Friday, April 1, 2016

Day 132 - Wednesday, March 30, 2016

"Emotionally: I'm in pain.
Mentally: I'm depressed.
Spiritually: I'm stressed.
Physically: I smile."
-Isabel


I have been thinking about Anthony a lot lately. Why now? I honestly couldn't tell you. Maybe it's because I have been in isolation-study-meditation mode so long that I am starting to desire familiarity. I am just about even keel at this point in my life. But I have my low moments where I am looking for a hand to hold but every hand felt cold to me. But his hand was NEVER cold. It was gay...

Lol. I have to laugh because that sounded funny. But there's nothing about the way I feel. I could never be with a gay man KNOWINGLY, but aside from our relationship, he was my best friend. And I could use one right now. I have taken care of others for a long time. I need to be taken care of for a little while so I can heal both mentally and physically.

But I'm confused about my feelings. I  haven't thought about him in this light in a long time. I mean, I always think about him. Everyday. Because he is the reason I have this disease. He will forever be tied into my life until I rid myself of this disease.

Maybe I am NOT confused. Maybe I subconsciously fear what others would think if I expressed the desire to have Anthony around. Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe I am just feeling this way because I saw him the other day. Maybe I actually do miss having him around to take care of me and protect me. Who knows at this point? All I know is that I am confused. This too shall pass.

I haven't really had any positive feelings towards him up until now. It has always been anger. I can't identify what I feel for him right now, but it's not that. Ugh! I hate feeling like this.

But I have reason to. Who cares if others won't understand it. They are not me. Do I still love him? I don't know and I don't want to think about it. Did he do something that really hurt me? Yes! But who hasn't hurt me?! The scars and wounds they left are just beneath the surface. They are emotional. Some started as physical and has become mental. So I have the right to feel however I like. My feelings belong to me.

But most of all, Anthony took care of me. He didn't have more than me but he gave more than I did. I have no doubt in my mind if we found out I was HIV positive while we were together, and he was negative and had never been with a man, he loved me so much that he would stay and take care of me. I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt. But he did it and he's too ashamed about being outed as a homosexual that he doesn't want to face me or my family again. Such is life.

I will fight this fight alone and I will win. I just wish I could stop thinking about him this way. Or any way for that matter. I wish I could erase the part of my brain which contains memories of him. He was my safe place and it hurts. He did something amazing to me. My life has been rough since I left the womb, being used, raped, and physically abused for as far back as I can remember. Stealing for my mother and committing fraud because she made me. Being my brothers' humping post. Paying my older brother's college tuition from stolen money because my mother forced me to. The same brother who began raping me when I was only five years old. My mom is a piece of shit and I make no excuses for her. I don't believe in that honor thy mother foolishness. Everyone is not worthy. Look at me now. Yes! I am angry. I have the right to be. Yet, everyone expects me to forgive her and be the bigger person. Forgive my brothers and be the bigger person. Fuck them and fuck that! I am the smaller person. I am younger than everyone of those people who were supposed to be responsible for leading and guiding me the right way. But I am expected to be the bigger person. However, I am not allowed to forgive Anthony in their eyes. Fuck them. Fuck life. Fuck society.

I will move at my own pace. I am crying right now because I am hurting so deeply and I trust no one to get near me. They've all let me down even when I expected nothing from them. They hurt me and made me feel as if I was not good enough. As if something was wrong with me. But never Anthony. They've made me accustomed to being hurt and looking right past it. They did that to me. Not him. He just came on the scene. There is no reason I should be so easy to forgive a gay man for infecting me with HIV. But I do. Why? Because he gave me something no one else ever did...love.  He gave me a chance to finally be a child because he was always right there to protect or encourage me. Homosexuality is stealing all of our black men...


My neighbor is stalking me and I am getting pretty fed up of his shit. I saw him outside when I was pulling up from work and I didn't want to be bothered with him coming across the street to talk to me so I pulled right back out and left. This man ran to his car and began following me up and down every street. No matter where I turned. If I sped up. He sped up. What the hell is his problem? I am not interested and I made that crystal clear! Now if I curse his ass out I will be labeled the "angry black woman" or a "bitter bitch." But that's okay. I have been called that already. Mainly by my family.

Okay, I talk about my best friend at work a lot. I am tired of typing all of that so it's time to give her a name. Let's call her Kim. So Kim called me this evening and was giving me another one of her "let's get deep" talks. She began to tell me how she admires that I don't take any shit. I told her it's a blessing and a curse because being this way doesn't allow anyone to get close to me because almost everyone has a level of "shit" they try to project on to others. 

Then Kim went on to begin talking about Anthony. Anthony and Kim had a really cool relationship when we were together. They got along well. Kim told me that she thinks he and I are meant to be together because we keep crossing paths. She said he moved from another city just to be with me and he was constantly changing his life for me. (True) She said he genuinely loves my son and I because you could see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice when he speaks of us. (True) While she was talking I kept telling her to shut up because I was in public and she was making me cry. I did not want to have this discussion. She apologized and continued with the discussion anyway. She said this needs to be said. It's time.

Kim went on to say that she doesn't know what happened that led him to be that way (gay) but people change. I cried out. I don't want to hear that. I don't want hope for us. I don't want to believe in reconciliation. I don't want to feel or think. I want to be numb. She doesn't know he made me sick.

She finally changed the subject. We began talking about school and I cried again. Her daughter was just accepted to the University that I attended when I finished high school. We were discussing that and I broke down because I remember how hard it was for me. I kept trying to explain to her why her daughter would be fine and why she shouldn't worry because she has her, her dad, aunts, uncles and grandparents within a few hours drive. But that made me think about how I had no one. No one helped me. I got in with a scholarship and didn't know the first thing to do. I should write a damn book. My two older brothers went to college before me. Years before me and offered me no help. I didn't need money. I needed guidance. No one told me that college advisers existed or what they were for. No one told me what classes I should take. No one told me anything. So all I did was show up to class every day.

That was until I came down with severe depression and wouldn't get off of my friend's couch for days at a time. I dropped an entire semester due to depression alone. But I had to pull myself together because the cavalry was not coming. And in the end, I persevered.

Strangely enough, Anthony text me right before I got off of the phone with Kim. I just wanted die right there. I felt sick to the stomach. What the hell is going on in the universe? What is this?

Less than an hour later, the mother of his child called me out of the blue. She was asking me for Anthony's social security number and place of employment because she wanted to finally put him on child support. Their daughter is almost five years old and he doesn't d anything for her or see her. He rarely talks to the mother of his child either. When we were together I worked hard to form a friendship with her even though he advised against it. In the end, it worked out in our favor because all I wanted was to be able to pick up the child so that she could spend time with Anthony. Anthony was a great father to my son so I thought it was only right that he gives his daughter some of that love and attention too. Anthony always bought things for my son when he got his report card and good grades. He picked him up from school when I had to work late and dropped him off when I had to work early. And his daughter is so pretty. So little by little he became better for her. He began seeing her more. I was still the one to go pick her up from her mother's house, but he still gave her a lot of attention and we took her out with us often. I gave her all the information she asked for and she told me that her daughter had been asking for me. That broke my heart. She was the only daughter I had ever had. I love her but I can't allow myself to get attached anymore.

Image result for karate sensei

Cuddle Bug's sensei was late to class today so he decided to get the class started. I was so proud. He led the stretch and then went over the forms until the sensei arrived and told him he was a leader for taking initiative. He is not even the highest ranked belt in his class but he was leading them.

When we got home, I snacked on Kamut Puffs cereal with walnut milk. My son asked if he could taste it. He usually eats them dry but he liked it. So he went into the kitchen and made his own walnut milk in the NutriBullet and had his own bowl of cereal. I am so proud of my little eight year old prince.


The first part of doing what's best for you is figuring out exactly what that is...
-Queen Selah

4 comments:

  1. Xoxoxoxo Sigh, moment of silence. Im going to get real with you for a minute, and ask you not to hate me for what I am about to say but I promise to all ways be true to you. 1. Pick your head up off the ground. 2. If he loved you he would have told you he was a Fucking Faggot I'm sorry I'm just pissed off because I have been victimized by a closet faggot. 3. You feel alone and isolated this is the reason for your mixed feelings and emotions.4 And HELL NO U CANT START IT UP AGAIN YOU WILL GO DOWN A ROAD OF SELF DESTRUCTION. THERE IS DIFFERENT LEVELS OF HIV AND WHO KNOW WHAT STATUS HIS LOVER HAS. 5. U HAVE A SON A BIGGER PERSON TO LOVE ON. GRAB HIM AND HOLD ON QUEEN. DONT SKIP BACK INTO LUSTFUL DARKNESS. I AM HERE FOR YOU. WE WALKING HAND IN HAND. I TOO CLOSE MEN OUT. ALLOW YOURSELF TIME 2 FORGIVE YOURSELF 1ST.THEN FORGIVE HIM AND ALL WHO HAVE WRONGED YOU. QUEEN GOD IS ALMIGHTY HE WILL GIVE YOU THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART AS YOU WALK AND TALK TO HIM AND SERVE HIM. NO MAN CAN GIVE US WhAT THE ALMIGHTY FATHER CAN. CAST ALL YOUR BURDENS AND FEARS ON THE LORD.I LOVE YOU BEAUTY. I KNOW HOW U FEEL ITS APRIL. LMAO I THOUGHT THIS WAS A JOKE BUT DAMN U POSTED THIS BEFORE APRILS FOOLS DAY LOL. IK SORRY IM YELLING AT YOU IT WE NEED IT SOMETIMES HIT ME BACK MUCH LOVE QUEEN. XOXOXOXO

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    1. Lol. This made me smile. I laughed at the fact that you even considered that I would hate you for being straight forward with me. Nope. That will never happen. And you're absolutely right about the feeling alone and isolated part. I know they were just momentary feelings, plus my cycle is about to start so I'm extra emotional. I was just sorting through my feelings as they come. I like to be brutally honest with myself and allow myself to feel everything in its entirety so I won't have to revisit it in the future. I'm NOT considering getting back with him by no means! I'm a Queen and so is he. It can't work that way. 😂 I was just thinking out loud so my readers can see the actual turmoil and confusion caused by being victimized by a down low faggot. I have quite a few gay readers so I think it's important that they see what this puts women through. Once I write or express myself, I usually feel better. It's out of me now. You're still my sister. No love lost. But much respect gained.

      -Selah

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  2. Xoxoxoxo glad you smiling sis much love

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