Monday, February 29, 2016

Day 102 - Monday, February 29, 2016

Happy Leap Year!!!

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Despite all of the progress I have made, I am truly just tired of this whole ordeal and feel like throwing in the towel. Not on my life, but this fight all together. Throwing in the towel on being Mrs. Responsible. And I said "Mrs." because I am married to responsibility without the option of getting a divorce.

I just don't want to try anymore. I don't want to write this blog anymore. I don't want to be angry at Anthony anymore. I don't want to take treatments anymore. I don't want to go to work or the wash house anymore. I don't want to get out of bed and make my own alkaline meals anymore. 

I just want to roam free and live. Let my body and this disease take whatever course it may. I'm tired of fighting it. I'm tired of taking all of those herbs and tonics. I'm tired of doing everything on my own. I'm tired of paying all of these bills and being so worn out and empty that I can't find the time or money to enjoy myself with my son. If I am dying, this will be no way to go. I'm tired of getting nervous every time I have to go to the doctor because I am afraid I am going to receive bad news. I'm tired of being hurt, deceived, and misunderstood. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of these mood swings. I'm tired of undercover faggots ruining people's lives. I'm tired of pretending to be happy.I'm tired of being a great person in a cold world. HIV/AIDS isn't that harsh of a disease, This is what I have learned. I am just utterly tired.

Words can't begin to explain how I feel. I think I mask my struggles so well that people are really starting to believe that I am so strong that HIV/AIDS doesn't bother me. I am strong by force, not by choice.

Image result for quotes about being tired I feel like letting nature take its course with the rest of this disease. I don't even know if I will be able to afford this package next month. Having this disease is not cool. It is very challenging and lonely. It is hard to trust people. People say they will be there for you but as soon as you turn your head, they sneak away, never to be seen again. That is, until THEY NEED SOMETHING AS IF I'M NOT THE ONE WHO IS DYING!

I want to just stop. I'm coming down with a cold from the show on Saturday but I'm too tired to care or be afraid.

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I made it through my work day and had to play the shrink/therapist for my co-workers as always. If only they knew how deep my own problems are. They wouldn't be bombarding me with this mess.

Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment and court date against Kevin. Jah, give me strength.

Day 101 - Sunday, February 28, 2016

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"A strong woman" is one who is able to smile this morning like she wasn't crying last night.

I woke up early this morning, lit some incense and made my son breakfast. I don't cook that much anymore since I have become a Sebian. Most of my meals are smoothies or raw. 

I made one of my son's favorite breakfast meals, scrambled eggs and bacon. No, he has not crossed over 100% yet. It was not tempting to make the bacon because I have never liked that. However, the eggs were a bit tempting. I ate one forkful. I admit it. I woke him up for his breakfast then opened up my package from Dr. Sebi and arranged them in the kitchen according to the packing slip.

I took my morning dosage and finally decided to try the Bromide Plus Powder since I no longer had a choice. I was fresh out of the capsules. I decided to follow the recipe on the lid to see how it turns out. The recipe reads as follows:

Bromide Plus Recipe Mix: 1/2 Tbsp Bromide Plus Powder, 1/4 Cup Agave Syrup, 1/2 tsp Cinnamon (Optional), 1/2 tsp Vanilla Extract, 1 cup Fresh Fruit (Optional), 1 Quart Spring Water, 3 Tbsp of Walnuts (Optional) 

Combine agave syrup, cinnamon, fruit, walnuts, vanilla and Bromide Plus Powder in blender. Add boiling water and blend for 3-4 minutes. Drink as much as you like.

I followed the directions and prepared myself for the awful taste. I was wrong. It was a thick, smooth lava eruption of yumminess! It smelled good also. I did not add cinnamon because I didn't have any. And I used mango as my fruit. This warm shake lasted me all day to finish it. My brother also made me a Sebi approved soup later on in the night. I stood in the kitchen with him while he prepared it with his awesome girlfriend.

I had already had a mild emotional breakdown in the kitchen. Any time my brother comes in to town I immediately get sad because all I can think about is him leaving. So, I cried for a very short period of time while standing in the kitchen. But I am getting much better at controlling it. I took a few very deep breaths while the tears flowed and was able to stop myself from crying full force. 

My emotions control everything in my life. Even my health. I drank the soup my brother made but was not physically able to eat my favorite part. My brother makes the best dumplings ever. But I was too emotionally sick to eat. I didn't want to seem ungrateful, so I forced myself to drink the broth but immediately got sharp pains to my sides and abdomen. He went through all of that trouble for me and I couldn't even eat.

I have a lot on my plate. I don't even do the laundry as much as I should. If I could just get a few extra dollars to buy a used washer and dryer that would solve a lot of my problems. My son really wanted to spend time with my brother before he leaves in the morning, so I was happy about them being able to spend some time together.

I also felt very uncomfortable around his friends and my sister's boyfriend who was also present. My brother has a habit of telling people who are close to him about my disease and not taking into account whether or not they are close to me. So, ever since I found out that he will disclose my status to people without asking or informing me, I always feel uncomfortable around his people. My sister's boyfriend is very nice but every time he speaks to me or gets close to me, I feel like I have the cooties. I feel as if he knows my condition and I feel ashamed. I felt the same way about his female friend who was there but she was already gone to the airport at this time.

Sundays always suck because you have to prepare for the week to begin. Relaxation time is over. I'm tired. Both mentally, physically and emotionally. It's so hard to follow through with certain things at this time. I gave my brother a bag of Guaco to take home with him and drove the hour long journey back to my house.

Day 100 - Saturday, February 27, 2016

"I believe in the impossible. I've overcome every obstacle."
-Fantasia Barrino

Today is going to be a difficult day. Well, so I thought. My brother who lives in the same city agreed to help me out with my son today while I go to a show with my other brother. We took my son to his photo shoot together which turned out really great and allowed for us to have a chance to bond together. That is very rare between this brother and I. He also played basketball with my son for a while before I went back home. 

Once, my brother dropped me home, he rushed my son to his Olympic karate training and I went shopping to find something to wear to the show. If you guys have been following my blog you should already know that I hate shopping. So, I just walked through every store, only looking at what was on the mannequins, until I saw something I liked. I purchased the outfit, along with a few accessories and rushed home to get ready.

I met up with my brother and his friends and we headed out to the show. This was a new experience for me. I really do not like to go out unless it is in nature or outdoors for the most part. But I had a good time because I was with my brother and we were surrounded by tons of our (Jamaican) culture. If I would have known children were allowed, I would have definitely brought my son. That bothered me a lot. I love my son and always feel lost without him. I can't remember the last time I asked someone to watch him and in eight years I can count on one hand how many times that has been done.

My evening picked up when they played a Lauryn Hill song at the show. You guys already know Lauryn Hill is my idol.

Once my brother told me what time he'd be dropping my son back home, I just dropped everything and left the show. I love my son dearly and he is my number one priority, not having a good time. Not to mention I missed him deeply and felt guilty for not bringing him. I purchased something from the show to bring home to him and left. I knew there would be an issue. That's why I chose to drive my own car. I believe in independence. It's better safe than sorry. I didn't want to be the reason the others had to leave the show early, or the reason I was late getting back to my young king.

As soon as I walked out to my brother's car to greet my little man, I opened the door and he exhaled with his hand on his chest. Then he said, "Mommy, are you alright? I could feel you worrying about me. I kept feeling pain in my chest every time you worried about me, right over my hear." 

I smiled and yanked him out of the car and held him in my arms as my heart melted. My son and I have a very strong super-human connection. We do feel each other when we are apart. I am glad I breastfed. As I held him my brother told me that he kept asking about me and that he was worried. I am blessed and honored to have such a close relationship with such a loving son.

As soon as my brother left, we went to the store to get snacks and I decided to have a movie night with my little one. We watched Fuller House on Netflix. I was so tired that I fell asleep on the couch after watching just one episode. I hope I don't get sick because it was very cold at the show and it rained on and off. I am just happy to be back with my Cuddle Bug.

Day 99 - Friday, February 26, 2016

"It always seems impossible until it's done."
-Nelson Mandela

I didn't feel like taking my treatment today. I only took the Lupulo. I'll start fresh another day. My brother flew in town and I left work momentarily to pick him up from the airport. Then, I ran to the salon to see if I could get my hair done before my training session but there was someone already in her chair. I rushed back home to get my brother so he could pick up my son from school. My son loves my brother and when I told him he was coming in to town, he asked me if he could pick him up from school. I think he just likes to show him off. Lol.

I rushed them back to the house and made sure they ate. Then I rushed back to work to attend my training session. Immediately after the session, I raced over to the salon again. I got my hair finished then rushed home to pick up my son for karate practice. After practice, we drove an hour north, to take my brother somewhere.

I was exhausted by the time I got home. This is the story of my life. Bear called me and I cursed him out for playing dumb. I can no longer entertain foolishness no matter how much I like the fool.

After practice, I did take my son to the barbershop to get a haircut. Tomorrow is a really big day. There is so much to do. My son has a photo shoot for basketball as well and Olympic Karate training. What I forgot to mention was during karate practice my car was being towed. I have been parking in that spot for two years without incident. One of the parents ran inside to tell me what was going on. I ran outside and asked him why was he towing my vehicle. It is completely paid off. He told me that I couldn't park in that lot. I asked him since when?

Overall, he just had a really disgusting attitude. I asked him to call the police because I left my phone in my son's karate practice. I didn't think his towing was legal. He refused. I didn't have the energy to fight. Once I told him my son was in karate practice he asked me one of the most disrespectful questions anyone could ask me. He said, "Where's your baby daddy?"

I fought to restrain myself and told him that "I do not have a 'baby daddy'." I hate those words. I was angered to tears and told him to just give me a moment while I walk across the street to the ATM. I just gave up. I am so tired of the human race. And as if taking my money was not enough, he gave me his number and told me to call him and that maybe next time we could meet up on a happier note. I told him to keep his damn number as he lowered my car and I walked back in the building to get my son.

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I also forgot to mention that I had a moment earlier when I had to take my son to get a haircut. Because I am such an isolated person and I do everything alone, I have no experience in a lot of areas. That becomes most evident a lot of times when I am raising my son. He is growing his hair and I do not know a lot about haircuts. So, I wasn't really sure about what to get him. All I know is that I wanted him to look sharp for his pictures tomorrow. So, I decided on something and told the barber I was going to run to the ATM to get cash.

By the time I came back his hair was finished and I could barely recognize my son. He looked like a teenager. My eyes watered a bit but I pulled myself together. My baby is growing up. I couldn't stop staring at him and telling him how handsome he was. I gave the barber a generous tip for his cut. He always works with me and helps me to figure out what to do with my son's hair.

I guess feeling my way through things on my own is sometimes more rewarding because I didn't have any help.

No treatment today.

Day 98 - Thursday, February 25, 2016

"I had no idea that history was being made. I was just tired of giving up."
-Rosa Parks

My abs are throbbing from the workout last night. But it is a good pain of productivity and progress. No pain. No gain. I decided to flat iron my hair and wear it down today. I'm tired of struggling to style it. I will get it done tomorrow.

The picture above is a photo of all of the products which come in Dr. Sebi's All Inclusive Therapeutic Package. I laid them out in alphabetical order, but you should already be familiar with its contents from my previous posts. The contents include the following from left to right:

Banju Tonic
Bio Ferro Tonic
Bromide Plus Powder
Chelation 1
Chelation 2
Green Food Plus
Iron Plus Tonic
Lily of the Valley

Day 97 - Wednesday, February 24, 2016

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I will make it my duty to post a picture of the products that came in the mail for Dr. Sebi's All Inclusive Therapeutic Package that just arrived int the mail.

I am going to keep it pretty brief today. I still have a bowel movement every morning before I leave the house. The Chelation 2 has become more manageable so I am able to hold it in much longer and I don't have to rush to the bathroom like I used to. I am out of Green Food Plus, Bromide Capsules and Viento. I still have not even opened the Bromide Plus Powder because I have heard so many things about how horrible it tastes. Plus, it has to be prepared warm. Sounds like work.

I haven't opened the new package yet because I am so not ready for this again. Starting a new package can be overwhelming and requires a lot of preparation. I, mentally, have no space for that right now.

I went to the gym to relieve some stress. I went hard today. Extremely! I noticed that I can run a lot better now. It feels as if I have absolutely no weight on me. I am light as a feather. My stamina has increased a very noticeable amount. I usually run in intervals. I run full speed for two tenths of a mile. Then walk for a tenth of a mile. Then switch back and forth. I was able to run an entire mile without walking. I was not tired or out of breath at all. I even continued to run for my second mile. It felt great. I had no pains in my bones, chest or lungs. I could have ran forever but I had to get to my son's karate practice. I worked out my abs as well. 

I felt great afterwards. This was exactly what I needed to de-stress. I used to go to the gym five days a week. Now, I'm always so down in the dumps that I have to push myself to even make it once.

I took my treatment today.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Day 96 - Tuesday, February 23, 2016

-Lauryn Hill

I am Superwoman!!!

Victory! Victory! Oh, sweet victory! I am back on the food horse. I successfully made it through the day without cheating. I drank two smoothies and snacked on sliced bananas for the first part of my day. In the evening, I made mushroom and chick pea spaghetti with quinoa noodles. I was exhausted, but I challenged myself to eat right for at least one day in order to get the ball back rolling in the right direction again.

I have been extremely tired for the last two days. I have went straight to sleep directly after work. Since I found out I had this disease, I become nervous when I am tired. I don't know if I am just tired because I need rest, or if it's the disease weakening my system. I get scared sometimes. But I slept for hours today and yesterday after work.

My next doctor's appointment is in seven days! Ugh! I am excited and afraid at the same time. I'm excited because I get to monitor my progress or the lack thereof. However, I'm afraid because I don't want to get my hopes up. Despite all of the progress I have received by using Dr. Sebi's products I still get nervous before appointments because I fear the progress may be a hoax or a mistake. This final visit will convince me because I know I didn't eat 100% right after my last blood draw. Don't get me wrong, I believe in Dr. Sebi. It's just that in my life I never seem to be that lucky. I'm always that 1% exception to the rule when there is something negative potentially at bay. I can't wait to get this over with. The suspense is killing me!

This hair thing is kicking my butt! I may be taking on too many changes at once. I'm on this great enlightening journey which involves changing my eating habits, focusing on my heal, healing myself of this allegedly "fatal" disease, becoming more spiritual, loving myself more, getting over heartbreak and heartache, and transitioning from permed to natural hair. It is a lot, but I could handle it much better if I could just get my house and work space more organized. My house looks like my brain right now...scrambled.

I love her!!!!! My idol.

Honestly, sometimes I forget I am sick. I oftentimes have to remind myself that I have an allegedly "life threatening illness." I feel so good all of the time and I look great. So, it's a bit misleading. Not to mention that I usually stay to myself, so I have no reason to constantly think about my condition. I guess that can be viewed as a great thing.

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I was cleaning out apps and other items from my phone in order to free up some memory when I ran across a picture of Anthony and I kissing while out to dinner. The picture was taken in March of 2015. This was around the time that I received my last HIV test result of negative. Anthony had just started working a new construction job that he was very happy about because he was proud to be able to finally make enough to be able to take my son and I out EVERY weekend and assist with the bills. He used to try to match my salary, but that would never happen. I made way more than him even when he got two jobs.

But he didn't understand that I loved him just because of the way he loved me. I loved his effort and drive to provide for me and my son and his constant dedication to protecting us. He was my rock that just needed a little grooming. There were many days that I had to be tough on him, yell at him, and sometimes even kick him out. He lacked guidance and discipline but I felt like I should give it to him instead of giving up on him. I strongly believe that discipline and correction is a part of love.

There were times when we were alone on the beach at night, because that was our favorite spot, or just laying in each other's arms in bed, when he would caress my cheeks with the back of his hands or his lips, and tell me how much he appreciates all that I do for him, and the way I was tough on him. He said girls always give him what he wants and he never has to do anything. He said he never gave a girl money before or helped them with any kind of bill. He said he doesn't date females with children but he fell in love with me and is doing all of the above. Anthony always says that I changed him. He tells his family that I changed him all the time. But I guess I couldn't keep him from messing with a man on a consistent basis. He left him alone for almost a year, based on my research. But I guess something made him go back. I guess the pressure of having a family and accountability became too much for him. I don't want him back. I could never get over what he did and the way he hurt me. But who would have ever thought that he was gay??? Definitely not me.

These are the thoughts that constantly plague me without warning. But, I don't think I am ready to get rid of our pictures. It never ceases to amaze me just how strong and forgiving love can be...

Later that night, I dreamed of us. I dreamed of us just how we used to each other's arms.

That's it! I'm never going to sleep again!!! Lol.

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My new package arrived in the mail today from Dr. Sebi's office. I think I will begin taking it on the weekend or Thursday the earliest. I need to organize my life and home first. Taking these products are a very demanding task. I will take a picture of all of the items that come in the package and post it in one of my upcoming blogs.

Peace and love everyone.

-Queen Selah

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Day 95 - Monday, February 22, 2016

"Truth comes but we can't hear it. How can we hear it when we've been programmed to fear it?"
-Lauryn Hill
If you've been following my blog then you would know that I gauge my days between feeling like Superwoman or Wonder Woman. Today was a mild Wonder Woman day, but not in a bad way. I was wondering what the heck was going on for the majority of the day.

I took the twist out this morning and it was tragic. Lol. I didn't use enough gel because I don't like gel. I also didn't use holding spray. So, the spirals fell as soon as I took the rods off of them. There is still a few inches of permed hair left and it doesn't do well with certain styles. I haven't relaxed my hair in almost a year, so there is a lot of natural growth. Just not enough for certain styles. 

I absolutely panicked. I dropped my son off at school then went back home to try to figure out what to do with my hair. Nothing! I had absolutely nothing! I am a tom boy. Well, I've been called a Hot Tom Boy! Lol. I tried and tried to do something with it but couldn't. I even considered rushing over to the salon but I knew that would take at least two hours and I was already almost an hour late as it was.

So, I decided to go to my friend's house. The same one I spoke of earlier who does hair. She was laying sick in bed. Her nine year old daughter was also home sick. So, I had her to part my hair for me and I did the rest. It came out pretty decent. I made it to work about an hour and a half late. No one said anything about the time, but they did say I looked four years old with my hairdo. That's fine with me because being called young is a compliment. I love my young spirit and old soul.

You know I am very honest and transparent with my life so this is just a disclaimer for what I am about to say. Some time in the morning, my body released a large amount of mucus from my lower region. I've never seen anything like that. By "large," I mean, about a tablespoon full. It just came right out! I already know that happened because I had been eating poorly over the past few days. I am now 100% convinced that the foods not listed on the Nutritional Guide caused mucus. The proof was in my panties. Lol. It was not gross looking, smelly or stinky. Just easily identifiable.

I hadn't been eating that badly, so it only happened that one time. I am just glad that Dr. Sebi's products cleanses the body so efficiently. That was my queue to get back on board and become more disciplined. To stop letting my emotions rule my decisions about my eating and health in general. I just thought it was important to share that information with you.

In the beginning when I would drink my gallon of water each day, mucus would leave my body from everywhere, including my urine. Mind you, I am not referring to LARGE amounts of mucus. You would miss it if you didn't pay attention. Sometimes while I am speaking, mucus will come up out of nowhere. Not in an embarrassing or unmanageable way, though.

When I got home, I relaxed, watched some Grey's Anatomy, played a strategy game on my phone and struggled with washing and styling my hair. This is rough. I have to figure something out or cut it soon. I wen t to bed around 1:30 in the morning because I was so into Grey's Anatomy. Poor George O'mally, he died and Izzy has cancer.

I took my treatment today. The Bio Ferro Tonic is still horrendous! Yuck! and the Lupulo gets the mucus up immediately.

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Monday, February 22, 2016

Day 94 - Sunday, February 21, 2016

Reminder: My next doctor's appointment is on March 1st! So stay tuned my loves.

The craziest thing happened today. I was cleaning out my house and trying to throw away old clothes that I can't fit anymore and get my house organized when I found two of Anthony's sweaters hanging up in my closet. I don't what came over me, but when I took one off of the hanger and held it in my hands, I felt him. I felt his presence. I felt that strong overpowering feeling of love that I always felt when we were together. It was radiating through his sweater if that is even possible.

I looked down at the fabric in my hands as warm tears filled up the wells of my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I sobbed and held the sweater to my face, inhaling his scent, as I leaned on the closet door for support. Do I miss him? Do I miss the IDEA if him? Do I miss what we had? Do I miss who I was and how I felt when I was with him? I don't even know. I'm not sure about much lately. All I know is that I was hurt deep down somewhere that I keep trying to cover up and forget about

Then I felt dumb and weak for crying over this asshole. The asshole I loved. The asshole who loved me the best way he knew how. And I violently threw his sweaters in the trash. I remember when I was throwing out all of his other clothes, I held on to those to sleep with. I loved him. But that was at a weaker point in my journey. I can handle letting go now.

Then, I began to clean out my car. I keep a lot of things in my car for some reason. No matter how much I try, I have always had this problem with every car I have had. I guess I live in fear f being homeless or something of that sort, even though I am no where near homeless now. I have two cars (fully paid off), a great career, and a house. So, as I begin to remove items from the trunk, right behind my basketball, I found a white box. The box had Anthony's mother's name on it. Oh my god! I lost my breath for a moment.

This was the ashes of Anthony's dead mother. I asked him if he was going to come get them when I first kicked him out, but he was too ashamed to respond. I told him I was going to throw them out. The only thing that stopped me was my brother. He told me that wasn't right. But my brother is a turn the other cheek type of person and I'm an, "I only have TWO cheeks" type of person. And I've already used both of them in this situation by not killing him. 

I leaned against the gate and looked at the box of ashes in my trunk. She passed away in July of 2006 and was still being stored in the bag and box from the crematorium. No one cared enough about her to buy an urn to place her in. The box was beat up and brown as if someone had spilled coffee on it. When Anthony's step-father died in October of 2015, I believe it was, I encouraged him to get her ashes. No one else was going to get them and they were just going to be thrown out with the rest of his things. He finally listened and I took him to retrieve them.

This was creepy for me but I remained strong because I loved Anthony. He would bring up his mom from time to time when he would get down. So, I thought it would be a good idea for him to keep her. There were times after we brought her home with us that he would lay on the couch in the living room next to her ashes just to have some alone time with her.

Welp, as I said earlier, I only have two cheeks and he has exhausted bot of them. He never came to get her and I owe him no loyalties at this point. She has been riding around in the trunk of my car for months now. I took her out of the house in November. It's time for her to go. So, I dumped her in the trash receptacle and brought the bin to the street for trash collection in the morning. No more loyalty is what I had to keep telling myself to keep from feeling guilty and crying.

No more loyalty...

I took my treatment today, watched Grey's Anatomy, and prepped my hair for the twist out. That's the look I am going for.

Day 93 - Saturday, February 20, 2016

"We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated."
-Maya Angelou

I am Superwoman today! Can you believe it? Two days in a row! It's been a long time since I have had two good days back to back. 

My motivation at times.

(Lauryn is my idol! I love her to life and everything she stands for. I love how transparent she is. I am the same way. I wish to meet her one day. Not like in a concert setting. But to actually meet her and shake her hand or give her a hug. Her music raised me when my mother dropped the ball.)

I woke up this morning and got my little man ready for his basketball game. I put on my new outfit and tried to settle my nerves and prep myself for what was about to take place. They told me I could come back to his practices, but I had to apologize to all of the parents for my behavior last week. I felt mildly angry because they were treating me as if I was some sort of out of control monster who was a threat to the children. But I had to suck it up because I understand what they are trying to do. I have to accept responsibility for the role my actions played in this situation. I gave them the ammunition to use against me because I didn't exercise self-control when it came to my child and his safety. Honestly, I usually NEVER exercise self-control when it comes to the safety of my child. But I'm never too big to learn. Change is growth.

I pumped myself up and headed to the basketball court. I sent my son ahead of me so he wouldn't have to wear the cloud of shame with me. I gave a heartfelt apology to the parents before the game began and gave a brief recap of what took place last Saturday for the ones who weren't there. I was more sincere than I expected to be. I thought the warrior within would get the best of me and I would have been reluctant to apologize. But I meant every word that I said.

When I was done, one of the parents suggested that I apologize to the kids as well. That was definitely a great idea. However, the way that she said it made me feel like she was trying to be a b***h! I'm very good at discovering people's intent. But I overlooked her motive and happily agreed because I love children fro the depths of my soul and want my son to have a peaceful remainder of the season.

After the apology, the parents began to huddle around me like old times as they pressed me for laughs and entertainment. I love to make people smile. I could tell by their behavior that they missed me. 

This game was the most exciting one yet. There was a lot of action and the coach made my son the team captain and the point guard. You have no idea how proud of him I was. I couldn't even be a point guard. That person has to play well under constant pressure while bringing the ball up the court. He was awesome!

After the game, my little king came to me and gave me the tightest hug his little arms could muster up, and kissed me on my nose. He said, "thank you for being here mommy, and watching me play. I did this all for you. I would be sad if you weren't here to see me. You always support me in everything I do."

I love my Cuddle Bug. He's the sweetest!

After the game, we rushed right over to my gun license training session. My son sat in with us as we learned the ins and outs of gun-handling. I paid $100 and will have to go back next week to go to the shooting range. I am going to have my son to shoot as well. He's not excited by guns and that makes me comfortable with him learning how to handle one. You never know, he may have to be the one to save me. I don't want him to hurt himself in the process.

I also joined a conference call this afternoon with my brother and others. The topic was about nutrition. The people were complaining about the lack of variety of Dr. Sebi's list and saying that's why they don't follow him 100%. They were saying that there is no way other foods are not on the list. I told them that the problem with us, humans, is that we are too spoiled. Every animal I can think of only eats a handful of foods. Five to ten items. Humans want to eat 30 items from every food group. There are more than enough items on Dr. Sebi's Nutritional Guide to sustain us. We've been reprogrammed to care about taste instead of substance. We desire the illusion of comfort and satisfaction.

I took my treatment today.

Day 92 - Friday, February 19, 2016

"Nothing will work unless you do."
-Maya Angelou

I haven't had a Superwoman day in a while, but today is it. I am proud to say my cape is in tact and I am Superwoman!

I was selected to participate in a Black History game of Family Feud at work and represent my department. It is an honor that they feel as if I am adequate to represent for them. I take pride in the fact that although I am usually very quiet at work, they know that I am well-versed in the goings on of the Afrikaans.
I woke up early and dressed in my African attire and sent my son to school in his as well. I wanted to do the twist out on my hair last night. But I was afraid that if it didn't come out correctly I would look horrible on camera for the game show today. And I definitely can't have that. But I was beautiful nonetheless and exuded my African radiance as I walked into the office this morning. I was a showstopper! Lol.

I don't mean to come off as conceited, because if you knew me you would know that couldn't be any further from the truth. I am very modest and quiet. I used to suffer from low self-esteem. But not anymore! I just know when I am shining, and today was one of those days. Everyone stopped in their tracks to tell me how beautiful I looked. They usually tell me that, but today, it was different. There was a little more meaning to their words.

Today, I poked my chest out because I am black and I'm proud!

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I met up with the group and filming crew at the downtown location and enjoyed the game. They asked what year did Jamaica receive its independence? I knew that answer. I am Jamaican. But they didn't hear me ring the bell. I still mumbled the answer under my breath before the other team did so that they could hear me first. I wanted to see if I had the right answer, and I did...1962. I felt great! Although, I didn't get the point for it, my team knew I was reliable.

The guys took me out for lunch afterwards. I didn't want to ride with them. I always take my own car everywhere because I don't like to go out. This way I can leave whenever I get ready. They chose to go to Hooters to eat. Hooters is more of a chicken wing place so I figured I wouldn't be able to eat anything from there. But I was looking forward to being in some good company.

These were five upstanding black men with great careers, myself, and one other black woman. All decent people. Luckily for me, the restaurant had a great garden salad. Yum!

The conversation flowed as I was my goofy self because I was feeling good. I asked a lot of questions. Two of the guys were married, one had a girlfriend. The other just began dating a girl for less than a month. And the other was allegedly "happily" single. I took advantage of the variety of situations around me and got as much insight from all of the men as I could while I made them laugh. If one of them looked into my eyes too long I would turn and begin speaking to the other. I love, respect, and admire a married, or monogamous black man and I would never want to do anything to jeopardize such a union or cause them to consider straying. That would never be me. I don't care who the man is or how much money they have.

But they were great company and very respectful. It became overwhelming to finally be around decent people. I cried briefly at the table. You have to understand that I don't come across such people often. My co-worker, the other black woman at the table, understood why I was crying. She's the nosy one that works next tome back in the office. The guys were very caring. I wrapped it up quickly and pulled myself together because I didn't want any married man's arms around me to console me.

It's funny how small things go a long way now. Just to be able to have a conversation with men who aren't trying to sleep with me or get close to me is a breath of fresh air. The held my hand as they helped me into my car, held doors open, and pulled out chairs. Incredible! Who is raising the rest of society? Lol. I enjoyed being treated as the goddess I am today. They paid for my food and told me to drive safely.

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"The day I start to care what others think is the day I lose myself."
-Queen Selah

After lunch with the guys, I didn't return to work. I picked up my son from school, stopped by the post office, then got him ready for karate practice. I had a pep talk with him about always pushing himself and never becoming comfortable. He is very good at karate and have won national championships. However, I don't want him to get comfortable in his past successes in any area of life. I told him if he wants to remain the champ in his class he needs to keep working and putting forth effort, not as if he has something to lose, but as if he has more to gain.

The talk must have worked because I sat in on his practice today and blew the sensei's mind with his performance. He shifted gears today and the sensei used him to teach the class several times. My son was smiling during practice because he knew I was proud of him.

"Everybody wants a REAL relationship until they meet someone who exemplifies REAL standards. Then all of a sudden they aren't 'ready'."-Elrick Jones Jr.

Earlier today, my friend stopped by to see me. He has been trying to find time in his schedule to see me for a few weeks now. I told him I had to take my son to practice soon but he said he could still come by for a little while. He was waiting for me when I pulled up from work. We talked for a little while until it was time for me to leave. My son saw him out while I went into my bedroom to get dressed. When I came outside I heard my friend saying, "you'll have to ask your mom."

I didn't think much of it at the moment. But it turns out that my son asked him if he would volunteer to be his new dad. The fact that he used the word "new" broke my heart. Anthony was a real father to him. Nothing that took place between us could deny that. Now that he has had a father figure around, he misses him.

My friend called me the next day to tell me this. He said he was honored because he didn't know that my son liked him so much. Later, I asked my son why did he want him to be his new dad? He said because he is nice to him and has big muscles for the ladies. Lol. I had to laugh. My son is so funny sometimes.

Then I asked him what he thinks the duties of a dad is. He said to play with him and protect his wife and kid. He said I would be the wife. Lol. Once again, I had to laugh. My baby is so innocent. I explained to him that the ideal situation is for a man and woman to be married in order to have a child, but it is not always the way things happen. He laughed and continued. He said a dad would come to his games also.

My poor baby. These are all of the things that Anthony did with him. But he'll be fine. I may not be a man, but I can do everything they do. My only hope is that it is enough for my little prince. He says it is. My only fear is that he doesn't grow up with a void in his heart no matter how much I do for him. I told him that he is going to be a great husband to his wife when he grows up, based on the way he views family structure and roles. He said he knows. Lol. This short guy makes me laugh.

I took my treatment today...

Friday, February 19, 2016

Day 91 - Thursday, February 18, 2016

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Today was another emotional day. I am depressed. I am Wonder Woman. I wonder when this foolishness will be over for good. I had to have another meeting to attend my son's basketball games and practice. The life of a single mother. My dad called and we spoke for a while. He's trying to have a bond with me but I just don't feel it. He's really understanding and supportive about my disease. I feel like he holds no judgment against me for it. However, regardless of how nice he seems, I just can't seem to forgive him for not being there when I was a child...when I needed him. 

That absence shaped a very large portion of my life. That's why I'm working overtime to be there for my son in every area that he needs me. Not just physically present.

Whenever my posts are short that means I am going through something emotional.

Bear is pressing me really hard for something more than a friendship and I'm just not feeling it. That made me cry more to realize that that part of me is dead. The desire for companionship is COMPLETELY DEAD! That used to be the greatest part of me. So, I cry. I cry because I am losing parts of myself due to what Anthony did to me. I now have no doubt that I will be cured. Probably sooner than I initially thought. But even then, I doubt that I will want to have a relationship with anyone. I am scarred.

And he just keeps pressing. Not disrespectfully, but pressing nonetheless. I have trained myself to never overlook anything ever again. So, as he speaks, all I am thinking about is the fact that he is not offering any help with my son's basketball situation that I am having with the coaches and the director of the league. I am paying attention to the fact that he doesn't offer to bring food when he comes by. I pay attention to the fact that he doesn't bring in my garbage cans when he comes over. How can I take him seriously? I'll just be settling or setting myself up to have to train another man again and I AM COMPLETELY DONE WITH THAT! 

So, I cry..........

I cry to myself and cut everyone off who doesn't mean me well. That usually just leaves me with myself.

So, I cry..........

Bear kept trying to come to my house. He called numerous times and I declined the call. I told him I just need some time alone with my thoughts. But he's pressing. I turned my phone off and he popped up to my house at 5:30 in the morning. I ignored all the knocks he did on my front and backdoor. He was completely out of line.

I took my treatment today.

I need help but I don't trust anyone. My soul and spirit is too precious. I will get through this the best way I know how...alone...

I went to sleep listening to this song on repeat while I cried...