Saturday, March 26, 2016

Day 127 - Friday, March 25, 2016

"I was a young woman with an evolved mind who was not afraid of her beauty or sexuality. For some people that's uncomfortable. They didn't understand how female and strong work together. Or young and wise. Or black and divine."
-Lauryn Hill

I made my way to work this morning without taking my treatment. I'm just not feeling it today. And plus, I have to make what I have left last. When I got to work, the place was almost empty. A lot of people took off for Good Friday. My boss told me I could leave whenever I want, but I ended up staying late so I could catch up on some work for him. I wanted to show him that I don't take advantage of him and I usually come in late because I a m legitimately sick.

But it never fails, as soon as I walked in the door Pam cornered me in her office, pretty much telling me that I need to stop talking to Phylicia. I'd had enough at that point. Phylicia and my son has a great bond and I refuse to let anyone tell me who I shouldn't talk to because if it comes down to it, they will be the one who gets cut off. At this point, I let her have it and showed her my other side. I told her how nasty and selfish she was and the fact that she was out of line for trying to tell me what to do. I reminded her that she has flaws too and that none of us are perfect. And when I was finish giving it to her, the last thing I had to say was, "so are we still cool or what?" Then I walked out before she could answer. I have no time for meaningless B.S. I don't operate in teams because I am an isolated type of person and no one will force me to choose. I cannot be recruited.

I decided to back off from talking to my bedtime talker friend for a while. I can't explain why. Something just told me to. I stopped responding to him around 5 pm yesterday and he hasn't stopped blowing up my phone and my Messenger ever since. He's crying and leaving messages saying that he's hurting really deeply and stuff. I don't understand why because we've only been communicating for less than a week and I am NOT his girlfriend. We don't even live in the same state. I'm glad I backed off. This is definitely a red flag. I'm not saying he's crazy. I'm just saying that it's questionable. 


Testing is not prevention. Testing is diagnostic. The proper use of condoms or abstinence is prevention. I am realizing that as long as that is taken care of, it doesn't matter if you're the biggest whore in the world, you will be safe.

I always get tested often. Two and three times a year. In spite of my frequent testing, I still came back positive. The only thing testing did for me was allow me to pinpoint the person who infected me. And it's so crazy because before Anthony, I was with a guy for four years and I NEVER allowed him to have unprotected sex with me. NEVER! But with Anthony, I felt like he loved me more. He treated me so well and was very loving towards me to the point that I could feel it exuding from his being. So, I took a chance on him and boy was that ever the worst gamble of my life with my life.

But I should have known better. I was just in love. Testing is not prevention.

Image result for stress triggersI have so much suppressed stress that any little thing can trigger it. I wish there was a fast forward button that I could use to speed up to my doctor's appointment. The suspense and struggle is killing me.

Things like isolation and finances when things, such as the car accident, occurs. Those are triggers that cause me to think about things like my father. And the way my siblings are always trying to round up money to take care of him and buy him glasses or medication. I just can't do it. My father has so many children that they are in the double digits and he didn't take care of one! No, I take that back. He was there for two out of ten or more. But I can't say whether or not her or his wife took care of them.

But I think about how m brother spilled the beans about my condition and no one offered a helping hand. They just wrote me off as dead, faked a few emotions, and kept it moving. Do I hold it against them? No. Not at all. Just don't expect me to ever chip in on anything for our father. He's super cool and everything but he never raised or taken care of me. Not even a dollar or an ice cream cone. I just have to start basing all of my decisions on myself from here on out because "myself" is all I really have.

I will be presenting a lot of mind-blowing research that I just came across some time tomorrow.


  1. Love you sissy I gelt this podt 100% keep ya head up...Xoxoxoxo

  2. Isn't it funny how some men can just turn their backs on their kids; but the majority of mom's can't even with a gun to thier heads.


    1. Men are really some weak ass, self-entitled creatures. They hate responsibility and accountability and have an excuse for every thing. They are weak. Simple.

      -Queen Selah

  3. You are right; a lot of them are, but there are some good ones out there too. The pickings are slim though.