Monday, April 11, 2016

Day 139 - Wednesday, April 6, 2016



After work today, on my way home, I felt drained and semi-psychotic. After taking my son to karate practice it got worse. I needed to get out of the house so I grabbed my keys and went for a drive.

 I began crying. I couldn't breathe. It wouldn't stop. My chest began hurting relentlessly. I didn't know where to go. I was driving in my car and called Kim from work. But she wasn't saying anything of help and I just started screaming and hung up the phone. I hate being vulnerable or opening up for no reason. If a person can't help me then what is the point of talking to them. I wasn't mad. I was just moving forward. 

I kept driving and crying and trying to figure out where I was even going. Then I began heading in the direction of my brother's house. Something in the pit of my stomach said don't do it. I have never reached out to this brother for any sort of emotional support because he doesn't respect emotions and seems as if he doesn't have any of his own. But I went anyway. Why? Because he told me I could talk to him when something is wrong. Because he told me he is my brother and he loves me. Because everyone tells me to learn to reach out for help. So, I tried it. 

When I pulled up in his driveway, his car wasn't there. I was devastated and began crying even harder. Once again, my gut began to speak to me and told me to just leave. But I went against it and called him. He answered and said he was out to dinner with someone. This is just what I was talking about the other day about how important romantic relationships are compared to family ones. I cried and told him not to worry about it and that I would just go home. He asked me why did I come without calling. I hung up. It was an emergency, duh! I didn't say that to him because it would be rude and disrespectful. 

I could barely see as I drove home. My vision was blurry in addition to the constant flow of tears. But I made it. I didn't even pull my car into my driveway. I left it outside of the gate I staggered into my home. I was drained, lost, and confused. Within moments of walking in I felt my body begin to tremble at the onset of what would be my first seizure for the night.

My son began to administer CPR as he called Fire-Rescue. He gave them all of my information, including age, address, name, responsiveness, and heart rate. I know this because the medics told me. As I began to come to, I saw my brother standing in my living room as they were loading me onto the gurney. But I went out again because I began to seize once more.

I was in the hospital for a while. I don't know how long. I woke up feeling drained and was advised that they had to sedate me because I had a total of four seizures. They ran CAT scans and everything while I was out. My brother came to pick me up from the hospital and the first thing he said is that it's not cool for him to come to my house and see my son standing over me and on the phone with Fire-Rescue. He went on to say that he thinks I have a mental condition and something along the lines of me not providing a good environment for my son.

That was it for me. Maybe I took it wrong but what I was hearing was that my issues are becoming a burden for him and I am not being a good parent for my son. I didn't get angry at him. I just nodded my head and became angry with myself for expecting any understanding. And I am Supermom! Nothing is wrong with my child or the way I am raising him. I just listened as my heart broke once again.

I am done. I am putting my feelings away for good. How could someone get mad at me for feeling the way I feel? I always get this crap about what I shouldn't do, knowing that no one has ever told me what I SHOULD DO. He didn't seem interested in my pain no matter how well I broke it down for him. He didn't seem interested in all that I had been through during these 29 years of life I have experienced. He just brought up my failures. The very few failures that I had, and he completely disregarded all of the MANY things that have been done TO ME. He just always becomes quickly agitated with my experiences and hurt derived from them.

I am burned out. I am not writing anymore. I don't want to burden anyone with the act of worrying about me. But just imagine how it feels to actually BE me. But I guess worrying is the real burden, huh? *shrugs* 

But the truth is, I acquired this disease. No one else. I am responsible for myself at this point. Not them. I have to keep that in mind. They didn't give it to me.

I feel so alone as far as understanding goes. I mean there are several people who make themselves available to me every now and then. But what is the point if they don't understand? Either way, I appreciate them for trying to be there for me.

So, as I crack, crumble and fall apart, and possible develop a mental condition in the process, I will no longer be writing my blog. I will try to come back on and post my results after the 19th of this month, which is my next doctor's appointment. I will not have the results that day because that is the day they will be drawing the blood. But I will try to post it a few days later once they tell me. I will also post my next HIV test results because I feel that I am close to being cured. One more package would have definitely did it for me but I am tired of scrounging for change in order to try to save for it. And I refuse to ask my brother for any more money towards it based on the way he expressed his feelings toward my condition and life as a whole. If I am not cured at this next visit then I will just have to slow down and know that it might take me three more months to raise the money on my own for another treatment package.

I don't care about anything (except my son) anymore. I don't want to be righteous or mannerable or any of that shit that doesn't really matter in the end. All it does is give you status. I don't want to care about people who don't care about me. I don't want to care what people think. I don't want to do the right thing. I just want to be happy and actually enjoy living my life for me and my happiness. At this point, I choose to do whatever it is that will make me happy despite what anyone thinks or despite what it looks like. Because all this time, I thought I was doing the right thing and I was STILL being judged maliciously. Screw it. Time to be happy.

Farewell until next time. Peace and love to all.



Sometimes you can't see the joyful part of your life until it's over...

Queen Selah

23 comments:

  1. Sooooooooo sorry babygirl. Love you too peices and what about our movie. Did you do the oil of oregano and olive leaf yet? I want you to call me I have to tell you something. Stop spazzing out sis. We not go give up keep writing ok. You may not know but its not sbout you. Its sbout somebody else. We didnt come this fsr to give the fuck up. Sorry to curse but I need you laughing...Ha ha a 12 yr old tried to talk to me lol . I didn't want to hurt his feelings but I had too. He was really older but he acted like he was 12 talking about he only eat hamburgers and hamburger helper lmao.I told him I dont eat BS. Lol I went to the Dr and all my numbers were amazing we need yo chop it up frfr. Xoxoxoxo use the number I nboxed u with

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  2. Please don't give up. You may not know it, but your writing is helping alot of people. me included. I will pray that you find the peace and strength that your looking for.

    PLEASE don't stop writing this blog

    Sue

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  3. This is not you, right? I can't imagine that you gave up so easily in this journey and gave the BigPharma another win. You're not alone, queen. You have to stop thinking about being in a relationship. That's not important, but you know what it's important?: your son. There's so many things to do and think and you're thinking about being in a relationship? Please! STAND UP! You have to be strong. Don't give up, not for us, the readers, but for you and your son. He is your family and he will NEVER leave you alone. What would Dr. Sebi said about this? Would you throw away all the months you've been in this journey to be healthy? STAND UP. CLEAR THOSE EYES. AND KEEP CONTINUE IN THIS JOURNEY. But at least, notice us how you're going on. Blessings.

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    1. Relationships ARE important. No one can convince me of otherwise. That's what society wants you to think but I refuse to succumb to that mindset. Everything good and natural result from healthy relationships. Nothing is whole without being tied to something else. The plants don't grow without the sun. The fish don't live without the ocean. Life ceases to exist without oxygen. Relationships are important. They bring forth life. There is no reproduction without a man and a woman TOGETHER. But yes, I am thinking about relationships because this thing is hard to fight alone. But it's funny how that is where you directed your focus. That is another reason I am taking time for myself. People don't understand me. They choose not to understand me. And I can't pretend or be fake by acting as if certain things don't bother me or don't cross my mind, because THEY DO. That's facts.

      But relationships are NOT ALL that I am focusing on. I am focusing on me. And this time of honest reflection has done wonders for me. I am better. I have no viral load at the moment and am going to give myself three months to retest again at the same sight I tested before just as Dr. Sebi did with his clients.

      My point is this, there's no way to truly get over something without honestly going through it. Relationships are important. No one helped me with donating even ONE DOLLAR to my GoFundME account to help pay for my treatment. NO ONE! Not even one person. I gave all of my experience for free. I even wanted to use donations to provide for others who couldn't afford the treatment now that I am okay. But I am over that. I just want to move on in peace at this point. I hope all that I have written has helped as many people as I could. But I put my life on the line by writing this blog, and right now, I just want some peace.

      I wish you all the best.

      Peace and love,

      -Queen Selah

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    2. hello im new around here. where can i donate dear

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    3. On the right side of the page you will see a list of dated blog entries. Click on the March tab. Under Day 110 you will see a link for the donation information.

      Peace and love,

      -Queen Selah

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  4. Don't be discouraged! Writing is therapeutic so hopefully you'll return soon. You have to fight some bad days to earn the best days of your life.

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  5. Keep going goddess

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  6. why did you delete your last post?? Is everything okay?

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  7. Great job Queen! The thing is, life is about the journey whatever that may be for each of us. Your journey brings awareness and strength to so many people with so many issues including issues like your own. Your life energy is appreciated and needed by so mamy that don't have the strength that you do, you empower us. Loving yourself is the best thing you can do and if you focus on that it empowers others. When you expect affirmation of love outside of yourself you will experience disappointment more than anything else. You have what it takes, we know that....you need to know it also. Many blessings moving forward!

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    1. Thank you so much. Your words were heartfelt. I needed to hear that.


      Peace and Love,

      -Queen Selah

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  8. Please help me for the sake of my son... I feel so weak
    I am unable to care for him. I can't even establish our bond. I am losing myself. I am losing him... I don't want to lose my son. Please help me!
    Help.d@yahoo.com

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    1. Wow! I know the feeling. I felt that way when I first found out. How can I help? Stay strong. Stay focused. Even if you can't afford to buy the products right now to cure the disease, just always keep in mind that this thing is definitely manageable. Maintaining your mental health is what is important first and foremost.

      How can I help?

      -Queen Selah

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  9. Remarkable & wonderful testimony! I am so grateful you shared. I hope you know that you have inspired many. You're a walking, breathing testimony. You won!! Take solace in that and continue to live, love and build. I pray, you continue to walk in your deliverance. Peace be unto you sister...

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    1. Thank you so much. Those words mean the world to me. I am humbled.

      Peace & Love,

      Queen Selah

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  10. Xoxoxoxo Queen i got the same results��

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  11. Is it weird that your readers care so much for you? Do you feel the love? Family is not always blood.

    FLJ

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    1. I definitely feel the love. That's why I came back to writing. I told my brothers and sisters that they are not my family. They are merely relatives. And there's a difference. I don't know why my readers care about me so much. I'm just glad that they do.

      It was odd at first because I'm not used to anyone caring about me. But eventually, I learned to embrace it.

      -Queen Selah

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  12. You should really be proud of yourself! You persevered through some very rocky terrain and mapped a route for others to follow. You will have fans for as long time. I finally finished reading...Healing time now (time to mend that heart) so that you can enjoy life to the fullest.

    FLJ

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    1. Honestly, this is the main reason that I can't wait for someone else to come back on here I inform me that they have been healed. That's when I will be following them because I want to know how others deal with the aftermath of being cured. How do they move on and approach life from that point forward? I was emotionally and psychologically damaged by the disease and broken heart. Right now, I am what you call a "Functional Depressive." At least four times a week, I want to give up. People always talk to me about who I love and what I love but I am learning to stay quiet. They don't understand. They are just talking out of the side of their necks. I don't trust my love anymore. Why? Because I love everyone. Love has landed me in some shitty situations. So, I now know that just because I love someone doesn't mean they deserve to be loved (at least not by me). So what is life even worth without love???

      The healing may never come...

      -Queen Selah

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  13. It will get better; you have to TRY to remain positive! I say "try" because I have had deal with a situation that caused me to have bouts of anxiety and become depressed. I know how hard it is to stay positive when you are going through something. My mom and I would talk about the situation so much...she constantly called to check on me and told me she loved me a lot. It was very cathartic for me because I had issues with things from my childhood, but that situation renewed and increased my love for her. We (your loyal readers) are gonna shower you with love to help pull you through this. I do not want a thing from you in return; just want you to get better so you can be 100% for you and your little man.

    FLJ

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  14. I am on the verge of tears as i finished reading this i pray god gives you comfort and strength in these hard times. You are loved. May god bless everything you put your hands to. Sending positivity and love. God bless you x

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