Friday, March 25, 2016

Day 125 - Wednesday, March 23, 2016

"Sex is the number one life-giver and life-taker."
-Queen Selah

I woke up this morning listening to Usher's Bad Girl as I strutted through the house with my model walk, getting ready for work. The energy felt great. I'm feeling myself.

As I walked around the house preparing myself for work, it crossed my mind at just how challenging it is to be a woman. The opposition one must face on a day to day basis. Then again, maybe it's just me. I think about all of the judgement I have faced that caused me to be the angry introvert I am today.

AS A WOMAN...

I can remember as far back as school. I am a unique individual. I rarely ever like something in its entirety. I take parts from it. For example, in school I was probably one of the only girls who wore dresses and heels every day. I played varsity basketball and volleyball and was in gifted classes since third grade. I also graduated in the top ten percent of my class and went off to one of the top state universities. 


But what did people choose to remember about me, that I allegedly dressed sexy and was "fast". The funny thing is that the only people who had that to say about me was the females. Mind you, I was allegedly "fast" or grown, but I was the one who always wore my own hair (down) almost everyday. I never wore makeup or weave. Not even nail polish. There were no guys in school who could say they slept with me or even saw me naked. The only thing I was "fast" at was finishing my work. The same females who were talking about me had multiple sex partners in school, abortions, smoking weed and cigars in the stairwells, drinking liquor during school, make up and hairdos beyond their maturity level and bad grades. I don't get it. I'm just a tom boy in a dress, not concerned with the rest.

My point is, that females and family are the worst and have always been the worst critics of women. I would suspect that the males should be the ones to call women "hoes" or "fast" or whatever else they want to say. Family also. They have always been the ones to put me down and make me feel as if I was nothing. They never took the time to get to know me and see what type of person I am. A lot of my family members have their heads stuck so far up their asses that they feel there is no need to see the entire picture. They only view the appearance of the frame it comes in.

I keep addressing my appearance because I find it to be so sad that what should be solid and lifelong relationships, are negatively affected by something as simple as physical perception. Do I dress sexy? Not really. AM I sexy? I like to think so. There is a difference. I idolize Lauryn Hill and Dru Hill, not Nicki Minaj or Lil Kim. I  have never been interested in being popular. I don't wear skin tight clothing. I wear dresses. Some dresses are an inch or two above my knees and I have very long legs so...that is sexy. I also really love long dresses that brush the top of my toes. Once again, that proves to be sexy at times because I have nice curves for the dress to drape over. Keyword "drape". They are not skin tight dresses either.

Image result for mind your own business meme

So, I don't understand the constant judgement. I guess it doesn't matter that I am smart. It doesn't matter that I don't sleep around and there are hardly any men walking this earth who even have my phone number. It doesn't matter that I feed the homeless out of my own kitchen and counsel the down and out for free on my own time. It doesn't matter that I sometimes help pay the bills of my foster parent. It doesn't matter that I work with the developmentally disabled at a group home on my free time and I sincerely love every one of them. It doesn't matter that I am independent. It doesn't matter that I take other people's children under my wing and expose them to things their parents can not afford to do. It doesn't matter that I am a great mother. It doesn't matter that I have never smoked or drank a day in my life. It doesn't matter that I don't go clubbing or hang out all times of night. Those are the ingredients of which character is made of.

No, all that matters is what they THINK I am and what they THINK I am about. It's sad and it hurts me that my own family judges me based on things they know nothing about. It's sad that my own family assumed I was "fast" in the ass and now, me contracting this disease just solidifies their accusations. My brother told me it serves me right that I caught this disease and that I had no business laying with a faggot. He's a dumb ass. However, shockingly my father has been more understanding because he said it could have very well been him. This is not a whore's disease. Because if it were, the majority of the people who claim to know me would have it instead of me. They sleep with more people than I do and do not use protection. I have not been with that many men and I barely come out of my house. It's not fair to be judged and it hurts. That's why it's so easy for me to cut people off. I only hang around out of tolerance of their foolishness. I am strong enough to handle it but I shouldn't have to.

That is why I have developed this angry, defensive attitude. Because nothing I have worked hard to accomplish on my own means anything to that of small-minded judgmental individuals. Even if they are family. The ones who are supposed to be a source of love and support. Bullshit! And then the females who are supposed to be unified because we are all sisters. They have so much to say as if they are the ones who are screwing you. Sometimes I just want to hand them a bag of their own business so they can stay the hell out of mine. Judge and be not judged. I am a great person and so many people will never have a chance to experience that because of their preconceived notions.

"Mind your own biscuits and life will be gravy."

I just needed to get that off my chest. While I was trying to find my way through life, I was being judged. Although I was sexy, I was not overly sexual. There's a difference. I just wanted to make that clear because it's not over for me yet.


TODAY

I have been driving in silence for the past few days. I use that time to meditate. Selah. It's funny the great difference it makes to be in silence. You are left alone with your thoughts in peace.

I wore a very long dress today. I got it from Target and wore it for the first time. I felt like a goddess as I floated across the room at work. It is so hard for me to find dresses long enough to hit my feet. It was lovely.

PARENTHOOD


My son and I were riding in the car when he heard this song for the first time. He held my hand and said it made him feel emotional because the song makes him think about me. He said he is going to learn this song and sing it to me. I couldn't stop smiling. I would love to see that and I'm glad he appreciates me. He hummed his way through the words as he tried to learn them.

It is my belief that parents give their children one of two things. They either give their children lessons or challenges. My mother and father gave me challenges. I am thankful for the, because they have left me no choice but to be strong and focus on survival instead of meaningless enjoyment. I have given my son lessons.


Lately, I've found myself in a constant state of reflection. Every aspect of my life revolves around before and after I contracted this disease. Before contraction represents everything that was normal. After represents everything I struggle to try to make normal. Or is based on how much time I may have left. It's a constant fight in this after period.

Even starting this blog was very frightening for me. Til this day I couldn't tell you what led me to do it. Sometimes I ask myself what the hell are you doing? What if someone discovers your identity? All that I've worked for will be out the window! But I keep writing for some strange reason. I feel like one day, I am going to wake up and decide this was a bad idea. And I am going to take this entire blog down. But only time will tell.

I have been releasing a significant amount of mucus over the past few days. I don't think I have a lot in me at all, but it's there. I tried to counteract the side effects of the medicine by taking the pill BEFORE I went to the gym. Hopefully that would block the severe fatigue which comes along with it. And it worked for the most part. The fatigue still came, but it wasn't as strong and it was postponed.

MEALS

I usually prepare dinner after the gym/karate. But today, when I got to the store, I only had eleven dollars in my bank account. I checked my balance before I made it to the register.


Here was the test of my creativity. No money. Belly hungry. Hmm.. I purchased a box of Ritz honey wheat crackers and went home and made tuna fish for dinner. It is Spring Break so I have to feed my son all meals of the day for the entire week. The tuna is going to have to hold us over until payday. So we had a garden salad for lunch earlier and now we only had enough for a tuna dinner. It wasn't bad at all though. We were both full. Hopefully, when I take the Chelation pills they will clean the tuna out.

I'm starting to resent being called strong because when people know/think you are strong they expect too much out of you and never suspect that you may need help yourself.


Selah...


1 comment:

  1. This was funny to me because I remember growing up in the South (East Coast) and hearing the words "fast" and "hot" to describe people. You are so right; family is very critical. I remember one of my aunts saying some slick things to my cousin because she chose to worship differently than we were raised. I don't understand why people wants to contribute negativity to your life and then wonder why you won't confide in them.

    FLJ

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