Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Day 135 - Saturday, April 2, 2016

"Everything is everything. What is meant to be will be. After winter must come spring; change it comes eventually."
-Lauryn Hill

I finally got the apology I have been hurting for. Yes, Anthony finally apologized to my son and I. I didn't push him to get into details once he began apologizing because I didn't want him to say anything to make me angry or emotional. I just wanted to take in what he was saying as he was saying it. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I feel free! In that very moment, I was glad that I write everything as it happens. So it can be seen the way life manifests itself. After he apologized to us my son began updating him on how well he has been doing in school and sports. I was a bit uncomfortable at the fact that the interaction became so comfortable so quickly. Hmm..

The first thing Anthony said to me is that he misses my family and he thinks about them all the time. He said he wanted to call my brother several times and that he wants to go see them. He said but all of that is messed up now. He said he feels like he lost them. I was still quiet because I was in shock. I didn't know what to say. I was just standing there like, "is he serious right now?"

I had so many mixed emotions within those few statements. I felt weak and free/relieved at the same time. While he was talking I looked at his hand and noticed that he still had his wedding band on. I took mine off the day all of this started. I had to force myself to do it because that ring had become a large part of who I was. I looked into his eyes as he spoke, looking at his face from every angle I could without moving my feet. It's crazy because even with all that I have seen, standing here with him in front of me in the flesh, I still just can't believe that he is gay. It is utterly unbelievable! The world is such a hoax. A fine deceitful hoax. This man is a dick sucker but my eyes could not process that. All I saw before me was the man I once loved. The man that was a large part of my family unit. The man who always went out of his way to protect and provide for me. But thank God my mind is stronger than my eyes. The brother is lost. And because of him, now, so am I...

He went on to tell me that he loved me throughout the entire time he was away and all the drama we went through following our separation. He said he loved me through it all and he never stopped thinking about me. He said he wanted his family back. He said no matter what he did, I was always tied to it. I don't know what that last part meant but I didn't question it. I didn't question anything he said. Because if I would have asked the questions I really wanted to know, I don't think I could have handled the answers.

But it felt refreshing to finally receive an apology from someone who has hurt me deeply. I am finally free. Now I can go on with my life. My mom or anyone else did not think enough of me to say sorry. But he did. Thank you Lord. I mean something to someONE...

He asked me to forgive him and I just slowly nodded my head. It felt like an out of body experience. He smiled and told me he still loves me and will always love me.

"Tears are words the heart can't say..."

Wow! What a freaking day?! My heart is healed. Now let's heal this disease!

Image result for freedom

I have been 100% disciplined this month. Today I took all of my treatments. I put the Lily of the Valley powder in with my Bromide drink. I hate taking the Lily of the Valley powder. Its preparation is so inconvenient. I am glad I thought of this. It is much easier. I made the smoothie with a green pear today and I ate another pear for lunch.


  1. So glad you can breathe now that you have your apology.


    1. Ugh! You have noooo idea how much that meant to me. I needed that.

      -Queen Selah

  2. I can tell that you did just by reading about how your body reacted.