|"Emotionally: I'm in pain.|
Mentally: I'm depressed.
Spiritually: I'm stressed.
Physically: I smile."
Maybe I am NOT confused. Maybe I subconsciously fear what others would think if I expressed the desire to have Anthony around. Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe I am just feeling this way because I saw him the other day. Maybe I actually do miss having him around to take care of me and protect me. Who knows at this point? All I know is that I am confused. This too shall pass.
I haven't really had any positive feelings towards him up until now. It has always been anger. I can't identify what I feel for him right now, but it's not that. Ugh! I hate feeling like this.
But I have reason to. Who cares if others won't understand it. They are not me. Do I still love him? I don't know and I don't want to think about it. Did he do something that really hurt me? Yes! But who hasn't hurt me?! The scars and wounds they left are just beneath the surface. They are emotional. Some started as physical and has become mental. So I have the right to feel however I like. My feelings belong to me.
But most of all, Anthony took care of me. He didn't have more than me but he gave more than I did. I have no doubt in my mind if we found out I was HIV positive while we were together, and he was negative and had never been with a man, he loved me so much that he would stay and take care of me. I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt. But he did it and he's too ashamed about being outed as a homosexual that he doesn't want to face me or my family again. Such is life.
I will fight this fight alone and I will win. I just wish I could stop thinking about him this way. Or any way for that matter. I wish I could erase the part of my brain which contains memories of him. He was my safe place and it hurts. He did something amazing to me. My life has been rough since I left the womb, being used, raped, and physically abused for as far back as I can remember. Stealing for my mother and committing fraud because she made me. Being my brothers' humping post. Paying my older brother's college tuition from stolen money because my mother forced me to. The same brother who began raping me when I was only five years old. My mom is a piece of shit and I make no excuses for her. I don't believe in that honor thy mother foolishness. Everyone is not worthy. Look at me now. Yes! I am angry. I have the right to be. Yet, everyone expects me to forgive her and be the bigger person. Forgive my brothers and be the bigger person. Fuck them and fuck that! I am the smaller person. I am younger than everyone of those people who were supposed to be responsible for leading and guiding me the right way. But I am expected to be the bigger person. However, I am not allowed to forgive Anthony in their eyes. Fuck them. Fuck life. Fuck society.
I will move at my own pace. I am crying right now because I am hurting so deeply and I trust no one to get near me. They've all let me down even when I expected nothing from them. They hurt me and made me feel as if I was not good enough. As if something was wrong with me. But never Anthony. They've made me accustomed to being hurt and looking right past it. They did that to me. Not him. He just came on the scene. There is no reason I should be so easy to forgive a gay man for infecting me with HIV. But I do. Why? Because he gave me something no one else ever did...love. He gave me a chance to finally be a child because he was always right there to protect or encourage me. Homosexuality is stealing all of our black men...