Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Day 136 - Sunday, April 3, 2015
I have been haunted by Anthony's apology. Yes, I felt free initially, but now I am confused. Where do I go from here? What do I do? Who the fuck am I anyway? I think I am losing my mind. This whole thing has taken a toll on me. Sometimes I can't even string together one coherent sentence. I feel as if I am semi-braindead. I am not joking about any of this. Then I think I need someone to take care of me and help me through this. Then I say, why not Anthony? He caused all of this anyway.
Why not Anthony? Damn...because I still love him. I think that's what I realized today. After all of this bullshit and I still love him. I feel stupid. I feel weak. I feel as if I MUST BE crazy! But I feel honest with myself and that gives me a small sense of peace. Anthony keeps bringing up my family and saying that he misses them and wants to go see them and have their forgiveness. But I definitely am losing my mind one day at a time. It won't be long before I finally snap and become a shell of a woman who was once a strong, courageous queen.
I don't study history or anything like that anymore. I am just trying to make it through this lifetime in one piece and in peace. I am utterly spiritually and emotionally deflated.
I had apples and Bromide Plus all day. I took my treatments and added the olive leaf and oregano oil to the mix.
Anthony showed up again but with food today. So, I had to be around all sorts of temptations. Barbecued ribs, oxtails from my favorite Jamaican restaurant and the presence of the two-faced man I once loved. Strangely enough, the food was no temptation.
Anthony put his arm around me and told me he would kill for me and that I needed to know that.
Okay, I can't keep communicating with him. This type of crap is screwing with my emotions. I have to pull back. I got the apology I needed. I am so confused and losing my damn mind.