Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Day 130 - Monday, March 28, 2016

"If I waited 'til I felt like writing, I'd never write at all."
-Anne Tyler

I got up for work and added the olive leaf and oregano oil extracts to my treatment this morning. For lunch, I had a salad that I prepared at home. I contained green leaf lettuce, romaine lettuce, green olives (yum), chopped dates and strawberries. It was delicious! I also snacked on a pear as well.

After work, I went to the gym. This was my workout song for the day:

This song always does something to me. I used to sing it when I was with Anthony all the time. But this time it had me pumped up in the gym. It served a different purpose. The purpose of release. I ran so hard on the treadmill that I broke out in tears and shouted. I am definitely pushing myself. I didn't care if anyone heard me yell. I needed to release. And I kept on running. They turned back around and continued their own workouts. I felt great afterwards.

After the treadmill. I placed a yoga ball next to a table and helped my son with his homework while I did sit ups and crunches on the ball.

After the gym, we went grocery shopping. I wanted to buy a fruit basket and pick up mostly green items and foods with iron and phosphates because that's what cures AIDS. While I was in the store, I noticed a guy watching me every now and then but I didn't pay it too much attention. I don't have any enemies that I know of.

When I got in my car and made it down the street, a white car was trying to catch up to me and was blowing its horn. I slowed down and let my window down. The passenger opened her door so I could see the driver. It was the guy from the store. He was smiling really hard. He seemed very happy to see me. Then he asked me where is Duke and are we still together? I made a face because I didn't know what he was talking about. Then he said, "my nephew, Duke. Are you and him still together? How is he doing?" 

That's when I remembered that "Duke" is Anthony's nick name and this was the uncle we went to see a few times together. Anthony was always bragging to him and telling him that I am his wife and I am his queen. Damn. So, I just said the first thing that came to mind because we were holding up traffic. "He's gay!"
He stopped smiling immediately and said, "Oh...okay." I put my window back up and drove off. My son took my hand into his and rubbed it. I looked at him and was overcome with sadness. Anthony's family WAS my family.

I wear my pain everywhere I go and in everything I do. That's not something you can turn off. Some days I am better at hiding it than others. But for the most part, I just rather be alone with my pain where I don't have to pretend. I have the right. It's called defense. It prevents me from talking to people who may have the power or intentions to hurt me. I am hurting deeply. I am in excruciating pain on a daily basis. I am broken to the point that I am handicapped.

My neighbor called me non-stop while I was at work today. I didn't want to answer it but it began to annoy my bestie at work. She told me to just pick it up so he will stop calling. When I answered it sounded like he put me on speaker phone. He began calling me sweet names like boo, and poo-poo, sweetheart and all types of crap that I felt were out of line. 

I cut him off and asked him what he wants? He said he was calling me all day to let me know that work was slow today so he took out my trash and put it near the street to be picked up in the morning. I said thank you but I could have done that myself. I said is that really what you were blowing up my phone all day at work to tell me. And he said yes.

I was truly annoyed at this point. Then he hit me with the now I have to let him take me out to dinner or send him a picture of my "lovely" self. I reminded him that I am everything BUT lovely. Then he began giving me a million different reasons why he thinks I am beautiful. I cut the conversation short and told him I had to get back to work. I knew better than to answer his call. That's why I didn't want him to have my number in the first place.

I can't wait for my doctor's appointment.

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