|"Writing is the painting of the voice."|
Friday, April 1, 2016
Day 133 - Thursday, March 31, 2016
I WILL RISE UP...
Today was one of those days. You know, when you finally wake up and realize who's life it is. Who your life belongs to after giving it to others and getting hurt the way I did. My belongs to me. No more living for others. And if that hurts them then they never really loved me in the first place. A person who is against me living my life for me does NOT care about me. Period.
I had a salad for lunch today. The same as the other days, except I left out the watercress and strawberries. I added jalapeno peppers though. I love them. I used to eat them with fried chicken. Every time I bit the chicken I would bite the pepper and chew them together. I miss that, but I have to get better. Discipline.
Remember my friend that I used to let come to my house? Well, I was right about him! My third eye doesn't miss. He is an absolute lunatic. I had to tell him off today. I texted to check on him because the other day he said he was feeling suicidal and we got into a misunderstanding then. So, I gave it a few days to cool down. Then I checked on him today to see how he was feeling. And once again, he blew up one me. But he took it to the extreme today. I guess whatever he was going through plus the sexual frustration of dealing with me pushed him over the edge. He called me a bitch several times and said I was a lonely, judgmental bitter bitch who needs a companion. All because I was asking him questions about what was bothering him. We were communicating via text and he thought I was being sarcastic so he showed his true colors. Then he went on to say that's why the men I date are gay.
I couldn't do anything but laugh at his futile attempts to hurt me. I am the type of person that if I don't love you or have feelings for you there is absolutely NO WAY that your words can hurt me. Well, let me just say that I left my peaceful state momentarily and handed him his ass. I told him off from A to Z stating nothing but facts. It was so bad that he deactivated his FaceBook account immediately following our encounter. I know this because I screenshot every last one of our messages and posted them and tried to tag him. I don't take to disrespect to lightly.
But it felt kind of good to unleash on someone. I have a lot of pent up anger and he just was the lucky creep to cash in on it. This was one of those moments where I was happy to be the way I am. Super guarded. Just imagine what would have been said had I disclosed my health status to him at any point. Sheesh! I would have had to kill him. Lol. But I usually live out loud. I don't hide too much of anything about myself. Everyone knows the man I was in love with was gay. Why? Because I told them. I am a very difficult person to shame.
But this whole occurrence just confirmed for me that I need to continue to stay in isolation. People are just the worst.
I took my last Genvoya pill today. The bottle is empty. I went back and forth in my mind as to whether or not I should continue taking them. Through teary eyes I submitted a refill to the pharmacy. I feel so bad every time I take those pills because I know they are damaging my body but I did say I was going to continue to take them until my next appointment.