Monday, April 25, 2016

Day 158 - Monday, April 25, 2016

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"The harder the battle. The sweeter the victory."

My doctor called me today and told me there was NO traces of the virus found in my blood work. I am going to take another test somewhere else just for confirmation.

Monday, April 11, 2016

Day 139 - Wednesday, April 6, 2016

After work today, on my way home, I felt drained and semi-psychotic. After taking my son to karate practice it got worse. I needed to get out of the house so I grabbed my keys and went for a drive.

 I began crying. I couldn't breathe. It wouldn't stop. My chest began hurting relentlessly. I didn't know where to go. I was driving in my car and called Kim from work. But she wasn't saying anything of help and I just started screaming and hung up the phone. I hate being vulnerable or opening up for no reason. If a person can't help me then what is the point of talking to them. I wasn't mad. I was just moving forward. 

I kept driving and crying and trying to figure out where I was even going. Then I began heading in the direction of my brother's house. Something in the pit of my stomach said don't do it. I have never reached out to this brother for any sort of emotional support because he doesn't respect emotions and seems as if he doesn't have any of his own. But I went anyway. Why? Because he told me I could talk to him when something is wrong. Because he told me he is my brother and he loves me. Because everyone tells me to learn to reach out for help. So, I tried it. 

When I pulled up in his driveway, his car wasn't there. I was devastated and began crying even harder. Once again, my gut began to speak to me and told me to just leave. But I went against it and called him. He answered and said he was out to dinner with someone. This is just what I was talking about the other day about how important romantic relationships are compared to family ones. I cried and told him not to worry about it and that I would just go home. He asked me why did I come without calling. I hung up. It was an emergency, duh! I didn't say that to him because it would be rude and disrespectful. 

I could barely see as I drove home. My vision was blurry in addition to the constant flow of tears. But I made it. I didn't even pull my car into my driveway. I left it outside of the gate I staggered into my home. I was drained, lost, and confused. Within moments of walking in I felt my body begin to tremble at the onset of what would be my first seizure for the night.

My son began to administer CPR as he called Fire-Rescue. He gave them all of my information, including age, address, name, responsiveness, and heart rate. I know this because the medics told me. As I began to come to, I saw my brother standing in my living room as they were loading me onto the gurney. But I went out again because I began to seize once more.

I was in the hospital for a while. I don't know how long. I woke up feeling drained and was advised that they had to sedate me because I had a total of four seizures. They ran CAT scans and everything while I was out. My brother came to pick me up from the hospital and the first thing he said is that it's not cool for him to come to my house and see my son standing over me and on the phone with Fire-Rescue. He went on to say that he thinks I have a mental condition and something along the lines of me not providing a good environment for my son.

That was it for me. Maybe I took it wrong but what I was hearing was that my issues are becoming a burden for him and I am not being a good parent for my son. I didn't get angry at him. I just nodded my head and became angry with myself for expecting any understanding. And I am Supermom! Nothing is wrong with my child or the way I am raising him. I just listened as my heart broke once again.

I am done. I am putting my feelings away for good. How could someone get mad at me for feeling the way I feel? I always get this crap about what I shouldn't do, knowing that no one has ever told me what I SHOULD DO. He didn't seem interested in my pain no matter how well I broke it down for him. He didn't seem interested in all that I had been through during these 29 years of life I have experienced. He just brought up my failures. The very few failures that I had, and he completely disregarded all of the MANY things that have been done TO ME. He just always becomes quickly agitated with my experiences and hurt derived from them.

I am burned out. I am not writing anymore. I don't want to burden anyone with the act of worrying about me. But just imagine how it feels to actually BE me. But I guess worrying is the real burden, huh? *shrugs* 

But the truth is, I acquired this disease. No one else. I am responsible for myself at this point. Not them. I have to keep that in mind. They didn't give it to me.

I feel so alone as far as understanding goes. I mean there are several people who make themselves available to me every now and then. But what is the point if they don't understand? Either way, I appreciate them for trying to be there for me.

So, as I crack, crumble and fall apart, and possible develop a mental condition in the process, I will no longer be writing my blog. I will try to come back on and post my results after the 19th of this month, which is my next doctor's appointment. I will not have the results that day because that is the day they will be drawing the blood. But I will try to post it a few days later once they tell me. I will also post my next HIV test results because I feel that I am close to being cured. One more package would have definitely did it for me but I am tired of scrounging for change in order to try to save for it. And I refuse to ask my brother for any more money towards it based on the way he expressed his feelings toward my condition and life as a whole. If I am not cured at this next visit then I will just have to slow down and know that it might take me three more months to raise the money on my own for another treatment package.

I don't care about anything (except my son) anymore. I don't want to be righteous or mannerable or any of that shit that doesn't really matter in the end. All it does is give you status. I don't want to care about people who don't care about me. I don't want to care what people think. I don't want to do the right thing. I just want to be happy and actually enjoy living my life for me and my happiness. At this point, I choose to do whatever it is that will make me happy despite what anyone thinks or despite what it looks like. Because all this time, I thought I was doing the right thing and I was STILL being judged maliciously. Screw it. Time to be happy.

Farewell until next time. Peace and love to all.

Sometimes you can't see the joyful part of your life until it's over...

Queen Selah

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Day 138 - Tuesday, April 5, 2016

"When your heart speaks, take good notes."
-Joseph Campbel

Today I had my normal regimen of treatment. I am almost out of everything but I am still holding on. I had the Bromide Plus shake and my Genvoya.

I am still following the guide and only had an apple and a pear to eat today. I skipped the gym today because my heart was weary and I didn't want to lose too much weight. I had been overdoing it lately. I just laid in bed and wished I could fall asleep.

I fell asleep when Anthony was at my house the other day. I mean, like, I just dropped completely asleep instantly. It scares me how comfortable I was around him. He was talking and I just fell fast asleep. I don't think I was out long. But it caught me off guard that I even did that. Life is crazy and I am afraid of where it's going to end up for me.

I rested in bed the majority of the day and played a few games of UNO (cards) with my son. He genuinely enjoyed that and I love to see him smile.

Someone from my high school shared a picture of me from my high school prom on Facebook. I had designed my own dress and had it tailor made. I was so beautiful. As I looked at the picture all I could think about was how pure I was before I was tainted. I told you I always view life in two sections. Before and after I contracted this disease.

Hopefully, soon enough, I will be able to say before and after I cured this disease. If I could just hold my heart together I know I can do it.

But can I? Can I hold my heart together???

You know what? People always talk about having family as support. But truth is, there is no relationship stronger than that of a spouse. Well, maybe that of a parent and child. But that doesn't count in my case. I have no parents. And a person may be quick to say I have siblings. But in all honesty, siblings can love you to death but they will spend most of their time trying to perfect their romantic relationships with their spouses. Friends will do the same as well. Why? Because, for the most part, they live together and are viewed as the family they CHOSE. Not one they were born with. Romantic relationships are the most intimate and fulfilling.

How could I love the one who hurt me? Because I have been doing it my entire life. It's called family...

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There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought that if I loved someone, and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This, it can go on forever.

Day 137 - Monday, April 4, 2016

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"Once you see results it becomes an addiction."

I am truly becoming a gym junkie. Whatever I am feeling or lacking or dealing with, I leave it all in the gym. Blood sweat and tears. I have worked out everyday for almost a week straight. I am proud of myself.

After the gym, I laid in bed and ate some green leaf lettuce for dinner. Nothing with it. Plain lettuce.

I took my treatment today with the same additions as yesterday. I am still drinking the Bromide and my appetite is not that bad.

I had an anxiety attack or nervous breakdown tonight. All of my emotions are weighing down on me heavy tonight. I feel as if the scab had been ripped off of an almost healed wound. Now all of the memories were coming back. The good ones. And those are the ones that hurt the most. I had just about shut them out. But after seeing him, they were all coming back. I just want it to stop. It's killing me. I almost had a decent, picture perfect, happy family life, but now the chances of that ever happening are next to impossible. Why? Because I am damaged in more ways than one.

I cried so hard that I couldn't breathe. I reached for my neck as I gasped for air unsuccessfully and fell off of the bed and onto the floor. I hit my head against the wall on my way down and I just laid there. And I cried. And I cried. And I cried until I realized it wasn't going to let up.

I needed help. All of my friends and family that started this thing out with me has made me feel bad on more than one occasion. When I take time to myself to heal they get angry with me. I can't take that. I called my co-worker (Kim). But Kim didn't answer. It was around ten at night. Then I called a friend of mine that I met on Facebook who has cancer. We are pretty close but I don't know why I called him. But he answered.

As soon as I heard his voice I burst into tears. He couldn't even understand what I was saying. He just kept telling me to breathe. As I tried to catch my breath he said, "It's okay queen. You cracked today, didn't you?" And I sobbed even harder because I knew he understood.

I am tired and I am losing my mind  slowly...

I need a photoshoot badly.

Day 136 - Sunday, April 3, 2015

I have been haunted by Anthony's apology. Yes, I felt free initially, but now I am confused. Where do I go from here? What do I do? Who the fuck am I anyway? I think I am losing my mind. This whole thing has taken a toll on me. Sometimes I can't even string together one coherent sentence. I feel as if I am semi-braindead. I am not joking about any of this. Then I think I need someone to take care of me and help me through this. Then I say, why not Anthony? He caused all of this anyway. 

Why not Anthony? Damn...because I still love him. I think that's what I realized today. After all of this bullshit and I still love him. I feel stupid. I feel weak. I feel as if I MUST BE crazy! But I feel honest with myself and that gives me a small sense of peace. Anthony keeps bringing up my family and saying that he misses them and wants to go see them and have their forgiveness. But I definitely am losing my mind one day at a time. It won't be long before I finally snap and become a shell of a woman who was once a strong, courageous queen.

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I don't study history or anything like that anymore. I am just trying to make it through this lifetime in one piece and in peace. I am utterly spiritually and emotionally deflated.

I had apples and Bromide Plus all day. I took my treatments and added the olive leaf and oregano oil to the mix.

Anthony showed up again but with food today. So, I had to be around all sorts of temptations. Barbecued ribs, oxtails from my favorite Jamaican restaurant and the presence of the two-faced man I once loved. Strangely enough, the food was no temptation.

Anthony put his arm around me and told me he would kill for me and that I needed to know that.

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Okay, I can't keep communicating with him. This type of crap is screwing with my emotions. I have to pull back. I got the apology I needed. I am so confused and losing my damn mind.

Day 135 - Saturday, April 2, 2016

"Everything is everything. What is meant to be will be. After winter must come spring; change it comes eventually."
-Lauryn Hill

I finally got the apology I have been hurting for. Yes, Anthony finally apologized to my son and I. I didn't push him to get into details once he began apologizing because I didn't want him to say anything to make me angry or emotional. I just wanted to take in what he was saying as he was saying it. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I feel free! In that very moment, I was glad that I write everything as it happens. So it can be seen the way life manifests itself. After he apologized to us my son began updating him on how well he has been doing in school and sports. I was a bit uncomfortable at the fact that the interaction became so comfortable so quickly. Hmm..

The first thing Anthony said to me is that he misses my family and he thinks about them all the time. He said he wanted to call my brother several times and that he wants to go see them. He said but all of that is messed up now. He said he feels like he lost them. I was still quiet because I was in shock. I didn't know what to say. I was just standing there like, "is he serious right now?"

I had so many mixed emotions within those few statements. I felt weak and free/relieved at the same time. While he was talking I looked at his hand and noticed that he still had his wedding band on. I took mine off the day all of this started. I had to force myself to do it because that ring had become a large part of who I was. I looked into his eyes as he spoke, looking at his face from every angle I could without moving my feet. It's crazy because even with all that I have seen, standing here with him in front of me in the flesh, I still just can't believe that he is gay. It is utterly unbelievable! The world is such a hoax. A fine deceitful hoax. This man is a dick sucker but my eyes could not process that. All I saw before me was the man I once loved. The man that was a large part of my family unit. The man who always went out of his way to protect and provide for me. But thank God my mind is stronger than my eyes. The brother is lost. And because of him, now, so am I...

He went on to tell me that he loved me throughout the entire time he was away and all the drama we went through following our separation. He said he loved me through it all and he never stopped thinking about me. He said he wanted his family back. He said no matter what he did, I was always tied to it. I don't know what that last part meant but I didn't question it. I didn't question anything he said. Because if I would have asked the questions I really wanted to know, I don't think I could have handled the answers.

But it felt refreshing to finally receive an apology from someone who has hurt me deeply. I am finally free. Now I can go on with my life. My mom or anyone else did not think enough of me to say sorry. But he did. Thank you Lord. I mean something to someONE...

He asked me to forgive him and I just slowly nodded my head. It felt like an out of body experience. He smiled and told me he still loves me and will always love me.

"Tears are words the heart can't say..."

Wow! What a freaking day?! My heart is healed. Now let's heal this disease!

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I have been 100% disciplined this month. Today I took all of my treatments. I put the Lily of the Valley powder in with my Bromide drink. I hate taking the Lily of the Valley powder. Its preparation is so inconvenient. I am glad I thought of this. It is much easier. I made the smoothie with a green pear today and I ate another pear for lunch.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Day 134 - Friday, April 1, 2016

"Write until it becomes as natural as breathing. Write until not writing makes you anxious."

I am officially out of Viento, Estro and Green Food. I fought against my urge to discontinue the prescription medication and went ahead and filled my prescription. I couldn't even afford the co-payment when it was time to pick it up. I had to take from the money I was saving for my next therapeutic package from Dr. Sebi. Whew! I tell you, this battle is brutal.

I had a bad dose of the "hungry breath" today. I guess I wasn't eating enough. Stressed to the max. I had to run back and forth almost my entire work day to the court house trying to get my car registration in order. I was only getting one of them updated. I will take care of the other car later. But my tag agent called me this morning to let me know there was a stop on my plate. I became frustrated because I just spent $300 yesterday to clear up my license at the DMV. Now this! It turns out that I had an unpaid red light camera ticket from 2014. I don't recall getting that ticket but I didn't have the energy to fight an further. I need my license and vehicle in order for my job so I just paid the $250.

After work I went straight to the gym to wind down and release some steam. I feel like nothing is ever easy for me. Everything HAS TO BE a fight. I guess that's why I am always so tough and wear a mean look on my face most of the time, except when I am taking pictures. Being photographed is therapeutic for me. Whenever I start to feel low I take pictures. Like last night, Cuddle Bug and I went to the beach and walked about two miles down and back. I took pictures there. He took the pictures of me. Another reason I have been stressed out is because my photographer moved to New York. I have no photographer now. That was like my drug. Today has definitely proved to be a stressful day with all of these unplanned expenses and running up and down.

While at the gym, tears ran down my face. Anthony used to be my gym partner. So much changed so suddenly. It is unbelievable at times. He's broken. I am broken. The world is broken and becoming worse each day. I picked up the speed on the treadmill to take off into a full sprint speed to distract me from crying. It worked momentarily. Once my workout was over, the thoughts came back.


I feel like I missed my calling of being a hoe. If I wasn't sick, I would probably be a hoe. Maybe I am just talking out of my ass at the moment, but these are the thoughts that crossed my mind while working out. Why do I say that? Because I feel as if I am just a beautiful waste of love and loyalty. I eat, sleep, and breathe love and loyalty. But for what? This world no longer has desire for such things. So, why not be a hoe like everyone else? At least I can be held every now and then. At least I won't have to have such high standards which causes me to keep people away until they have allegedly "proven" themselves "worthy" of my time. All of that for what? Just to turn around and catch AIDS anyway. At least if I had slept around with a lot of men in my lifetime I wouldn't feel so badly about having this disease. 

Anthony continues to text me. He told me I am doing a great job with Cuddle Bug. Cuddle Bug was OUR son. My son finally had a father. Just to find this shit out. I finally had a husband and someone to love and protect me like I always wanted. I will not apologize for my feelings because they are real and no one will tell me what I can and can not feel. We were in love. He did love me. He's screwed up. People love the best way they know how. I love the best way I know how. My family loves me the best way they know how. But sometimes that's not enough from the recipient or the on-lookers. Facts!

I haven't studied history since he's been gone. It's like I lost my flame. Someone put out my torch. Hopefully, I find the will to pick it back up soon. I also slowed down on my love of the Black Power and Black Excellence movements. Homosexuality and violence are eating us alive and I am starting to believe that maybe we're not so powerful or excellent. Maybe our best days are behind us. I always say the demise of the black woman is the black man. And the state of the black race rests on the back of the black woman. So you do the math.

Champ told me that when he wiped his butt the other day he saw worms. So I gave him on of the Chelation2 capsules to clean him out. Let's just say he was in and out of the Porcelain Office regularly after that. He even pooped on the floor because it started to come out before he could sit on the seat. Poor baby. He wasn't in pain though. He said he felt better and no more worms. So mission accomplished. I also had him on a 100% alkaline diet for two days. 

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I am following the Nutritional guide 100% as of today. I am setting a goal of a month. I want to make it through this entire month of April doing the right thing. How can we question the effects of his treatment if we do not follow it to the letter? That's not fair. I am doing better with the Bromide. I add the Lily of the Valley to it in order to knock out two treatments in one. I am out of almost everything I ordered but I am going to keep on pressing with what I have. I have a lot of Bromide Plus powder left though.

The key to eating right is staying busy. As long as I keep myself occupied I do not think about unhealthy foods. I have only eaten pears and apples along with the Bromide Plus today.

Friday, April 1, 2016

Day 133 - Thursday, March 31, 2016

"Writing is the painting of the voice."


Today was one of those days. You know, when you finally wake up and realize who's life it is. Who your life belongs to after giving it to others and getting hurt the way I did. My belongs to me. No more living for others. And if that hurts them then they never really loved me in the first place. A person who is against me living my life for me does NOT care about me. Period.

I had a salad for lunch today. The same as the other days, except I left out the watercress and strawberries. I added jalapeno peppers though. I love them. I used to eat them with fried chicken. Every time I bit the chicken I would bite the pepper and chew them together. I miss that, but I have to get better. Discipline.

Remember my friend that I used to let come to my house? Well, I was right about him! My third eye doesn't miss. He is an absolute lunatic. I had to tell him off today. I texted to check on him because the other day he said he was feeling suicidal and we got into a misunderstanding then. So, I gave it a few days to cool down. Then I checked on him today to see how he was feeling. And once again, he blew up one me. But he took it to the extreme today. I guess whatever he was going through plus the sexual frustration of dealing with me pushed him over the edge. He called me a bitch several times and said I was a lonely, judgmental bitter bitch who needs a companion. All because I was asking him questions about what was bothering him. We were communicating via text and he thought I was being sarcastic so he showed his true colors. Then he went on to say that's why the men I date are gay.

I couldn't do anything but laugh at his futile attempts to hurt me. I am the type of person that if I don't love you or have feelings for you there is absolutely NO WAY that your words can hurt me. Well, let me just say that I left my peaceful state momentarily and handed him his ass. I told him off from A to Z stating nothing but facts. It was so bad that he deactivated his FaceBook account immediately following our encounter. I know this because I screenshot every last one of our messages and posted them and tried to tag him. I don't take to disrespect to lightly. 

But it felt kind of good to unleash on someone. I have a lot of pent up anger and he just was the lucky creep to cash in on it. This was one of those moments where I was happy to be the way I am. Super guarded. Just imagine what would have been said had I disclosed my health status to him at any point. Sheesh! I would have had to kill him. Lol. But I usually live out loud. I don't hide too much of anything about myself. Everyone knows the man I was in love with was gay. Why? Because I told them. I am a very difficult person to shame.

But this whole occurrence just confirmed for me that I need to continue to stay in isolation. People are just the worst.

I took my last Genvoya pill today. The bottle is empty. I went back and forth in my mind as to whether or not I should continue taking them. Through teary eyes I submitted a refill to the pharmacy. I feel so bad every time I take those pills because I know they are damaging my body but I did say I was going to continue to take them until my next appointment.

Day 132 - Wednesday, March 30, 2016

"Emotionally: I'm in pain.
Mentally: I'm depressed.
Spiritually: I'm stressed.
Physically: I smile."

I have been thinking about Anthony a lot lately. Why now? I honestly couldn't tell you. Maybe it's because I have been in isolation-study-meditation mode so long that I am starting to desire familiarity. I am just about even keel at this point in my life. But I have my low moments where I am looking for a hand to hold but every hand felt cold to me. But his hand was NEVER cold. It was gay...

Lol. I have to laugh because that sounded funny. But there's nothing about the way I feel. I could never be with a gay man KNOWINGLY, but aside from our relationship, he was my best friend. And I could use one right now. I have taken care of others for a long time. I need to be taken care of for a little while so I can heal both mentally and physically.

But I'm confused about my feelings. I  haven't thought about him in this light in a long time. I mean, I always think about him. Everyday. Because he is the reason I have this disease. He will forever be tied into my life until I rid myself of this disease.

Maybe I am NOT confused. Maybe I subconsciously fear what others would think if I expressed the desire to have Anthony around. Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe I am just feeling this way because I saw him the other day. Maybe I actually do miss having him around to take care of me and protect me. Who knows at this point? All I know is that I am confused. This too shall pass.

I haven't really had any positive feelings towards him up until now. It has always been anger. I can't identify what I feel for him right now, but it's not that. Ugh! I hate feeling like this.

But I have reason to. Who cares if others won't understand it. They are not me. Do I still love him? I don't know and I don't want to think about it. Did he do something that really hurt me? Yes! But who hasn't hurt me?! The scars and wounds they left are just beneath the surface. They are emotional. Some started as physical and has become mental. So I have the right to feel however I like. My feelings belong to me.

But most of all, Anthony took care of me. He didn't have more than me but he gave more than I did. I have no doubt in my mind if we found out I was HIV positive while we were together, and he was negative and had never been with a man, he loved me so much that he would stay and take care of me. I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt. But he did it and he's too ashamed about being outed as a homosexual that he doesn't want to face me or my family again. Such is life.

I will fight this fight alone and I will win. I just wish I could stop thinking about him this way. Or any way for that matter. I wish I could erase the part of my brain which contains memories of him. He was my safe place and it hurts. He did something amazing to me. My life has been rough since I left the womb, being used, raped, and physically abused for as far back as I can remember. Stealing for my mother and committing fraud because she made me. Being my brothers' humping post. Paying my older brother's college tuition from stolen money because my mother forced me to. The same brother who began raping me when I was only five years old. My mom is a piece of shit and I make no excuses for her. I don't believe in that honor thy mother foolishness. Everyone is not worthy. Look at me now. Yes! I am angry. I have the right to be. Yet, everyone expects me to forgive her and be the bigger person. Forgive my brothers and be the bigger person. Fuck them and fuck that! I am the smaller person. I am younger than everyone of those people who were supposed to be responsible for leading and guiding me the right way. But I am expected to be the bigger person. However, I am not allowed to forgive Anthony in their eyes. Fuck them. Fuck life. Fuck society.

I will move at my own pace. I am crying right now because I am hurting so deeply and I trust no one to get near me. They've all let me down even when I expected nothing from them. They hurt me and made me feel as if I was not good enough. As if something was wrong with me. But never Anthony. They've made me accustomed to being hurt and looking right past it. They did that to me. Not him. He just came on the scene. There is no reason I should be so easy to forgive a gay man for infecting me with HIV. But I do. Why? Because he gave me something no one else ever  He gave me a chance to finally be a child because he was always right there to protect or encourage me. Homosexuality is stealing all of our black men...

My neighbor is stalking me and I am getting pretty fed up of his shit. I saw him outside when I was pulling up from work and I didn't want to be bothered with him coming across the street to talk to me so I pulled right back out and left. This man ran to his car and began following me up and down every street. No matter where I turned. If I sped up. He sped up. What the hell is his problem? I am not interested and I made that crystal clear! Now if I curse his ass out I will be labeled the "angry black woman" or a "bitter bitch." But that's okay. I have been called that already. Mainly by my family.

Okay, I talk about my best friend at work a lot. I am tired of typing all of that so it's time to give her a name. Let's call her Kim. So Kim called me this evening and was giving me another one of her "let's get deep" talks. She began to tell me how she admires that I don't take any shit. I told her it's a blessing and a curse because being this way doesn't allow anyone to get close to me because almost everyone has a level of "shit" they try to project on to others. 

Then Kim went on to begin talking about Anthony. Anthony and Kim had a really cool relationship when we were together. They got along well. Kim told me that she thinks he and I are meant to be together because we keep crossing paths. She said he moved from another city just to be with me and he was constantly changing his life for me. (True) She said he genuinely loves my son and I because you could see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice when he speaks of us. (True) While she was talking I kept telling her to shut up because I was in public and she was making me cry. I did not want to have this discussion. She apologized and continued with the discussion anyway. She said this needs to be said. It's time.

Kim went on to say that she doesn't know what happened that led him to be that way (gay) but people change. I cried out. I don't want to hear that. I don't want hope for us. I don't want to believe in reconciliation. I don't want to feel or think. I want to be numb. She doesn't know he made me sick.

She finally changed the subject. We began talking about school and I cried again. Her daughter was just accepted to the University that I attended when I finished high school. We were discussing that and I broke down because I remember how hard it was for me. I kept trying to explain to her why her daughter would be fine and why she shouldn't worry because she has her, her dad, aunts, uncles and grandparents within a few hours drive. But that made me think about how I had no one. No one helped me. I got in with a scholarship and didn't know the first thing to do. I should write a damn book. My two older brothers went to college before me. Years before me and offered me no help. I didn't need money. I needed guidance. No one told me that college advisers existed or what they were for. No one told me what classes I should take. No one told me anything. So all I did was show up to class every day.

That was until I came down with severe depression and wouldn't get off of my friend's couch for days at a time. I dropped an entire semester due to depression alone. But I had to pull myself together because the cavalry was not coming. And in the end, I persevered.

Strangely enough, Anthony text me right before I got off of the phone with Kim. I just wanted die right there. I felt sick to the stomach. What the hell is going on in the universe? What is this?

Less than an hour later, the mother of his child called me out of the blue. She was asking me for Anthony's social security number and place of employment because she wanted to finally put him on child support. Their daughter is almost five years old and he doesn't d anything for her or see her. He rarely talks to the mother of his child either. When we were together I worked hard to form a friendship with her even though he advised against it. In the end, it worked out in our favor because all I wanted was to be able to pick up the child so that she could spend time with Anthony. Anthony was a great father to my son so I thought it was only right that he gives his daughter some of that love and attention too. Anthony always bought things for my son when he got his report card and good grades. He picked him up from school when I had to work late and dropped him off when I had to work early. And his daughter is so pretty. So little by little he became better for her. He began seeing her more. I was still the one to go pick her up from her mother's house, but he still gave her a lot of attention and we took her out with us often. I gave her all the information she asked for and she told me that her daughter had been asking for me. That broke my heart. She was the only daughter I had ever had. I love her but I can't allow myself to get attached anymore.

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Cuddle Bug's sensei was late to class today so he decided to get the class started. I was so proud. He led the stretch and then went over the forms until the sensei arrived and told him he was a leader for taking initiative. He is not even the highest ranked belt in his class but he was leading them.

When we got home, I snacked on Kamut Puffs cereal with walnut milk. My son asked if he could taste it. He usually eats them dry but he liked it. So he went into the kitchen and made his own walnut milk in the NutriBullet and had his own bowl of cereal. I am so proud of my little eight year old prince.

The first part of doing what's best for you is figuring out exactly what that is...
-Queen Selah