Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Gay for Stay? Gay for Pay? Gay for Play? Is Gay Okay? Please Explain...



This post is long overdue. This, by far, may be my most emotional, raw and heartfelt post to date. There are issues which are constantly swept under the rug or forced down our throats to be accepted. There are topics which are considered as taboo or forbidden conversation. Well, I say damn that! People are hurting due to some of this bullshit and I am one of them.

This new era has been nothing but a shit-storm destined for disaster so only the elite can survive and rebuild the nation as they see fit.

What am I talking about? Topics such as racism, poverty, immigration, stereotypes, child abuse, sexual abuse, rape, incest, pedophilia, obesity, politics, religion, and that's right, you guessed it...HOMO-SEXUALITY!!!!

Yes, I am going there today. If anyone finds fault in anything I have to say today or no longer likes me due to my views on this one topic then I say to hell with you because you were never for me to begin with. I have never degraded anyone, or shown any negativity to anyone I have written about or any of my readers, but if you love me the way you claim to, you will understand why I need to get this off of my chest.

Whew! Breathe Selah...


Read in context, not in emotion. 

As you all know from reading my blog, I was in a serious relationship with a man named Anthony. A man who I came to discover had slept with at least one man in the past. My life has been shattered as a result of it. There were a chain of events which took place after my discovery. Pains in my heart and soul that the words of the English language won't even allow me to reach. Maybe I should learn Latin or Greek. They probably have a word to describe my constant agony.

Where do I begin? I am so disheveled when it comes to this topic. Never in a million years would I have ever thought I would be speaking on this from experience. The chances of me being struck by lightning were more probable in my mind.

Okay, so I'm just going to wing it. I am truly all over the place in my mind right now. Too many cloudy thoughts stampeding through my head at once to get it all coherently written down.

Anthony hurt me...

Yes, I'll start there.

Anthony gave me hope.

Anthony gave me love and support.

Anthony made me believe in love.

Anthony made me believe in black love.

Anthony treated me like a queen.

Anthony was a "queen".

Anthony broke my heart... 

Damn...

I need you guys to help me. I have dedicated months of my life, even a year, to helping all of you. Now, is your chance to return the favor. Your girl, me, is hurting badly. I have been hurting for exactly 387 endless days while exerting tons of energy to try to cover it up. I think I have been doing a spectacular job at it.

"Nobody knows the troubles I've seen.
Nobody knows my sorrow."

Before I met Anthony, life was extremely tough. But so was I. I struggled gracefully. Everyone who knew me called me strong. Every guy who had the pleasure of dating me was able to walk away with their lives drastically enhanced. Whether it was me helping to clear their criminal record, finding them decent work, getting them off of drugs and/or alcohol, or even obtaining a high school diploma or equivalency. In several cases, I even helped them to obtain a relationship with their children.

Why am I telling you this? Because I am suffering in silence and don't know how to ask for help. That's not in my vocabulary.

You would have thought overcoming HIV would be the most difficult thing life could dish at you right? Nope! Not for me. Not when your life has been so hard that you always knew you would die young, most likely from suicide or at the hands of a family member. Looking back, HIV was a cakewalk compared to what I had to deal with beforehand. HIV is pretty much only a matter of changing what you consume. Boom! Problem solved.

However, these are the things I struggle with. The love of my life is gay. Or was gay? Or was he, or is he bisexual? Do you see what I mean?! I throw my hands up in the air sometimes when I begin to wrestle with these thoughts.

He NEVER wanted to have anal sex with me, not that I wanted him to either. But I asked him a few times just to mess with him. But he didn't even care for that type of joke. He never really allowed me to give him oral either. He said I was his queen and "dick-sucking" was for the hoes in the street he used to run through. I said okay and shrugged my shoulders because I didn't really want to "suck dick" anyway. I was spoiled in the bedroom. He had nuuuuumerous females in the past that he had sex with. It didn't take much for him to bag one. But he wasn't into giving oral sex. He was always on the receiving end because they were "hoes," as he put it. 

But that wasn't going to fly for me. He pursued a committed relationship with me and even marriage. So, now he had to do what it would take to maintain me. We were friends years before we got together, so he knew I loved receiving oral more than my next breath! Lol. So he shyly approached the dinner table  and played around with the utensils until he had become familiar with the tools and gathered his bearings. Of course, I had no problem teaching him either. Just call me Professor. Lol. Because his heart was so set on pleasing me, he became a novice in no time. Hands down, the best I ever had! Not to mention his sex game sky-rocketed off the charts as well. He learned how to be passionate and romantic, taking his time with every crevice of my body. Not that I taught him that. I can't take credit there because I was never really into the slow-gaze-into-my-eyes-and-kiss-me-gently type of sex before I met him. Then, I realized that I was only open to this depth of what I used to consider "TV romance" now because love was present. I was finally on the receiving end of love. Don't get me wrong, my heart is bigger than all of the Galapagos Islands. I have legitimately loved everyone I have allowed into my life. I have even been picked on many times for being this way. But I also realize that a lot of those people did not love me in return. They never knew how to love. Never experienced love. Or they had so much bull crap going on, that love was not their focus. Did they care about me? Of course! With every fiber of their being. They were just incapable or maybe even unwilling to give me what I didn't even know I deserved then.

But then came Anthony. His love was more than just words. I didn't even want to love him. I thought I was done with that. But his love was filled with actions, effort and sacrifices on his part. He showed me that love could sprout from the darkest places and from the most unexpected people. I was fulfilled. I was whole. My son had a father-figure who saw him as a blessing instead of an obstacle in his way of getting to me like most men of my past. He loved me and I felt it. His will was there, all I had to do with him was a little redirecting and polishing up. Every day with him was like the first day.

Damn...here I go crying again...
Will it ever end? Will the pain ever subside?

We studied (one of my favorite things to do) African history, religion, nutrition and spirituality together. We went out on dates at least three times per month. We traveled together. Everything! He was the pep to my step. The rhythm to my rhyme. The thought on my mind. Everything. Other than being at work, he was always with me. Not because I made him, but because he wanted to be. 

But then my intuition kicked in and I found out about his past. He was with a man. He put jack in the box. Traded pussy lips for cocks. Had me wondering if he was a bottom or a top.


Why? Because there was absolutely nothing feminine about him.

Ugh! My stomach hurts...

Either way it goes, he still sucked a dick. Right? I mean, isn't that how it goes? Whether you're a top or a bottom, pitcher or a catcher, you still suck dick, right? I'm confused. Somebody please explain this shit to me. I know I have quite a few gay readers. You don't have to disclose your identity, but help me understand this shit. I am torn and will forever be if I don't wrap my head around these shenanigans.

He said he's not gay. How the fuck?! You were out there sword fighting. One sword fight constitutes a homosexual in my mind. And I don't believe in bisexuality either. I can eat chicken and beef but not pork. It's all meat, so that still makes me a carnivore, right?

Did he mean that he wasn't gay while he was with me? Why didn't he tell me? Was he afraid of coming out of the closet or afraid of losing me? Even when he contacts me now, I don't have the heart to ask him because I know he will be embarrassed and he probably still wouldn't give me an answer. It seems like something he's going to take to the grave.

What is so appealing about two men screwing? I even watched a few gay porns to see if I could understand it and it still makes no sense to me. Makes me nauseous. Dick in the butt hurts. And if the one who's throwing it likes butthole so much, I am more than sure all WOMEN have one. I really don't understand. I'm not pretending here. Help me out someone. I am perplexed. 

How can someone be with men and women? Be attracted to men and women? I have never desired a woman in my life or even as much as a threesome. What is going on in America? He ruined my life. I feel like all men secretly want a penis in their keister or an egg in their mouth for Easter. I am afraid to let them get near me.

But...for some reason, I still love Anthony. Why? After he apologized and I was cured and  there was nothing else to really be mad at, I realized I still loved him. Or do I ? Is it him that I love? Or the idea of the love he provided me with that I am infatuated by? I'm not really sure about anything anymore other than the fact that I can't function normally anymore. Other than the fact that I hate seeing men dress up as women or act like women. That's what we have women for. That job is already taken. No matter how much ass you eat or lube you use it will never be a pussy. That belongs to the female anatomy. I am sure that I don't agree with people who alter their bodies to favor a gender other than the one on their birth certificates being allowed to go to prisons or correctional facilities as whatever they identify with. You chose that life so deal with the consequences. If you were born a man, go to the male dorms of the correctional facility. A white woman can't wake up and change her color to black and be addressed as such. Nor can a black woman do the opposite. There is a lack of respect for the natural order of things that rubs me the wrong way. Two men can not produce children. Nature chooses what gender and color we are. Some things just shouldn't be changed.

Do I hate gay people (male or female)? I don't think so. I just feel hurt every time I see one. I feel afraid for my son by the way it is sensationalized in television and music these days. I want my child to be a man. Be responsible, get married, have children, the whole nine. Not be feminine or weak. I couldn't imagine any part of his body being penetrated. That would break my heart. I had a son, not a daughter. I don't think anyone is born that way. I also think a person should be able to express that they do not promote homosexuality as long as they aren't hurting the person or degrading them. How did homosexuals get more rights than all other amendments? Just this morning, comedian Mike Epps was under fire for refusing to take a picture with a gay man who was dressed as a woman at his show. Is that not that man's fucking right to choose who with and when he takes pictures?! They paid for tickets to watch a show, not a meet & greet and photo-op. I think homosexuality is just a trend right now because it has become so popular and after a few decades, it will die out. I think a lot of people turn gay because of acceptance.

Why are you in the closet? Why sleep with women? Do you legitimately find women attractive?

And I also have wisdom enough to know that these are all thoughts. There are a lot of things that I don't know and my views are subject to change upon education. I am trying to find this book to help me heal. It is not in stock anywhere and I don't want to wait for shipping. I want it today.


I also watched a brief interview with the author of the book when Oprah interviewed him on her show. You can view it on the link below. Let me know what you think.



REMINDER: ALWAYS REMEMBER TO READ THE COMMENTS SECTION OF THE POSTS. THERE IS A WEALTH OF INFORMATION THAT CAN BE FOUND THERE.









32 comments:

  1. This is a deep subject . I have read your entire story and I feel your pain. A lot of times we sit think about the wonders of the world and they don't really have to bother us. Me personally, the way people live their lives is their own business. I continue about my way. You do have some anger and it seems to be toward gay people (closet men). Question. Is Anothy working on being cured? Does he still want to be with you ? What does your heart tell you ? You still love him and I know you wish it never happend. My heart goes out to you. I'm sure you and Anthony would be great together. I know some ppl may nail me to the wall for saying that, but the thing is we have to stop doing things because we think others will not approve. If you want to be with Anothy , DO IT! He has a lot to prove to you, but in making that decision , you cannot play the victim because getting back together is a mutual decision. The way you talk about him, it's so real. Your love that is. I'm sure he did not intend to make you ill, but all is well now. You can move foward. Please do not blame gay people . You were dealing with one individual because if he was sleeping around with just women, he could have still contracted it and passed it on. He shouldn't be sleeping around period. If he can commit to you Selah, follow your heart queen. Forget the others because at the end of the day, you are the one that has to be comfortable with YOUR situation. Much love

    -Tay

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  2. I am glad I asked the question concerning my anger because from where I am standing I don't feel that I am angry toward them. I don't hate them or run away from them or refuse to interact with them. I know they aren't all the same. I don't understand them much and until Anthony, their lifestyle NEVER affected me that I knew of. I said a lot of things that a lot of people feel but are too afraid to say or don't know how to say without expressing hate. I guess that's why I didn't think I was angry. I would have chose words like "confused" or "hurt" but that's why I asked. It's good to get the input of others. I want to understand that which I cannot on my own.

    I don't know if Anthony is getting treatment. His well-being is no longer my concern. He lost that privilege and I am not ready to give it to him. He tells me he loves me and still wants to be with me and that he's afraid. I don't know what my heart says. I love him but I don't trust my heart anymore. I guess I am just waiting for life to take its course in all directions other than with my child. I am in the driver seat concerning him.

    I agree 100% with not doing things because others find it acceptable. That's why I write the way I write and speak as candidly as I do. Yes, I love him. Yes, I wish it never happened. We were almost there. We almost made it. We would have had a happy life together ONLY IF he knew deep down in his heart that he no longer wanted to be with men. That was not something I was going to impose upon him or guess about.

    It made me cry when you said please do not blame gay people...

    Because I don't want to. But now I am hurt and afraid because of two of them. I don't blame them but now I am hyper-sensitive towards them. Now I am aware of their every existence. Now they are on my radar, not to kill, but to be aware of. I hope that makes sense because I don't know how else to word it.


    Thank you from the depth of my heart for having this discussion with me. One thing I know for sure is that I need help getting past this aspect of the ordeal.

    Understanding Kills Hate,

    -Queen Selah

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  3. What is this term "lifestyle" that people always say ? Are they talking about sex? Heterosexual people sleep around as well. There is no justification for people doing that. It just needs to stop. Take pride in your temple people. Please . Blessings

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  4. This is the most realist shit I ever see you posted! As from my personal experience, there are different levels when it comes to tops and bottoms. You have some tops that are super manly that are strictly into doing the penetrating and not being penetrated then you have some bottoms such as myself that is not feminine at all but dress like a guy, talk like a guy and do normal things but don't play both sides of the fence.

    Do I think that Anthony sucked dick or vice versa? Sure, from experience it is the most manly men out in the streets that you would never guess is down low. That's probably why he never really wanted you to perform oral sex on him because he most likely had a guy doing it. I was inquisitive and still naive and learning a lot of things myself, I didn't do anything sexually from age 18-24. I remember asking a guy off the hookup app that was bisexual why is it that you guys play both ends of the fence? I asked is it because its a lot of stipulation when it comes to dealing with women versus a guy he said yes. Most guys are sort of laid back so they mostly just go with the flow of things without really questioning doing anything sexually,and a whole lot of other things in life. Meanwhile, the majority of women would ask a 1000 of questions, For instance the Who's, What, When, Where, and Why and its sort of naggy and whiny to them.

    As far as Anthony, in order for you to facilitate your healing mentally because I know you said he still contacts you. You really need to have a heart to heart talk whether in person or over the phone he owes that to you because think about it you spent so much money and hard sweat and tears to fight a disease that is very notorious in the United States.

    I hope that he read your blog that he should have already seen to witness all the pain that he has caused its been a year it's time! Whether he feels embarrassed or not because you already have proof when he cheated at another man's house these are questions that need answers why try to commit to me, be in my son's life if you knew you were attracted to another man? (that's a huge step!) You would be so much at ease and peace by transitioning to a normal life. The question is are you really ready to embrace yourself and hear the why, what, who, when, and why? I remember in your previous post reading you said he apologized and you slowly walk away and nodded your head ask ask ask but only when you're ready. Luv ya!

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    1. Ooooooh I love you so much! There were certain parts of this post that when I was writing it I secretly had you in mind, hoping that you would come to my rescue and help explain some of this stuff to me.

      Okay, now let me respond to each part of your comment separately. I am so grateful for your openness. You have no idea how just simply talking about this is helping me.

      PARAGRAPH 1:
      Thank you so much for appreciating this post. It was triggered by a question that one of my readers asked me. It stirred up all sorts of buried emotions. A lot of people are not going to take too well to what I wrote on this one. I don't know why though. Some people are just sensitive or easily offended when it comes to this topic even when no harm was intended. As for the "top" and "bottom" thing that you explained, is it weird that I hope Anthony was the top? It makes it a little easier to deal with. And what do you mean by not playing both sides of the fence? Does that mean that you strictly like men and that's all you deal with?

      PARAGRAPH 2:
      I don't know why I died laughing when you said, "Do I think that Anthony sucked dick? Sure" Lmao! Well, I agree with you there. That man is an expert with the mouthpiece. I wouldn't be surprised if he sucked dick. I guess it is a little easier to talk about now since he apologized and by his communication I no longer doubt whether or not he truly loved me or loves me now. But the thought of him actually getting poked in the butt is still a hard pill to swallow. Why? I'm going to be completely honest with you and I mean absolutely no offense to you by what I am about to say. I love you to pieces and I don't even know you. I read a small portion of your story and love your energy and honesty. So this is just my thought process concerning the matter until further educated. The thought of him actually being penetrated is harder to deal with because it emasculates him. Why? Because, to me, the anus now becomes a substitute for the vagina. I have heard it referred to as "boy-pussy" several times and real vagina being referred to as "fish." That's unbelievable to me. So, the thought of a man I was with pretending to have a "pussy" makes me feel like a lesbian in a way, if that makes sense. Damn. This whole conversation just got crazy, but I can bet you a million dollars that there are hundreds of my followers paying very close attention to how this one unfolds because they too have been having these same questions and want to know. So I thank you with every fiber in my being for taking the time to educate me. I appreciate you. My brother taught me to seek knowledge from every situation and I love him for instilling that within me.

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    2. Also, the oral sex thing. When he and I met years before, there were plenty of girls giving him oral. So, I still don't understand that. I am just grateful that I didn't have to do it. Lol. Also, I am beyond sure that at least that one guy had sucked his dick. I have no doubts about it. He knew that guy before he even knew me. I kind of think that was the guy who turned him out. The guy, Kevin, is older than Anthony and I, and Anthony pretty much grew up in the streets. So, you know how that goes... That's why I put "Gay for Pay"? Dude had a little money. Kevin was before me, so I guess that's why Anthony always said I changed him. But I am not perfect. There were times when I was tough on him because I wanted him to do better in certain areas in his life, like with his daughter, and eventually he did. He used to tell his family that I make him want to do better and be better. It was weird because I wasn't use to anyone stepping up to the plate and he was never used to stepping up to the plate. I guess at one point in our relationship when it was really rough, he probably finally answered one of Kevin's calls or texts because I was stressing him out. Or maybe he reached out to him. Either way it went, I knew from the texts that Kevin was really upset because Anthony had cut off all communication with him. Spoke to him a few times during our rough patch. Then attempted to cut him off again, but Kevin wasn't letting go this time. Once I got wind of this, I didn't even take the time to process whether or not they had been seeing each other while we were together. All I know was that I was sleeping with a man who had slept with a man. Ugh!

      Do you think those guys find women who ask questions annoying because they do not want to deal with accountability? Questions are what can help a person find out whether or not they are at risk of an STD or any other danger. Women are usually more responsible that way. Buy why don't you deal with women if you don't mind me asking?

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    3. PARAGRAPH 3:
      You are so right about that much needed conversation. I guess I was just waiting for the right time. I think a face to face would be the best so he would have no way to hide or back out. I have so many unanswered questions. Some that may not even be my business, but if he loves me the way he says he does, he should have no problem answering them. Especially a year after this whole ordeal of suffering. *sigh* If only it were that easy to make a man be a man and answer simple questions.

      PARAGRAPH 4:
      I don't even think he knows about my blog. He thinks I am Ford tough and that nothing hurts me. He thinks I am superwoman or something. He probably just thinks I am angry. He has no clue just how broken I am. But I am not going to go out of my way to inform him of such. If he ever mans up and asks certain questions, I would have no problem being honest with him. I already asked him that question about why commit to me when you have been with a man and he completely ignored the part about the man and responded "because I love you. I thought I made that clear. I fought for you for a long time and changed for you. I guess you didn't see that." Yep, that was his evasive response and I just left it at that.

      Yes! I am definitely ready to hear the when, and why and all of that. Maybe I thought I was ready before but I was very fragile at that time. I probably would have broken down and done something crazy. But I am ready now. I just want to understand him, understand me, understand life... But nothing about my life will ever be normal again. Imagine how you will feel once you bet the disease. Now add that feeling to the heartache I am feeling and pressures of everyday life. And if you remember, in that same blog post I wrote that after he apologized I fell asleep instantly in his arms. I became comfortable and felt safe around him again.

      That was then though. I keep my distance from him now because I am afraid of falling for him again and he hasn't even given me an explanation. Yes, I got the apology and revelations of love. But I don't want him to think it's okay to behave as if none of this ever happened. You get what I'm saying?

      -Queen Selah

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  5. No problem Queen! And looking at it from a women's perspective, I don't think it's weird that you would hope for Anthony to be a top in a gay relationship hell he might have been versatile doing the penetrating and receiving penetration another gay lingo in the dating world. After all, based upon reading your entire blog, I remembered you saying he was a womanizer/ladies man so it's quite natural that you would never in a million years visualize Anthony getting penetrated and feeling less than a man.

    As far as not playing both sides of the fence, yeah I'm strictly attracted to guys and that's all I've dealt with. And lol at him being the expert with the mouthpiece.

    And yes in the gay world they do refer to the anus as "boy pussy" you're learning and you're right of course your followings are paying close attention everything I'm saying I'm keeping it real, no sugarcoating, I told my college best friend whenever she gets a boyfriend or husband to make sure she seriously evaluates him about his status, orientation, and etc because the thuggish macho men be the main ones you least expect. And you as well as your brother are very wise keep researching and digging!

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    1. It's so crazy because I am the type of person who liked to joke a lot, especially with having a double-digit amount of brothers. I would listen when a person farts and based on the pitch, say things like, "loose booty!" jokingly. Not so much after I passed the age of 25, but nonetheless. So even with Ant, I would listen. It sounded tight. Lol. This whole conversation is crazy but much needed. I remember clearly this one day that he was laying in bed on his stomach naked and I tried to sneak a peak at his butt hole. So I wen into ninja mode and tried to quickly pull his cheeks apart but as soon as he felt my hand on his butt he clenched tightly, turned around, then told me to stop playing. Lmao! Damn it! I think everyone should inspect their partners, man or woman. Inspect the vaginas as well. Spread the labia, make sure the light is on, do whatever you have to do. I have a little mediocre medical degree. Nothing major. So there was this time when Anthony asked me to inspect his balls because he was having pain or something like that. While performing the inspection, I snuck a glance at his anus. I don't know how accurate it was, as he was laying on his back, but everything seemed kosher. Lol. Maybe it's just me, but I think a lot of women try to get a gander at their man's rump. Either way, who knows if he was getting it in there. Do you ever REALLY know a person? We barely know ourselves. Smh.

      Yeah, that mouthpiece was the real deal. Lmao!

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    2. Yep, I always seek understanding from hurtful situations. I am programmed that way. But that usually leads to more hurt for me. The only time I am at peace is when I understand.

      For example, there were times when Anthony and I were together and we would be arguing over something like him not knowing how to cut the grass and I would say be a man, amongst many other things. He would ignore everything else I said and respond, "I am a man!" Like, that was the only thing that bothered him. Now, I see why. He had battles within himself about who he was. There were also times when he would get emotional when we would do things together like purchasing a vehicle or taking family vacations and things. He always said those things meant a lot to him. I have seen him cry three times. I guess that was part of the transition he was speaking of. Too bad I didn't know what he was transitioning from. Now, understanding what was going on with him gives me more peace. The fact that he enjoyed being the man of the house and found great joy in the fact that once he began handling his business, I referred to him as "king". He treasured that. Wow. I didn't even know who I was dealing with. Sometimes I wonder within myself (because I love him so much) if he would have told me what was going on with him, would I have been more understanding and help him instead of losing my patience at times and getting mad because I didn't know the underlying factor? How strong was my love for him? Would it have withstanded such a blow if it was forthcoming?

      Also, I mentioned your blog to one of my readers. She/he is interested in reading it. Is it okay if I share it with her?

      -Queen Selah

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    3. Haha "Loose Booty" I used to be teased and called tight ass when I would play basketball in my shorts because I always had a high buttock. And lol ninja mode expecting his butt cheeks you're hilarious what were you looking for GOLD!!

      Agreed people should inspect their partners body parts every once in awhile. You know that saying Turn off the Lights when getting busy. No Turn that mutherfucka on and see what the hell is going on For real For real!

      Ah Come on Anthony, some of the fundamental things that I feel that most guys should know how to do is take out the trash, cut the grass, change a tire and oil on a car. I do almost most of these things myself. Yeah he was definitely battling with his manhood. Yeah it's ok for you to mention to all the readers to read my blog. I have nothing to hide.

      Whew! Take your time Queen and be careful rushing through traffic this is police stopping season this month as well as, I remember when you were in a car accident in your earlier blogs. Yeah he may have been Gay For Pay for real some guys do partake in those festivities. And yes, I remember those text messages smh its obvious Kevin is a homewrecker and miserable.

      The type of guys that I am attracted to is similar to what a average girl would look for outgoing personality, height and weight proportional (Nice and toned) swag, dress up to par, have some ambition and drive and life, attractiveness and some street and hood no sissy or punk things like that.

      You really took a lot of sentimental time with Anthony for real. Do you ever see yourself rekindling your relationship with Anthony again despite his past hypothetically speaking? If so, what would have to be done differently? It's obvious you still want a bond with him, by holding on to recordings and documentaries, but deep down inside you may be afraid or judged about what other people may say if you go back.

      And about that face-to-face conversation ok and I'm glad you're feeling better.

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    4. Good morning Tight Ass! Lmao! My ninja ass was trying to see if his butt hole looked tampered with. A lot of women do this.

      Ant used to inspect my lady parts as well. It was fun. Check under the hood periodically and shave me up and keep me maintained. Lights on!!! I agree. Lol

      Anthony was lacking a lot in his upbringing. Family on drugs, mom died young, and he still doesn't know who his father is. I grew up in foster care but I always wanted my own so I desired to learn how to maintain in. I know how to do all of those things you mentioned. I taught him how to cut grass eventually and he felt really good about himself afterwards. Lol. After writing this post, I realize that I haven't discussed him in almost a year. I haven't felt comfortable talking about him with anyone. I think I have been trying not to think about him either. I can't say thank you enough. I will let them know about your blog. Thank you. I wanted to make sure I had your permission. Privacy is very important to me.

      Yep, police season indeed. You are right again. They are trying to make their holiday bonus. Honestly, I have been thinking about everything you have told me since yesterday. I thought about it driving home, taking a shower, when I was in bed, and on my way to work again this morning. You changed my views on a lot of things I once felt strongly about and opened my eyes to others that I was blinded to. Just make sure you keep writing your blog even when you don't feel like it. You are too real and raw. I see that you now know first-hand the demands of writing a blog but keep going. 1st, the readers will dwindle in slowly. Then they will read quietly for days or weeks. And finally, they will begin commenting. They are there. You're not talking to yourself. As for Kevin, I think he is just frustrated that he has been dealing with Ant for so long and he still won't give himself completely to him. *shrugs*

      Lol. I can understand your attraction. No sissies or pnks, huh? Lol. I am understanding this gay thing a lot more now. I don't know what I'm attracted to anymore. Peace...yes, I am attracted to peace. Peace, honesty and understanding.

      Yep, I will love him forever. Love him beyond his shortcomings. I really thought he was the one. He used to listen to our recorded conversations in his quiet time and smile. As for being back with him, I don't know. Love will get you killed. Like, I am afraid because I love him toooo much so I keep my distance. He is battling with his own issues that I now understand. In order for him to be back with me he would have a lot to prove.*deep sigh* I think I have finally come to terms with his past. Now, I would just have to be sure about his future. Like, could you ever REALLY STOP being gay or whatever you want to call it? When things get hard between us will you run to a man again? I don't want to deal with that and he is too ashamed to discuss it with me so how would we fix it, you know? Maybe one day I would help him heal himself. Who knows. What would be done differently? I would give him all the space in the world because I see how much he really dropped for me. His love has been proven in my mind. I wouldn't be so tough when showing him things. I don't know, other than that we were good. Of course, he can't be gay anymore and he would no longer be allowed to be alone with my son.

      When it comes to love, I don't care what anyone has to say. My happiness is more important than anyone's opinion. lol

      -Queen Selah

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  6. Yes, I think most guys find women that asks tons of questions annoying to a certain extent, For Instance, what time you coming home? Where are you? Why is it taking you so long? stuff like that some maybe a few guys may find it intriguing that their girl is all over them wanting to know their whereabouts.

    And yes, I think Anthony did not won't to deal with accountability, in the relationship you guys had as far as you pushing him and trying to mold him into being the man he needed to be as well with his baby mother and daughter who asked for his Social Security Number to sue him for child support probably, she most likely was pushing him too. So then, he ran away in both cases and got overwhelmed in the midst and went to Kevin because Kevin most likely said yes to everything without asking a whole lot of questions.

    Why I don't deal with women? pretty much the same reason too whiny blowing up my phone every minute, I felt obligated to pay for this pay for that. I was dating this girl in college, Although I never really got intimate sexually nothing but french kissing and touchy with a girl however, I still know my role I'll hold the door for a girl, walk on the side of the street with traffic etc. I don't really look at women sexually however, I would always want a women close by whether a friend or etc because they are naturally nurturing.

    And yes, I totally get what you're saying, that wasn't cool at all and it's not cool for him to think it's ok and try to sweep it under the rug. I am curious to know myself what he has to say face to face its a must maybe that'll be a To Be Continued in your future blog. Much Love Queen if you have any more questions.

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    1. This comment had me rushing through traffic to make it to my keyboard. Sheesh!

      I was asking questions to understand ALL gay/undercover people, not just Anthony. I was never one of those women who asked a lot of questions because he made me feel secure for the most part. He was barely away from me either. The only question I asked was usually "Are you okay?" when he was too quiet. Or "How are you getting home from work? Do you need me to pick you up?"

      From my research, it seems that Anthony had been with Kevin even before he met the mother of his child. He messed around with her for only two months and within that time she became pregnant. Based on what he told me, it was never meant to be a relationship. As far as the pushing and accountability, he always told his family I make him better, even when I wasn't around to hear it. That's why they liked me. But that proves my point when I said that those type of men are weak. Why? Because they don't want to be accountable or responsible for anything. Is accountability that bad that it leads you to go suck a dick? It can't be. Women deal with accountability everyday. Adults deal with accountability everyday. Life is not an amusement park and when a person decides to put their penis in someone and make a baby or catch a disease, accountability is only right. Running away is a sign of weakness. I wish he would have ran away from me if accountability was truly the problem, rather than staying. I had to call the police to make him leave. He didn't want to go.He kept saying he loved me even in front of the cops. Thinking about his last pleas are making me cry now. Wow. Even though Kevin was more than happy to take him in, he didn't want to go. Kevin is very whiny. He nags about everything. He asks all of those questions that women are accused of asking. I read all of the text messages long after I kicked him out, remember? But Kevin has money. That's why I titled this post "Gay for Pay?" I wondered if Ant was doing it for money.

      So I stand on the belief that it is weak. I never pursued Anthony. These guys that are gay and still pursue women are weak. There's no need for all of that. Men who don't like to answer questions should stay single, stay gay, or find a woman (such as myself) who doesn't ask a lot of questions. There's no excuse.

      I also make my own money. I only had one person who made more than me ever. I don't ask for money either. I just hate when men feel less than because I make more than them. That's why I always help them find better income. So they will feel better about themselves. It has nothing to do with my own ego. I like for my man to feel worthy.

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    2. I respect the fact that you don't play on both sides of the fence. I truly can understand that. But you REALLY opened my eyes with that statement about why you would always like to keep a woman around. That makes a lot of sense. Anthony's mom died young and he never knew his father. He was in the streets a lot and that's when he ran into Kevin.

      I was very nurturing to Anthony once we got together. He was my baby as well as my husband (even though we weren't married yet). He would never sit down or lay down without having a hand on some part of my body for comfort. But I guess I became overbearing at times because, just like a parent, I wanted him to do better.

      So, for you, wanting a woman close is understandable. And you never mess around with them. But the ones who do sleep with them is not right.

      I'm not going to ask you why you don't look at women sexually. I am starting to learn that that is somewhat of a stupid or offensive question. It is what it is. You like what you like. And that's cool. What kind of guys are you attracted t though? Do you have a type?

      I am such a sentimental person. I love to take pictures and record everything because all I ever dreamed of was one day having a beautiful love story that overcame all the odds. That's all I have EVER wanted. So, when Anthony and I would be happy we took pictures and made goofy or funny videos. When we had disagreements we would meet up at a park or the beach to talk and I would record our conversations because I was documenting for our beautiful love story. Sometimes when we were upset we would have sex first. Then talk about the issue naked in bed. I recorded those conversations as well. We even got married. Not in the courthouse. But we had our own private ceremony and wrote our vows. Even til this day he still wears his wedding ring and asks me if I am wearing mine. After we split, I used to put it on every now and then when I was feeling sad, lonely, or just missing him. But I have stopped doing that for a while now. Just last month while we were on the phone he asked me to put it on. I did. But I only wore it for that day.

      You see, this whole thing is so confusing to me because I don't think I was his "beard". He was making great money and living in a different city 4 hours away. He asked me to come move in with him and let him take care of me and my son but I said no. I like my career. He tried several times. Sent me money to drive up to him and spend the weekend and holidays. He would Skype me while I was at work and stay on the phone for at least 10 hours per day. All of my coworkers got to know him because his face was always on my phone screen video chatting. So when he decided to drop everything, leave his place and move in with me, that's when I began to take him seriously. If he's gay, why do all of that? What did I do to deserve what he did to me other than love him the best way I knew how?

      Although I haven't gotten there yet, now I see why people can be so hateful towards homosexuals. SOME of them are so selfish. I have had moments in the past where one or two guys have hurt me so I hated men. During that period, I didn't turn to women because they didn't do the annoying things that men did. I turned within myself and said let me work on me. I need a break from men and their foolishness. Once I was prepared, I got back in the dating pool.

      For those guys who have never been attracted to women and don't sleep with them, in my eyes, those are the strong ones. Don't conform to society. Don't be like the ones who live a lie because they are not strong enough to stand in their truth.

      If I ever have that face-to-face conversation with Anthony, I will definitely update you. I see his daughter every now and then.

      P.S. - Thank you for all of this. I feel better already.

      -Queen Selah

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  7. A lot of people have they question of why are people gay, they were not born like that..... Honestly, it's hard to control attractions. Like you said Queen, you have NEVER been attracted to women. You know you like men. That's the same thing with gay people. It's not something you can run away from. A lot of closet guys still deal with women because they want to keep up a "manly" image by having plenty of females. It's really out of fear. Homosexuality is extremely condemned in the black community.My thing is I don't have to do that. I can respectfully reject people and still hold my self respect.
    I also love women like King stated above. Their energy is well needed.

    -Tay

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    1. The way you describe things are very easy to understand. I don' know whether you know this or not, but right now, in this very moment, everyone who is commenting on this is educating the masses today, and for years to come. Your input is very important. I just have questions. You have answers.

      When I put it into context, I guess attraction is hard to control. Very true. Attractions do change based on experiences or education though. Like, I used to like white guys. After having a history lesson and a long talk from my brother, that changed. I don't hate them. Just not attracted to them anymore. I used to like guys with gold teeth. Not anymore. And although I have never smoked in my life, I used to like smokers. THINGS caused those attractions to change, not a switch in my head where I could just turn an attraction on or off. So I understand what you are saying 1000000%.

      Lots of love to you Tay,

      -Queen Selah

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  8. Queen.. I am here
    I just checked in to see what was going on here... I have not read the post..about to head home but promise you I will go through in depth and give you my feedback, love and energy asap.
    Sending hugs and positive energy your way
    Queen Adenike

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    1. Oh my god. That was so sweet. Thank you for checking in Queen. ☺

      -Queen Selah

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  9. OK.... so I started my morning extra early to allow me the time to catch up on all this good stuff.
    OMG !! Phinest25 you are just what the doctor ordered for Queen Selah !!! Now, this is what I call spectacular. As far as this episode of your journey goes Queen, i think the only person on here who could help you work through all this the way you have over the last 24 hours was Phinest25. Gratitude to the universe for making this connection.
    Now.. for my thoughts...whew!! I do not think Anthony is gay .... OMG i just head car tires screeching.... plates and glass falling, heads turning...she said what????
    I know and I promise I am not trying to be controversial just hear me out.
    I am going by what you have shared which is what you know and I am acting off the premise that it is the truth.
    You said there was no evidence that he was with any other man; and that this encounter was prior to you and him being together.
    I think Anthony is weak. What was his relationship with his mother like? was he ever molested by a man when he was a child? Do you know the story of Donnie McClurkin? how he was molested by three different male family members until he struggled with his sexuality and believed he was gay and ended up even engaging in homosexual activities?
    Fellow followers of this blog do not crucify me it's just my opinion :-)
    I MUST TELL YOU THIS THOUGH QUEEN
    I fear a weak man more than I fear anything else in this life. Why? Because it's weakness that makes a mam know himself to be gay yet lay with women as part of a charade or facade.
    It's weakness that makes a man complain about being with a man because women are nagging and whiny... that is total bullshit. So I do not like to get fucked in the ass or to suck dick..but just because my woman keeps nagging me.. I am gonna suck some dick !!! like really? I am not buying it... you suck dick because you wanna suck dick.. the underlying reason may be money or a reaction to abuse.... but it is weakness that makes you still wanna "play both sides" without being honest about it.. I mean I get if it is a fling or a one night stand.. no moral laws broken there...but a committed relationship? Boy bye !! LOL
    so...what I am saying Queen is that.. when Anthony mans up (no pun intended here) and decides to have an open honest though difficult conversation that you are ENTITLED to... then and only then will he earn the respect of a King .... based on all you have said I feel your heart strings pulling in so many directions... A King needs to know how to love, protect and provide (not talking about money here) for his Queen... a King would know that only a manly approach will move this situation down a positive path... you deserve a King and should Anthony decide to be that .. then the ball is in your court and (not that you need my permission or support) BUT if after all that needs to be set right has been set right in your soul, should you decide to take on this part 2 of the journey.. yours truly will be 100 % in your corner cheering you on because you will need all the support you can get cause the critics will come blazing !!!
    Queen Adenike

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    1. Lmaooooooo! Girl, I didn't even get all the way through your comment yet before I burst out laughing and had to respond. Yep, those tires you heard screeching were mine and my head definitely turned but I don't know whose plates those were because I no longer have an appetite. Lmao! OMG! You are too funny. Okay, let me read on now. Sorry. And yes, I love my Phinest25. He's helped so much.

      Why did I smile when you called Anthony "weak"? *shrugs* Lol

      Yes, Anthony is weak. Agreed. His mom was on drugs heavy until the day she died. This is what he told me himself. She died when he was young. I don't know if he was molested. I feel sorry for Donnie McClurkin because although it was not his fault, he still has feminine characteristics. He's still an amazing man though.

      PAUSE QUEEN!!!: Don't you ever worry about what anyone has to say concerning your opinion. Phinest told me some things that I kind of didn't want to hear but I had to. I respect his honesty and everyone should give you the same courtesy.

      PROCEED:
      Lmao!!! Damn! I can't stop laughing. You are going to get me fired. I cannot make it through your entire post without stopping to respond and giggle. I agree with your stance on weak men and their excuse to engage in homosexual acts 100%. Well said also.

      That last part of your comment got real deep and down to the nitty gritty. I am glad you woke up early this morning to come join us at the round table. You said a lot of things that made plenty of sense. I don't know what the future has in store for Anthony and I, but every time he calls or texts I am just glad to know that he is doing okay. That's love I guess. As for my romantic life, with or without Anthony, right now it is non-existent. I don't think I could function in a relationship with anyone for the rest of my life. And thank god my sex drive has been inactive! Whew! I was afraid that if Ant and I ever split I wouldn't know what to do with myself because he stayed in it everyday and I am NOT into toys. Lol. So the fact that I don't get horny helps me to not desire the company of a man at the moment. Will that change? I kind of hope not because I am terrified of men right now. And yes, I think weakness is a gateway for homosexuality on many levels. Not for the ones who are legitimately gay because they are attracted to men and men only.

      All, I could hope for is that if this face-to-face conversation that I am entitled to ever takes place, I hope it happens when I am strong, in good spirits, and in a place where I can deal with it maturely and hear him out.

      Love you girl.

      Queen to Queen,

      -Queen Selah

      P.S. - I have to read your comment again. It was too funny!

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    2. Oh, and whatever happens between Anthony and I, I will be sure to let you guys know. When this thing first took place, my brothers said if I decide to go back with him it will be okay and that they understand. These are the brothers that live out of town.

      -Queen Selah

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  10. At Queen Adenike, thank you ever so much! I try to be real and candid as much as possible through my personal experience by trying to relate to not only just Queen Selah, but to all the readers. Because at the end of the day, all of us on here, WE ALL Have Something In Common, we were victimized and manipulated and need healing and strength mentally. Going by everyone's aura on this blog we are really down to earth people that were taken advantage of by wickedness in this world. You know how that saying goes you made a fool out of me once, but you damn sure will never make a fool out of me again...

    P.S. I hope everyone is doing great with their eating habits. I'm now on Day 4 of fasting eating nothing, but fruits and smoothies and taking the herb treatments. On the right track so far.

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  11. Xoxo viral load came back but was told they are not going to make mw take the meds. Its my decision. Im fucked up right now but i will continue to work on it harder. The load was little also but the fact remains it came back so keep following up people on your healrh. My dr gonna say idk why they were having sex with Monkeys. I asked her do you really believe that shit??, So pray for me and ill pr6at for you all as well !!! Queen if you can text or call me love you sis

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  12. Hey Queen Selah. Best wishes for 2017. Just finished reading your contribution and perspectives on those engaged in same sex expressions of affection. I stumbled on your name as I was trying to cross reference any google finds on making herbs and trying to grow them in Zimbabwe. Dr Sebi's name came up, and I clicked on a link and found myself here. So I read on your experience with Anthony, and just thought I'd pitch my two cents. In todays economy, priceless right!!?? Lol! I digress. Anyway, I'd been watching a Sebi presentation, where he describes himself as male! Not a 'man' as he doesnt subscribe to that description, but male, as in gender...and that is where he stops. As he emphasises that those that describe themselves as man, have a collective of ideologies that are actually division principles in the balance of the human species, and a manly outlook on the roles we play, and the reduction of the feminine generative when it comes to spiritual principles. I'm inclined to agree. Its only our anatomy that determines orientation from a social concept perspective. Here's my view. We are spiritual beings, living a human experience. As in come crossover (Death's transition to the next realm) and our spirit is released from the physical vehicle we occupy in this realm, what gender is our spirit? Well, spirits have no gender. Its a force of energy. So, when it comes to homosexuality, I understand this way. Its probably not even a sexual thing! We are attracted to the energy in people. In either polarity. One being, like energy attracts like energy, and the other, opposites attract!! Just that makes those quotes totally baseless!! So, as much as we admire the bodies of other men, appreciate their contribution to the arts, or their roles in parenting, men do love each other. On multiple levels. Just sometimes, our appreciation and affection for other men crosses physical boundaries, boundaries thought up and labelled by 'principled' individuals. Your dis-comfort in discussing taboo issues is also encouraged, as I believe, we think too highly of ourselves. We are just human animals, that believe are too smart, and smarter than everything else. And all these social concept systems that we've imagined and thought up, from politics to religion, are all failed concepts, and as we evolve, many things once thought of as wrong,are discarded, from politics to religion and whatever. Just by way of example, recognize and accept the animal we are when it comes to our sexual nature!! Paedophilia (Sex with children), Incest (Sex with our own children), Bestiality (Sex with animals, which incidentally is legal in some countries, though re-named 'zoophilia'), Necrophilia (Sex with dead people, and animals), Homosexuality (Sex with the same sex) and masturbation (Sex with ourselves!!!). We are animals. We've just designed these social concepts and now we self impose limitations on ourselves. Limitations that are not adhered to from the advent of time till now. However, when this physical is no more, we are free from all things physical. But that is how we started out apparently. If you subscribe to the whole, "From dust we are, and to dust we return, but the spirit lives on. In fact, it was spirit, that took the form of humans. So spirit to begin with, and spirit we continue with, after this temporary vehicle is discarded!! Long winded I know, but theres depths to the shallowness we believe is knowledge! Whole and Balance!

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    1. Incomplete sign-off: Wholeness and Balance! Oh, and P.S...I'm in touch with my 'Feminine Side!' though heterosexual by orientation, whatever that means!!

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  13. i applaud you in sharing your heart unreservedly. Its not a straight forward answer for you to move on but I believe total forgiveness is necessary and realize you won't understand reason for everything in this life. Learn from past mistakes, evaluate the implications from them and move into the future with
    God.

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  14. I haven't been on here in a long time but I told u a while back to take a break. It sounds like (only based on what you are telling us, I dont wantto seem like I'm speaking authoritatively on someone else's life) ...that spiritually Anthony wanted to be free but couldn't deal with the shame society would have put on him for being out. Rather than embrace his shadows and secret desires he wanted to cover it up and overcompensate on his masculinity (esp sexually) and have a love with you that may have truly been genuine to an extent, but was also more acceptable by society. Rather than do some real soul searching to figure out how to heal from a turbulent childhood and stand strong in his power to live in his truth, he decided to medicate with both you and Kevin. He let you heal him to a degree but it wasn't enough to have him deal with his situation with Kevin. Kevin is messy as fuck, don't let him taint ur view of LGBTQs . There are a lot of men who love men openly yet privately. Meaning they aren't the typical flamboyant stereotype we see on tv flaunting their sexuality, but they don't deny it either. They live their lives and don't bother anybody. It sounds like no matter how much love and knowledge you gave him, Anthony still would have had to do the individual work to be better. Facing the scars and pains of a childhood that seemed so long ago is scary shit whether for him or for anybody who is not ready to handle it. And it seemed like that was too difficult so he found temporary solace in relationships with you and Kevin to distract him. However once you got infected it shook everything up and he had to deal with the cold hard facts of the dual lives that he was living. Please do not take this as an Sympathy post for Anthony at all, he really needs his ass whipped one time for treating his health and those around so carelessly. I'm surprised he hasn't received one by now but if he hasn't that's very mature of you. That takes some real power and restraint not to seriously hurt him. But this sounds like a man with some serious issues that only he can fix with the help of whatever higher power he believes in. I don't blame you one bit for loving him still, but loving him from afar. Sometimes that's all we can do. Anthony is too lost and until he gets help, he will remain that way. Sometimes we wanna put the job on us out of "love" only to drain ourselves and be hurt by the same person we sacrificed to help. Good riddance to him. Continue putting yourself first.

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  15. Oh and I love Phinest. He Keepin it all the way real.

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  16. FUCK HIM !!! YOU'RE FREAKING AMAZING IN EVERY ASPECT OF THE WORD AND ONCE AGAIN FUCK HIM !!! I'm ecstatic to hear you didn't let one monkey stop your show; you're an inspiration to a lot of people with & without an illness. I came across your blog last year as I was learning more about Dr. Sebi's work and I been rooting for you ever since then I don't post a reply I just read and send my prayers. Im a grown man and feel like crying cause your are the epitome of powerful yet so feminine; I wish you the best and i always will !!!

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  17. Hi Selah, Your story is awesome! Can you consider speaking to a group of ladies via conference call about your story. The call is about relationships. We were just discussing gay down low and the like. Hope you will consider.

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