Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Day 123 - Monday, March 21, 2016

So, this morning, I kicked my friend out before the shadoobie came. I am still trying to figure out how to get friend zoned by guys. I know some pretty decent people. It just kind of puts a damper on things when they start developing feelings for me.

I used the bathroom and put my morning capsules into their carrying case. I didn't take my treatment last night. I just couldn't bring myself to doing it. The smell kills me. I am just so happy that I only have to take two at a time now in the mornings, instead of three or four. I only have Bio Ferro and Iron Plus tonic left to take in the liquid form. I still have the capsules but they are no big deal.

I am just really tired of taking all of these herbs, tonics, and drinks. But I have to fix what I irresponsibly allowed to happen to me. Another thing I failed to mention is that I have been skipping treatments periodically over the past week or so. I don't have enough money for my next package yet and I don't want to run out of products. So, sometimes I just take enough to keep in my system for a while. I'm trying to strategize my way to a cure. I can't wait for my doctor's appointment. I am almost 100% sure I am going to receive some good news. 

Image result for nightmares

After work, I fell asleep on the couch. I had another nightmare. It was total mayhem. I started out with me taking a shower in a bathroom in a third floor apartment. Mind you, I live in a one story house. I don't like apartments. I love candles. And in my dream, I had three candles burning in the window sill while I showered. One candle fell from the third floor window and hit the pavement below. When I looked out of the window to see if anyone was hurt, I saw a huge big wheel truck almost as tall as the building.

There were people hanging from the truck and fighting. Punching each other in the face and shooting guns. One man in a long sleeve button-down shirt and blue jeans blatantly shot a man in the face before he fell from the truck. My eyes followed him in disbelief as he walked over to the right in pursuit of another individual. There were three people stuck under a flipped over car as if there had been a recent automobile accident. Mild flames were coming from the hood of the car. The man in the button-down shirt walked over to the group of trapped individuals and shot a man and woman right in the forehead.

I gasped and grabbed my mouth. That was my queue. I looked further up the street and there were groups of fighting and weapon toting. Then the man in the shirt headed towards my building. I jumped out of the shower and immediately I was dressed. I guess because it was a dream. I ran through the house looking for my Cuddle Bug and found him watching TV in the bedroom. I grabbed him and looked around the room for a hiding place because I heard footsteps coming. I was panic stricken. The steps became louder as the person approached.

At the last minute, we climbed into the attic and hid. I purposely left the TV on and the lights to make noise. I covered my son's mouth but if a little peep escaped the background noise would drown it out. As it turned out, Cuddle Bug was super quiet. And the man entered the house. He kicked the door in and the light shined on his gun as he tip toed across the floor.
Image result for scared and hiding  Image result for scared and hiding

Fortunately, as he approached the attic the scene changed and my son and I were now downstairs on the street in the middle of all of the mayhem. I held his hand tightly as we ran through the street dodging bullets and chaos. We climbed into a nearby bus and hid under the seats as the man with the gun headed in out direction again. He didn't see us get on but there were other people on there screaming and panicking. Cuddle Bug and I were in the rear of the bus on the dirty floor holding our breath and hiding as he shot a few of the screaming people. One fell right in front of us with their eyes open. Luckily I woke up just then.

I looked around the house to gather my bearings and realized I was still on the couch. I used the bathroom and a large amount of mucous was in my stool. That is always good to rid the body of mucous. Progress. I told my son he could take over the TV and I went to my room to try to go back to sleep in my bed. No success.

I had bought some science materials from the teacher's store this weekend for my son. He loves science. I also bought him a chemistry set with 50 experiment cards. Since, I couldn't sleep, I got back up and supervised him as he conducted a few of the experiments. He had so much fun using the beakers, petri dish, and measuring cup. My son is going to be something great. After we completed about three experiments, I tried to go back to bed. 

I still couldn't sleep. I thought about calling my friend over again but I didn't want to push the envelope. I didn't want him to get the wrong idea and I didn't want to handicap myself by developing a dependency on someone else. 

So, I sat up in bed and twiddled my fingers. It was around midnight. I was miserable. My eyes were dry and heavy and I was becoming sad. My phone vibrated and it was one of my Facebook friends messaging me on the Messenger app. He and I have never talked in Messenger before. But he wanted to check on me. That was nice. We messaged each other for a while and I told him I couldn't sleep. Halfway through the conversation my friend who spent the other night text me. He said he was checking on me also. I responded to him as I continued to communicate with Messenger guy.

Messenger guy talked to me until I fell asleep. In the morning, I realized that I missed a text from the other guy, asking if I needed him to come over. I am glad I missed that. No attachments.

I didn't take my nightly treatment. I couldn't bring myself to it. I am tired.


Sometimes it feels better to think they won't understand. That way I don't have to expect them to.

By Edgar Guest

I have to live with myself and so
I want to be fit for myself to know.
I want to be able as days go by,
always to look myself straight in the eye;
I don't want to stand with the setting sun
and hate myself for the things I have done.
I don't want to keep on a closet shelf
a lot of secrets about myself
and fool myself as I come and go
into thinking no one else will ever know
the kind of person I really am,
I don't want to dress up myself in sham
I want to go out with my head erect
I want to deserve all the men's respect;
but here in the struggle for fame and wealth
I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to look at myself and know
I am bluster and bluff and empty show.
I never can hide myself from me;
I see what others may never see;
I know what others may never know,
I never can foll myself and so,
whatever happens I want to be
self respecting and conscience free.


1 comment:

  1. 100 have you ever researched dr robert morse on you tube regarding HIV he is very knowledgeable on this topic as well....Xoxoxoxo Them freams is a hot mess. I wish you didnt have them... and these damn meds keep you up.