Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Day 137 - Monday, April 4, 2016

Image result for gym
"Once you see results it becomes an addiction."

I am truly becoming a gym junkie. Whatever I am feeling or lacking or dealing with, I leave it all in the gym. Blood sweat and tears. I have worked out everyday for almost a week straight. I am proud of myself.

After the gym, I laid in bed and ate some green leaf lettuce for dinner. Nothing with it. Plain lettuce.

I took my treatment today with the same additions as yesterday. I am still drinking the Bromide and my appetite is not that bad.

I had an anxiety attack or nervous breakdown tonight. All of my emotions are weighing down on me heavy tonight. I feel as if the scab had been ripped off of an almost healed wound. Now all of the memories were coming back. The good ones. And those are the ones that hurt the most. I had just about shut them out. But after seeing him, they were all coming back. I just want it to stop. It's killing me. I almost had a decent, picture perfect, happy family life, but now the chances of that ever happening are next to impossible. Why? Because I am damaged in more ways than one.

I cried so hard that I couldn't breathe. I reached for my neck as I gasped for air unsuccessfully and fell off of the bed and onto the floor. I hit my head against the wall on my way down and I just laid there. And I cried. And I cried. And I cried until I realized it wasn't going to let up.

I needed help. All of my friends and family that started this thing out with me has made me feel bad on more than one occasion. When I take time to myself to heal they get angry with me. I can't take that. I called my co-worker (Kim). But Kim didn't answer. It was around ten at night. Then I called a friend of mine that I met on Facebook who has cancer. We are pretty close but I don't know why I called him. But he answered.

As soon as I heard his voice I burst into tears. He couldn't even understand what I was saying. He just kept telling me to breathe. As I tried to catch my breath he said, "It's okay queen. You cracked today, didn't you?" And I sobbed even harder because I knew he understood.

I am tired and I am losing my mind  slowly...

I need a photoshoot badly.


  1. Ive done the exact thing Queen call me im here # xoxoxoxo love u

  2. This blog is a must read for anyone who has a loved dealing with HIV. I think it will address the emotional toll that an individual goes through, and allow people to get past the judgement. It's easy to be nonchalant and indifferent when you are ignorant on a subject.


    1. Exactly! Very good point about the ignorance. I was once ignorant concerning this issue.

      -Queen Selah