Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Day 124 - Tuesday, March 22, 2016

"Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing."
-Benjamin Franklin

To my friend that stayed up to talk to me until I fell asleep last night...


HOW DO I...

How do I explain
Without coming off as strange
That you satisfy my emotional side
Your words stroke my pain away

Huh?
Tell me.
How do I...

How do I express
You've caused me to accept
Not all men are the same
You want for me what is best

Huh?
Tell me.
How do I...

How do I know
You're not doing this for show
Trying to monopolize upon me
Collect my treasures. Do not pass GO

Huh?
Tell me.
How do I...

How do I describe
The butterflies I feel inside
The sweetness that you provide
As my hurt begins to subside

Huh?
Tell me.
How do I...

How do I remain
In an emotional state of sane
As I stand here in the shower
Using my finger to scribble these words that I'm saying

Huh?
Tell me.
How do I...

How do I recognize
What's been set here before my eyes
No other way but divine
When all has gone wrong you entered my life

Huh?
Tell me.
How do I...

How do I expound
These are not lyrics I've laid down
I don't write music, I feel it
That's more like your sound

Huh?
Tell me.
How do I...

Oh, wait! I've got it now
No need for know-how
I just simply want to say thank you
I was lost, but by you, I've been found

-Queen Selah



It meant a lot to me to have someone miss out on sleep just to make sure I get some. My friend and I have never even met in person and he lives in a different state. He doesn't know my status, or even about this blog. He only knows me through what I post on Facebook. However, we became close when I posted a video about what happened with Anthony and how hurt I was when I found out he was sleeping with a man, Then another video where I did a spoken word piece that I wrote about being raped as a child and growing up in the foster care system.

I noticed after those videos, he started to comment on more posts and like almost everything on my page. But I didn't look too deeply into it. That's why it was so special to hear from him last night when I needed help the most. He has never made any sexual advances towards me or spoken to me inappropriately. He's always been quiet or respectful.

Last night he told me that he ran across my profile a while back when he was trying to find his cousin's page and he requested me because he thought I was beautiful. Then he said he saw those videos and became infuriated. He wanted to kill those people who hurt me and he has felt protective of me ever since. He said he feels like he knows me in real life and loves my energy.

That made me feel nice because what woman doesn't want to feel protected? That's a comforting feeling of safety and care. And it was definitely unexpected from him. But his change of behavior all made sense now.

So, he stayed up and messaged me about my son, work, and life until I fell asleep. Nothing perverse. So, I woke up feeling refreshed and thankful and the poem above is what poured out of me while I was in the shower. I sent it to him and he said he couldn't stop smiling. He said I make him feel soft and warm inside. Lol. At least our communication is safe because there is no sexual content, he lives in another state, and he doesn't even have my phone number. He is my safe space for the time being. I am glad he enjoyed the poem.

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TO MY READERS

I appreciate all of my readers. Especially the ones who take the time to comment and communicate back and forth with me. I appreciate you all for keeping me grounded and allowing me to encourage you as well. I take all of your comments into account when dealing with this disease. I appreciate the suggestions and motivation. I have formed special bonds with some of you in the cyber world. We all need somebody to lean on. Lean on me. Lol!

And a special thanks to my soul sister XOXOXOXO! You already know who you are. We are going to beat this thing, visit USHA Village, and make our movie. Let them continue to doubt the cure. We will show them otherwise. Rise up queen!.



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MEALS & TREATMENT

I took my treatment this morning. I adjusted the Bromide Plus recipe measurements to half the suggested size because that is just wayyy too much to make at one time. I always end up wasting a lot of the product. The recipe yields 32 ounces of the drink. My NutriBullet cup only holds 20 ounces, and I barely get through that in one day. 

I just bought a Mr. Coffee thermos to use to keep the drink warm and that only holds 16 ounces. I think I have a better chance of completing 16 ounces than drinking 32. So I adjusted the measurements to produce a smaller amount. And I used sour sop for the fruit and soaked the walnuts overnight this time. I read somewhere that we should always soak our nuts. No pun intended. Lol. But I think I like them better that way.

I drank some coconut water today. A large can of it that costs two dollars. If you follow Dr. Sebi you will become an avid label reader. You'll read the ingredients label on everything you pick up. The less ingredients, the more chance of the item being natural, and natural is best. I drank the Zola brand today. I have played around with a few other brands in the past but I think I like this one. And it has the coconut chunks in it. I love it.

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My cheat for eating is when I don't have anything prepared and I am hungry, I get a garden salad from Wendy's. That's not really a cheat, but I call it one because I don't know what kind of lettuce they use. Dr. Sebi says we should not eat iceberg lettuce. I also do not use salad dressing with my food. I love fresh lettuce, so nothing else is needed. I also do not eat the croutons because they are starch. 

I still have cravings at times. Like sometimes I crave sour sop ice cream. Yes! sour sop ice cream. Mainly people from the islands will know about this. It is so delicious! Too bad it contains milk and milk is not conducive for healing.

I strongly believe there are addictive additives in the food. When you abstain from eating certain fast foods and genetically modified ingredients you no longer crave them.

The side effects of the medication really kicked me in my ass today. I guess that's my punishment for rising up and being strong.



I also crave chocolate chip cookies and french fries a lot. It's not easy changing your diet and I don't want to lead anyone to believe so. Especially with the aromas of all sorts of tasty foods constantly flowing around you or billboards on the streets. There's temptation. But as time goes by, if you keep fighting and reduce the number of slip ups, the desire may be there, but the taste for it leaves.

Certain foods don't even taste the same to me anymore. Maybe because I know they are not even foods. They are binders and acidic chemicals. My taste buds are changing. Eventually, I begin to lose the taste for them. I am well on my way now but I am aware that I am not all the way there yet. Maybe if I had an in house chef it would be easier. That's the one thing I would get if I ever became rich...a personal chef! I'd be the healthiest person ever. Lol. Just the thought makes me laugh.


RELATIONSHIPS

Love...

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Maybe, just maybe, I am meant to GIVE it and NOT RECEIVE it. That's what I'm starting to realize. At this present moment, I am fine with that.

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RELEASE WRITING

I miss my son while I'm at work.

When I got home, my son told me that he thinks he's spoiled. All I could do was smile. Poor baby doesn't know any better. He's just loved. Not spoiled. My little sweetie pie.

One of my coworkers said I'm starting to get a pudge in my tummy. I'm not going to mention the pudges all over her body, including the back of her knees. Lol. Let me stop being bad, because she is right. The Genvoya medication had been causing me to get belly fat. And it doesn't help that it leaves me with almost no energy to go to the gym. I'll figure it out though.

Every where I look I see the promotion of being down for your man. I am so tired of that. And women are falling for it while the men are pushing it. Do you know what that means? Do you even give thought to the things you regurgitate? You do NOT have to be down for your man. You can stand BY him. But to be down for him is foolishness. Why? Because that's the reason why men no longer know their places. They wanted to be treated like a queen and still considered to be the head of the household. That is ridiculous.

There are wayyy too many men being supported by women. There are wayyy too many men living in a woman's home. There are way too many men driving women's cars. There are wayyy too many men eating women's groceries and borrowing money from them. And these are the same men who are cheating on them with the ASSistance of these same "down women."

A down woman will always stay down if she continues to allow "men" to use them as foot stools. Look at Dwayne Wade. His down woman stuck with him through school, gave him beautiful children, stood by him while he pursued his dreams and made it to the NBA. And what did he give her in return? Public humiliation and his ass to kiss! Now he left her and married a super star actress who has no children.

The shame. If she never stayed down for him it wouldn't be so bad. It would have just been a failed relationship. But now she is STILL DOWN and out by herself. She has to pull herself up by her lonesome while he skates on smoothly and is loved in the public eye.

My point is, ladies, we have to love ourselves more and let a man be a man. Let him fight his own battles. Stop fighting for them. Stop looking for jobs for them. Yes, you can help with the resume, but let him do the footwork and the hard stuff. They need to earn the title of a "man." Women of today do more manly stuff than actual men do. We are the providers. We are the protectors. We are the foundation. And they are just dick and complaints for the most part. Not ALL men, but a lot of them. Men need to know their place and play their roles. Maybe less would turn out gay that way. Women have made these men to accustomed to being taken care of and plating the domestic role that half of them don't even know how to change the oil or a tire on a car. But I do.

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I came home from work and the place felt like a whole new home since I cleaned up and my neighbor got me the new furniture. The ambiance is peaceful and relaxing. Every time I walk in, I light a scented candle or incense and just exhale. Ahhh...

How do you show appreciation without leading someone on? Especially if you know that person likes you? Is it possible to show appreciation to someone who likes you without them thinking you like them back? Ugh! I have no time for the high school B.S. I am just grateful.

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My friend who spent the night at my house the other day was so sweet when I first began talking to him. Respectful, kind, and considerate. Now, it just seems like he's on a mission. He wants me and he has made it his goal to get me. I find myself playing defense and damage control far more than I find myself enjoying his company or being myself. That's why I only like to have him over when I am ready to go to bed and just need help getting to sleep. It leaves no room for conversation. I know how to put guys in the friend zone very well. But my question is, how the heck can I get myself placed in the friend zone as well?! Lol. I don't want to be a potential partner to anyone right now.


2 comments:

  1. It goes both ways The girl who gave me this disease. Told me she was gonna make it so i couldn't have babies with no other woman. She lied, cheated the whole nine. I think that people in general are just nasty. I realize not everyone is like that, but It seems that most are. So I stick to myself cause I really don't have the time or energy to be figuring people out. I put all that into Beating this disease. I really appreciate you sharing your story, having this disease can be lonely at times cause unless you have it you really don't know what that person goes through just to stay sane everyday when your whole life has been flipped upside down. Then you have the world telling you there's no hope for you. Take this green pill and we'll see ya in 30 days. There's a lot of ups and downs when dealing with illness, and after reading your blog I have nothing but respect for you. You're a beautiful soul Queen and I wish you the best ma.

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    Replies
    1. Wow. Thank you for those words king. And yes, I agree that most people are just nasty at heart. Filthy souls. That's why I stay to myself as well. I'm not sure if you are black or not, but I can tell you this, it is worse to have that disease while being black and around blacks. They will put you down, tell everyone your business, and make you wish you were dead already They will tell everyone to stay away from you because you have the "cooties." As long as you stay headstrong and deal with this with as few people in your business as possible, I have no doubt you will beat it. Stay disciplined with your eating even if you can't afford the package every month. It will help.

      It is definitely a lonely disease. The way the doctors write you off and dismiss you doesn't make it any better either. But I wanted you to stay strong. Understand that they are conditioned and taught in school not to support natural healing. They also cannot suggest such things out of fear of being sued for malpractice. So, even the ones who believe can not openly support it. You are on your own with this one king. But you are all you need. You are more than enough. No one will love you better than you. So take care of the most important person in the world and never look back. I bet once you are healed, this will never happen again. Everyone you decide to give your body to will have to go with you to get a test because you will trust no one. And you will still want to wear a condom. You will be able to have children. The only thing that will be stopping you once you get cured is the quality of woman you will be waiting for in order to be a fit mother for your offspring.

      Peace and Love,

      Queen Selah

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