Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Day 122 - Sunday, March 20, 2016



I am more than a conqueror! I am feeling victorious today!

I CAME TO WIN
TO FIGHT
TO CONQUER
TO THRIVE

I CAME TO WIN 
TO SURVIVE
TO PROSPER
TO RISE

TO FLY...

I WISH TODAY IT WOULD RAIN ALL DAY
MAYBE THAT WOULD KINDA MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY
TRYING TO FORGIVE YOU FOR ABANDONING ME
PRAYING BUT I THINK I'M STILL AN ANGEL AWAY
ANGEL AWAY, YEAH STRANGE IN A WAY
MAYBE THAT IS WHY I CHASE THE STRANGERS AWAY
THEY GOT THEIR GUNS OUT AIMING AT ME
ME, ME, ME AGAINST THEM
ME AGAINST ENEMIES, ME AGAINST FRIENDS
SOMEHOW THEY BOTH SEEM TO BECOME ONE
A SEA FULL OF SHARKS AND THEY ALL SMELL BLOOD
THEY START COMING AND I START RISING
MUST BE SURPRISING
I'M JUST SURMISING
I WIN, THRIVE, SOAR, HIGHER,
HIGHER, HIGHER, MORE FIRE

I CAME TO WIN
TO FIGHT
TO CONQUER
TO THRIVE

I CAME TO WIN 
TO SURVIVE
TO PROSPER
TO RISE

TO FLY...

EVERYBODY WANNA TRY TO BOX ME IN
SUFFOCATING EVERY TIME IT LOCKS ME IN
PAINTIN' THEY OWN PICTURES THEN THEY CROP ME IN
BUT I WILL REMAIN WHERE THE TOP BEGINS
'CAUSE I AM NOT A WORD, I AM NOT A LINE
I AM NOT A GIRL THAT CAN EVER BE DEFINED
I AM NOT FLY, I AM LEVITATION
I REPRESENT AN ENTIRE GENERATION
I HEAR THE CRITICISM LOUD AND CLEAR
THAT'S HOW I KNOW THAT THE TIME IS NEAR
SO WE BECOME ALIVE IN A TIME OF FEAR
AND I AIN'T GOT NO MOTHERFUCKIN' TIME TO SPARE
CRIED MY EYES OUT FOR DAYS UPON DAYS
SUCH A HEAVY BURDEN PLACED UPON ME
BUT WHEN YOU GO HARD YOUR NAYS BECOME YAYS
YANKEE STADIUM WITH JAY'S AND KANYE'S

GET READY FOR IT
I CAME TO WIN...

Image result for conqueror

These lyrics speak to me on a deep level. Nicki Minaj is NOT my cup of tea but this song says exactly how I feel. This may be one of my victory songs when I get that "Negative" HIV test result back. I can't wait. I am so excited.


Image result for relentless Image result for relentless

I was able to tackle quite a few things today. I finally got the entire house good. It feels good. Clear house. Clear mind. I feel good and refreshed. I brought the furniture in from the porch today all by myself. I dragged the bottom part into the house first. That wasn't so bad because I am pretty strong. But where are most women weak? That's right. You guessed it. Upper body!

Once I go the bottom portion securely in place in my bedroom, I had to go back to the porch to get the top half which has the shelves. I pride myself on going to the gym and being able to do push ups, but truth be told, that upper body strength is no joke. Not to mention the medication has me weak all of the time. My legs, on the other hand, are strong like an ox.

Anyway, back to the story. I had to lift the large top half several feet up off of the ground in order to place it on top of the other. This proved to be challenging. But I love a challenge. I grunted and groaned. Heaved and hoed. Huffed and puffed until I got it to where it needed to go. I tried to put it up at an angle but it was too tall and hit the ceiling. I had to find a way to pick it up at full height. That requires extreme body strength and I barely work on arms at the gym because I already have nice muscular cuts in them and I don't want to look like a man.

I lifted the shelves up onto my bed. Then I used my head to hold it up and mustered up all of my upper body strength to use my arms to lift it onto the surface. Mission accomplished. My arms felt like noodles afterwards but I felt mighty. I had to go and do the same thing in my son's room, except the bed wasn't close enough to use for support and I had to lift it right up off of the floor. I called my neighbor to tell him thank you and the first thing he asked me was if I had a guy come over to help me. He's jealous for no reason. Lol. Too funny.

Once the house was in order, I assembled my zen Buddha fountain. He sits on a bed of rocks holding a cup that water flows from. The stones and the sound of the water is very relaxing. My bestie from work bought it for me over a month ago but I refused to take it out of the box until I had my house in order. Today was the day.

MEALS

I ate a honeycrisp apple for the first time today. My son and I are loyal fuji lovers. But I must say that I was pleased with the sweet and juicy crisp of this apple.

I also had a few cups of linden tea. And for dinner I made my son's favorite, spelt spaghetti with mushrooms and chickpeas. Except, this time I added burro bananas. It added a much welcomed sweetness to the dish.


SLEEP DEPRIVATION




I don't know if I mentioned previously that ever since all of this happened (November 14, 2015) I have suffered from severe sleep deprivation. In the beginning, it was because Anthony wasn't in bed with me anymore. We both developed that problem over time of being together. There came a point that no matter how tired he was, he couldn't fall asleep unless I was in the bed with him. And I was so spoiled and used to being in his arms that I could sleep no other way. It took a few months, but I finally got over that.

Now, there's a different issue that started around the same time. Almost every night, I have nightmares about Anthony and Kevin. Sometimes I wake up in tears. At other times I wake up angry or confused. Now, I just wake up annoyed and irritated by the whole thing. I just want a peaceful night of rest. No more visions of that faggot shit. Is that too much to ask for?


Well, tonight was one of the rough ones. I was extremely drained from the medication (Genvoya) but I couldn't fall asleep because of the dreams. I called my friend that I went to middle and high school with. The one that stayed with me a few months ago when I was sick and sat at my bedside and rubbed my stomach until I fell asleep. The funny thing about that is, I never talked to him in school. I never really spoke to anyone in school. I was a quiet, sexy, athletic dork who was always reading or writing something.

So as soon as he saw my text he got excited and immediately said he would come over. I know that he likes me a lot but now is my time to be selfish. I always let him know that I am not interested in dating right now and he always says he will wait. But he enjoys being in my presence. So we both stand to gain from this arrangement. He gets to hold me and I get to sleep. Finally!

He's a pretty rough/tough guy but he is very respectful towards me and addresses me as "Queen." Always. He reserves himself when with me. However, he keeps asking me if he can kiss me. He texts me about it. Calls me about it. And messages me about it. But kissing is very intimate to me and I refuse. Even just a kiss on the lips. I find that to be more intimate than sex. I always tell him no.

However, while we were in bed and I was finally falling asleep, I felt something jab me in my back...
He had a huge erection. I rolled me eyes, nudged forward a bit to escape its reach, and tried to look past it. After all, he is a man in bed with a woman he is very attracted to. At least he wasn't being disrespectful and trying to fondle me.

I drifted off to sleep a little after three in the morning. Around four I jolted out of my sleep. He said I was whining and crying before I woke up and asked me what was wrong. I told him I was having nightmares about the faggots again, as a tear rolled down my cheek. I am exhausted and my eyelids were heavy. He pulled me on to his shoulder and rubbed my head and back until I fell back asleep. I was so grateful for his presence and he seemed happy to be there.

I only got about three to four hours of sleep. But that was a lot more than I have been getting in a while. Unfortunately, I had to bring our evening to an abrupt halt once the sun came up. He had to get the hell out because my stomach started bubbling and I couldn't deal with that type of embarrassment this early in the morning. Lol

IF THE INFORMATION I AM SHARING WITH YOU HAS HELPED YOU IN ANYWAY, PLEASE SEE IT NOT ROBBERY TO CLICK THIS LINK, https://www.gofundme.com/QueenSelah AND DONATE EVEN AS LITTLE AS $1 OR $5 TO HELP ME PURCHASE ANOTHER TREATMENT PACKAGE FROM DR. SEBI'S OFFICE IN ORDER TO COMPLETE THE TREATMENT PROCESS AND BE CURED.  I NEED YOUR HELP. THANK YOU IN ADVANCE AND I APPRECIATE YOUR SUPPORT.

3 comments:

  1. Hey Queen,I'm also on Dr. Sebi therapeutic package first month. I hope we'll win this thing don't hesitate.
    Queen, I'm not affiliated by anyone but did you hear about low dose Naltrexone or LDN? research it I heard a lot about it so it is good to know.

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    Replies
    1. We'll win this. I am sure of it. Let's just continue to encourage each other and promote healthy energy. Those tonics are harsh. Yuck! Lol. But thank you and don't give up.

      Peace and love,

      Queen Selah

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  2. Xoxoxoxo in the house we will win sis. Im happy you have someone to hold and caress you this is such a devastating disease. Im scared to allow as anyone in that space.I wish for the day I cannpick up the peices snd move forward. With someone who b totally respects the Love of a tru woman. But for now I'm a loner. Suffering through this negative situation concecrated by a white nation. To dehumanize our Melanated nation. Passing HiV to the penal system locking our brothers up for unknown incarcerations. Giving them all that time to stack they sacks fat. While slavery and genocide of crack takes our blacks. Love you Queen toodles for now.

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