Tuesday, December 6, 2016
Gay for Stay? Gay for Pay? Gay for Play? Is Gay Okay? Please Explain...
This post is long overdue. This, by far, may be my most emotional, raw and heartfelt post to date. There are issues which are constantly swept under the rug or forced down our throats to be accepted. There are topics which are considered as taboo or forbidden conversation. Well, I say damn that! People are hurting due to some of this bullshit and I am one of them.
This new era has been nothing but a shit-storm destined for disaster so only the elite can survive and rebuild the nation as they see fit.
What am I talking about? Topics such as racism, poverty, immigration, stereotypes, child abuse, sexual abuse, rape, incest, pedophilia, obesity, politics, religion, and that's right, you guessed it...HOMO-SEXUALITY!!!!
Yes, I am going there today. If anyone finds fault in anything I have to say today or no longer likes me due to my views on this one topic then I say to hell with you because you were never for me to begin with. I have never degraded anyone, or shown any negativity to anyone I have written about or any of my readers, but if you love me the way you claim to, you will understand why I need to get this off of my chest.
Whew! Breathe Selah...
Read in context, not in emotion.
As you all know from reading my blog, I was in a serious relationship with a man named Anthony. A man who I came to discover had slept with at least one man in the past. My life has been shattered as a result of it. There were a chain of events which took place after my discovery. Pains in my heart and soul that the words of the English language won't even allow me to reach. Maybe I should learn Latin or Greek. They probably have a word to describe my constant agony.
Where do I begin? I am so disheveled when it comes to this topic. Never in a million years would I have ever thought I would be speaking on this from experience. The chances of me being struck by lightning were more probable in my mind.
Okay, so I'm just going to wing it. I am truly all over the place in my mind right now. Too many cloudy thoughts stampeding through my head at once to get it all coherently written down.
Anthony hurt me...
Yes, I'll start there.
Anthony gave me hope.
Anthony gave me love and support.
Anthony made me believe in love.
Anthony made me believe in black love.
Anthony treated me like a queen.
Anthony was a "queen".
Anthony broke my heart...
I need you guys to help me. I have dedicated months of my life, even a year, to helping all of you. Now, is your chance to return the favor. Your girl, me, is hurting badly. I have been hurting for exactly 387 endless days while exerting tons of energy to try to cover it up. I think I have been doing a spectacular job at it.
"Nobody knows the troubles I've seen.
Nobody knows my sorrow."
Before I met Anthony, life was extremely tough. But so was I. I struggled gracefully. Everyone who knew me called me strong. Every guy who had the pleasure of dating me was able to walk away with their lives drastically enhanced. Whether it was me helping to clear their criminal record, finding them decent work, getting them off of drugs and/or alcohol, or even obtaining a high school diploma or equivalency. In several cases, I even helped them to obtain a relationship with their children.
Why am I telling you this? Because I am suffering in silence and don't know how to ask for help. That's not in my vocabulary.
You would have thought overcoming HIV would be the most difficult thing life could dish at you right? Nope! Not for me. Not when your life has been so hard that you always knew you would die young, most likely from suicide or at the hands of a family member. Looking back, HIV was a cakewalk compared to what I had to deal with beforehand. HIV is pretty much only a matter of changing what you consume. Boom! Problem solved.
However, these are the things I struggle with. The love of my life is gay. Or was gay? Or was he, or is he bisexual? Do you see what I mean?! I throw my hands up in the air sometimes when I begin to wrestle with these thoughts.
He NEVER wanted to have anal sex with me, not that I wanted him to either. But I asked him a few times just to mess with him. But he didn't even care for that type of joke. He never really allowed me to give him oral either. He said I was his queen and "dick-sucking" was for the hoes in the street he used to run through. I said okay and shrugged my shoulders because I didn't really want to "suck dick" anyway. I was spoiled in the bedroom. He had nuuuuumerous females in the past that he had sex with. It didn't take much for him to bag one. But he wasn't into giving oral sex. He was always on the receiving end because they were "hoes," as he put it.
But that wasn't going to fly for me. He pursued a committed relationship with me and even marriage. So, now he had to do what it would take to maintain me. We were friends years before we got together, so he knew I loved receiving oral more than my next breath! Lol. So he shyly approached the dinner table and played around with the utensils until he had become familiar with the tools and gathered his bearings. Of course, I had no problem teaching him either. Just call me Professor. Lol. Because his heart was so set on pleasing me, he became a novice in no time. Hands down, the best I ever had! Not to mention his sex game sky-rocketed off the charts as well. He learned how to be passionate and romantic, taking his time with every crevice of my body. Not that I taught him that. I can't take credit there because I was never really into the slow-gaze-into-my-eyes-and-kiss-me-gently type of sex before I met him. Then, I realized that I was only open to this depth of what I used to consider "TV romance" now because love was present. I was finally on the receiving end of love. Don't get me wrong, my heart is bigger than all of the Galapagos Islands. I have legitimately loved everyone I have allowed into my life. I have even been picked on many times for being this way. But I also realize that a lot of those people did not love me in return. They never knew how to love. Never experienced love. Or they had so much bull crap going on, that love was not their focus. Did they care about me? Of course! With every fiber of their being. They were just incapable or maybe even unwilling to give me what I didn't even know I deserved then.
But then came Anthony. His love was more than just words. I didn't even want to love him. I thought I was done with that. But his love was filled with actions, effort and sacrifices on his part. He showed me that love could sprout from the darkest places and from the most unexpected people. I was fulfilled. I was whole. My son had a father-figure who saw him as a blessing instead of an obstacle in his way of getting to me like most men of my past. He loved me and I felt it. His will was there, all I had to do with him was a little redirecting and polishing up. Every day with him was like the first day.
Damn...here I go crying again...
Will it ever end? Will the pain ever subside?
We studied (one of my favorite things to do) African history, religion, nutrition and spirituality together. We went out on dates at least three times per month. We traveled together. Everything! He was the pep to my step. The rhythm to my rhyme. The thought on my mind. Everything. Other than being at work, he was always with me. Not because I made him, but because he wanted to be.
But then my intuition kicked in and I found out about his past. He was with a man. He put jack in the box. Traded pussy lips for cocks. Had me wondering if he was a bottom or a top.
Why? Because there was absolutely nothing feminine about him.
Ugh! My stomach hurts...
Either way it goes, he still sucked a dick. Right? I mean, isn't that how it goes? Whether you're a top or a bottom, pitcher or a catcher, you still suck dick, right? I'm confused. Somebody please explain this shit to me. I know I have quite a few gay readers. You don't have to disclose your identity, but help me understand this shit. I am torn and will forever be if I don't wrap my head around these shenanigans.
He said he's not gay. How the fuck?! You were out there sword fighting. One sword fight constitutes a homosexual in my mind. And I don't believe in bisexuality either. I can eat chicken and beef but not pork. It's all meat, so that still makes me a carnivore, right?
Did he mean that he wasn't gay while he was with me? Why didn't he tell me? Was he afraid of coming out of the closet or afraid of losing me? Even when he contacts me now, I don't have the heart to ask him because I know he will be embarrassed and he probably still wouldn't give me an answer. It seems like something he's going to take to the grave.
What is so appealing about two men screwing? I even watched a few gay porns to see if I could understand it and it still makes no sense to me. Makes me nauseous. Dick in the butt hurts. And if the one who's throwing it likes butthole so much, I am more than sure all WOMEN have one. I really don't understand. I'm not pretending here. Help me out someone. I am perplexed.
How can someone be with men and women? Be attracted to men and women? I have never desired a woman in my life or even as much as a threesome. What is going on in America? He ruined my life. I feel like all men secretly want a penis in their keister or an egg in their mouth for Easter. I am afraid to let them get near me.
But...for some reason, I still love Anthony. Why? After he apologized and I was cured and there was nothing else to really be mad at, I realized I still loved him. Or do I ? Is it him that I love? Or the idea of the love he provided me with that I am infatuated by? I'm not really sure about anything anymore other than the fact that I can't function normally anymore. Other than the fact that I hate seeing men dress up as women or act like women. That's what we have women for. That job is already taken. No matter how much ass you eat or lube you use it will never be a pussy. That belongs to the female anatomy. I am sure that I don't agree with people who alter their bodies to favor a gender other than the one on their birth certificates being allowed to go to prisons or correctional facilities as whatever they identify with. You chose that life so deal with the consequences. If you were born a man, go to the male dorms of the correctional facility. A white woman can't wake up and change her color to black and be addressed as such. Nor can a black woman do the opposite. There is a lack of respect for the natural order of things that rubs me the wrong way. Two men can not produce children. Nature chooses what gender and color we are. Some things just shouldn't be changed.
Do I hate gay people (male or female)? I don't think so. I just feel hurt every time I see one. I feel afraid for my son by the way it is sensationalized in television and music these days. I want my child to be a man. Be responsible, get married, have children, the whole nine. Not be feminine or weak. I couldn't imagine any part of his body being penetrated. That would break my heart. I had a son, not a daughter. I don't think anyone is born that way. I also think a person should be able to express that they do not promote homosexuality as long as they aren't hurting the person or degrading them. How did homosexuals get more rights than all other amendments? Just this morning, comedian Mike Epps was under fire for refusing to take a picture with a gay man who was dressed as a woman at his show. Is that not that man's fucking right to choose who with and when he takes pictures?! They paid for tickets to watch a show, not a meet & greet and photo-op. I think homosexuality is just a trend right now because it has become so popular and after a few decades, it will die out. I think a lot of people turn gay because of acceptance.
Why are you in the closet? Why sleep with women? Do you legitimately find women attractive?
And I also have wisdom enough to know that these are all thoughts. There are a lot of things that I don't know and my views are subject to change upon education. I am trying to find this book to help me heal. It is not in stock anywhere and I don't want to wait for shipping. I want it today.
I also watched a brief interview with the author of the book when Oprah interviewed him on her show. You can view it on the link below. Let me know what you think.
REMINDER: ALWAYS REMEMBER TO READ THE COMMENTS SECTION OF THE POSTS. THERE IS A WEALTH OF INFORMATION THAT CAN BE FOUND THERE.