Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Day 138 - Tuesday, April 5, 2016

"When your heart speaks, take good notes."
-Joseph Campbel

Today I had my normal regimen of treatment. I am almost out of everything but I am still holding on. I had the Bromide Plus shake and my Genvoya.

I am still following the guide and only had an apple and a pear to eat today. I skipped the gym today because my heart was weary and I didn't want to lose too much weight. I had been overdoing it lately. I just laid in bed and wished I could fall asleep.

I fell asleep when Anthony was at my house the other day. I mean, like, I just dropped completely asleep instantly. It scares me how comfortable I was around him. He was talking and I just fell fast asleep. I don't think I was out long. But it caught me off guard that I even did that. Life is crazy and I am afraid of where it's going to end up for me.

I rested in bed the majority of the day and played a few games of UNO (cards) with my son. He genuinely enjoyed that and I love to see him smile.

Someone from my high school shared a picture of me from my high school prom on Facebook. I had designed my own dress and had it tailor made. I was so beautiful. As I looked at the picture all I could think about was how pure I was before I was tainted. I told you I always view life in two sections. Before and after I contracted this disease.

Hopefully, soon enough, I will be able to say before and after I cured this disease. If I could just hold my heart together I know I can do it.

But can I? Can I hold my heart together???

You know what? People always talk about having family as support. But truth is, there is no relationship stronger than that of a spouse. Well, maybe that of a parent and child. But that doesn't count in my case. I have no parents. And a person may be quick to say I have siblings. But in all honesty, siblings can love you to death but they will spend most of their time trying to perfect their romantic relationships with their spouses. Friends will do the same as well. Why? Because, for the most part, they live together and are viewed as the family they CHOSE. Not one they were born with. Romantic relationships are the most intimate and fulfilling.

How could I love the one who hurt me? Because I have been doing it my entire life. It's called family...

Image result for teary eyed crying hurt pain

There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought that if I loved someone, and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then...it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This, it can go on forever.


7 comments:

  1. Keep pushing queen.Keep praying queen. Keep updating queen.

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  2. You will be ok xoxoxoxo

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  3. Call me xoxoxoxo

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  4. Alone? You're not alone. You have your son with you. There's so many single moms around the world and you're thinking about being alone? You're wrong. You have to be strong for your son and yourself. It doesn't matter other people.

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  5. Hi

    I have found your story very inspiring, as I am going through a similar situation.
    I have been following your story for a while,and have only now gained the confidence to comment.

    I was wondering if we could email on your experience with the dr sebi products, as I am in the uk. Please feel free to contact me jaymills993@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete