Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Day 131 - Tuesday, March 29, 2016

"If a story is in you, it has to come out."
-William Faulkner

Today's lunch salad included green leaf lettuce, romaine lettuce, watercress, green olives, dates and strawberries. The watercress ruined my salad. It was horrible. I am glad I didn't put a lot in. It was spicy, bitter, and made my left nostril whistle. Once I finish this bag of watercress, I will not be buying another one.

I want to talk to my doctor about my concerns but she doesn't speak good English at all. Sometimes I hate this city because of that. It's like no one speaks any damn English and we are required to learn Spanish to get a job and function day to day around here. I may have to go back to my other specialist for a visit just to ask questions, but I don't know if I can afford to sacrifice that $40 copay that day. I hate the fact that doctors always seem to be in a rush.

At my next appointment, I am going to stop my doctor in her tracks and make her talk to me and give me the time I need concerning my disease. The length of the discussion will depend on how poor her English is that day.

I engulfed myself in my work today. I didn't want to think about anything today. I didn't want to worry about my condition today. I didn't want to feel the heartache today. I didn't want to worry about finances today. I just wanted to work. And to show my boss that I am not taking advantage of him. He has no idea that I am seriously emotionally disturbed.

People "in my life" keep complaining about me not talking but guess what? I am not ready. Simple. I can't put anyone else's feelings before my pain. I'm not blaming anyone for anything but I am focusing on getting better at the moment and nothing else matters anymore. I can't afford to let anyone else matter right now. I am not ready to open up. I am damaged.

I am officially out of Chelation 1, Banju, and Iron Plus tonic. I will be using olive leaf and oregano oil intermittently since I can not afford another package at the moment. I don't want to use them too much though because I am trying to follow Dr. Sebi's method as much as possible.

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HONEST MOMENT

I am scared. I do believe in Dr. Sebi. I do believe the ARV drugs weaken your immune system. However, I know I have to go fully natural before it's too late because taking medicine for the rest of my life is unreasonable for my type of unstable life. What if I lose my job or no longer have medical insurance? My medication costs $3,000 per month without coverage. And if I can't afford it I will surely die because I allowed the ARV drugs to deplete my immune system.
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CONCERNING FRIENDS

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I am NOT okay! And I am NOT comfortable with saying that. I don't want to have to pretend. So, I continue to keep people at a distance who make me feel as if I should.

I read that it takes 3 months to cure AIDS at the USHA village and a little longer if you do it yourself and follow the guide. So, I guess I have to be a little more patient and start over when I am consistently following the Nutritional Guide and have three months worth of D. Sebi's package on hand. It seems almost impossible to afford that but I have conquered so much more in my lifetime so I won't give up.

My coworker bought me some crotchless lingerie. It was so nice. She told me to try it on and she came in the bathroom to see it. I grew up in a house with three older brothers. So I'm not used to this whole girly B.S. of getting dressed in front of each other. Then she called my bestie to come see. They said I look like a model in it. I smiled and then took it off. The girl who bought it for me doesn't know that I'm not with Anthony anymore. Almost everyone at work knew that Anthony had a very hot sex life (daily). But not anymore. I won't be using that lingerie but it was beautiful nonetheless.

I still can't sleep at night. I go to sleep after 2 in the morning almost every night and have to be up by 6:30am. And sleep is very important in healing. That's how I know the ARV drugs are not good for long term use. They keep me up. How can I get better like that without taking another drug and its side effects. I can't do this for much longer.

I ate a lot of soursop when I got off of work today. It was so delicious. And I saved the seeds to plant this weekend. Yes, I will be growing my own food soon.


CONTINUOUS HEARTACHE...

I saw Anthony today. I went somewhere on my break today and there he was in the flesh. Our eyes met for a moment and I immediately looked away. I felt weak. I felt as if my legs were about to give out beneath me. He spoke and I couldn't find my voice. I just directed all my energy on moving one foot after the other to get back to my car. I could see him watching my walk away in my peripheral vision. He never turned away once. I'm glad I was looking so good and not how I am actually feeling. I don't want him to know the affect he's actually had on my life. Damn...

I'm hurting...

6 comments:

  1. Xoxoxoxo I've been crying alot lately I feel your pain Queen. IF I COULD HEAL YOU WOULD BE THE 1ST ONE ON MY LIST. I KEEP PRAYING GOD HEres us. LOVE YOU SISSY

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    1. I love you too. What's been making you cry queen? I'm here for you.

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  2. The fact that so msny are affected by this horrible shit.

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    1. I cry because they hide all of the things that will make us feel better. And promote all that's bad in order to keep us misled and confused. Smh

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    2. please help, I left previous messages... Help.d@yahoo.com

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    3. What do you need help with?

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