Sunday, March 6, 2016

Day 107 - Saturday, March 5, 2016

"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."
-Angela Schwindt

Sometimes I look at my son and think, who gave you permission to grow up? Please pause, Mommy needs time to get better so she can enjoy your youthful stage...

I took my son to his basketball game this morning and my coworker, the nosey one, showed up to support my Cuddle Bug. They have a good relationship. Everyone in the office loves him, but she has a special affinity for him as if he were her own son. She is the lady I was going to have my son stay with for a month if I went to the USHA Village for treatment. But I couldn't afford it just yet. My son was happy she came.

After the game I got a little cleaning done. Life can be so depressing at times. Take the weekend for example, it is just a treacherous tease. By the time you finish doing what you HAVE to do, you have no time to do what you WANT. And then it's time to go back to work again and chase a dollar. But hey, such is life. I'll figure out how to balance this thing soon enough.

I wanted to go running on a nature trail today but I had to settle for playing some basketball with some of the kids after the game.

My mind is all over the place lately. I realized that I want help, but I am too afraid to trust any. So, I press on by my lonesome. The safest way I know how to be.

To be continued...

I had to stop writing earlier because I was extremely tired. Unusually tired. Something isn't right. I know my emotions can affect my physical being at times, but not to this extent.

I'm still not talking to anyone. It's time for me to get focused on myself. The cavalry is NOT coming. Answering my phone or talking to "friends" serves me no purpose at times. It makes me feel rushed out of the way, minuscule, or like a task someone just wants to cross off their list.

I have subconsciously developed categories for all of the people in my life right now.

A. Comfort Inn
These are the people who do not respect my true feelings because it makes them uncomfortable. These are the people whom I cannot express my true sentiments to because they are going to just brush them out of the way. Having this disease is a roller coaster. The scariest one ever invented with a million-foot death drop at any turn. Feelings, thoughts, and emotions come in phases. For example, in the beginning I was angry when I found out. Then I was confused at the fact that Anthony was gay. I didn't want to believe it. All I wanted to know was if the love he had for me was authentic. Then there was the stage that I became suicidal from the deep depression I slipped into. Every time I told someone I was depressed or thinking about killing myself they told me to be quiet, that was stupid, I am strong, or just blatantly got mad at me. Then when I took a bottle of pills in November, a couple weeks after I found out, some people stopped talking to me, others said it was the cowards way out, then there were those few who said I can always talk to them. I found that to be funny because those were the same one shooshing me every time I tried to talk about what was terrorizing my soul. So, I've learned to stop talking because people really don't want to hear what I have to say. They just want to FEEL like they are helping. They want me to get better quietly.

B. Night Owls
These are the big-eyed people in my life who are just sitting back quietly in the darkness and waiting for me to die. All they do is watch. They perch themselves on a branch out of site where they can get the best view. They never speak or show themselves, but they are always watching. As soon as they found out I contracted this disease, they counted me out. Dead (wo)Man Walking! These are the people I wish never knew about my condition. Then again, I wasn't the one who told them. My brother did. These people serve no purpose. But I bet if I beat this thing they will have so much to say and want to be around me. That is when I will order Dr. Sebi's newest product, which was extracted from the extendo maximus herb. This product causes the length of the middle finger to expand three times its original size. I can't wait to order that one. Lol

C. Red Cross
These people are similar to the Night Owls, except they do speak. However, the only time they speak is every blue moon when they ask how am I doing as if I am some sort of charity case. You can hear the pity in their voices. Then you never hear from them again for weeks at a time. Their charity work is done. They've fulfilled some sort of imaginary obligation.

D. Salvation Army
The Salvation Army are the people who rarely speak as well, but their only form of advice is Christian. I mean no offense, but if I am allowed to be honest here, that sort of talk does not heal, mend, or soothe every situation. It is intangible. It does not bring peace for EVERY pain. And anyone who says differently is a liar. If I am hurting about heartache, low cell counts, finances, my son, or fatigue, the last thing I want to hear is "give it to God." I'm sorry, that just doesn't help. That can't be the answer for every problem otherwise we wouldn't have to do ANYTHING in life but give it to God. People who tell me that for EVERYTHING make me feel as if they just don't know what else to say. In which case, I believe they should just say, "I don't know what to say." I can definitely respect that.

E. Scarecrow
These are the people who truly care about me but either don't know how to or are too afraid to show it. These people are gems. I may not be able to talk to them about pressing issues, but they serve their purpose just as the scarecrow in the cornfield. Although they are standing still, they are doing enough to keep the crops growing.

F. Predator
These are the people who rarely rear their ugly heads. But when they do, they say a quick how are you doing, and before you can answer, they are asking you for favors or trying to get a piece because they think you are vulnerable. I may look like easy prey, but I'm poisonous. So, play at your own risk.

G. Unauthorized Personnel
These are also people who truly are concerned about me but feel that they don't know me well enough to express these feelings. We may know each other through a mutual acquaintance or something of the sort so they are a bit reluctant to reach out because they know my personality and how I feel about people. They know I am anti-social by choice and very selective about who I let in. Stranger-Danger...

H. Safety Patrol
These are the people who view me as a walking landmine. They watch my every move and keep tabs of every one I come into contact with. This includes people I work with, say hello to, and any and every guy who shows interest in me. Safety Patrol feels as if I should tell everyone about my positive status. I am sorry, but that's a negative! That's not everyone's business. Just because a guy likes me, doesn't mean I am going to give them the time of day, much less a ride in my panties. That is absurd! I would feel like I would have to be extra nice when it comes to dating in order to compensate for being positive and that is an absolute no-no. Every guy I have ever dated knows there is nothing extra nice about dating me. That's why any guy who actually gets me, knows they have a prize. So, I rather  not date if I have to pretend. And at what point do you disclose your status without them running off with your business anyway? That's wayyy too much for me. Safety Patrol is the type of person who is afraid that I will infect someone. And I am the type of person who is focused on NOT BEING INFECTED! I'm not thinking about sex at all! That's the last thing on my mind. I want to be cured. And once I am cured, I doubt I'll be thinking about sex then either. I'll be too afraid to catch it again, even through a condom.

I. Your Honor
These are the judgmental types that feel I had to have been doing something wrong to contract this disease. It is all my fault. I should have known Anthony was gay. I should have chosen a better quality of man, etc. The list goes on. Basically, they feel I got what I deserve. I only have one person in this category at this moment and that is my full blood brother of which we share the same mother and father. The only sibling of mine in which we have the same maternal and paternal parents. He made it quite clear in front of the rest of our siblings on our father's side that I got what I deserved. He's an idiot. At that point, I just cut him out of my life and watched as no one else addressed the statements he made. Some people are weak but claim to be righteous. I don't claim to be anything but honest and observant.

So, to wrap that up, the only place I feel comfortable expressing myself lately is on my blog. No one is trying to shut me up or change the subject. If anything, you guys are pushing me to keep writing, and I appreciate that with every ounce of my being. Here, I can be heard.

I am going to continue to take this time to myself to get my life back on track for my son if for no one else. He loves me to pieces and would be lost without me. Our bond is too strong and if something happened to me I don't think he would be able to go on.

So, I have been studying a lot lately and focusing on self. No more appeasing the people in my life. My feelings need to be respected. My time needs to be respected. My pain needs to be respected. My money needs to be respected. And my needs need to be respected. Simple. I am dying. That is a fact I can no longer deny. Play time is over.

9 comments:

  1. Xoxoxoxo I know that feeling and trust me you are not alone. Sometimes we be so blessed we can't see the reason its time for us to be alone I think. You are a blessing to many but only few will respond. Keep blessing others Queen somebody out there is in the struggle and lonely.

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    1. Thank you for standing with me and not being one of the many who are not responding for their own personal reasons. I appreciate all of your comments. And I truly hope to be a blessing to others.

      Love heals...

      Selah
      XOXO

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  2. God is always there no matter time or hour cast your fears on him, and he will show you the desires of your heart. Be not dismayed. I've been up for 4 hours now. Pondering GN peace and love.

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    1. I hope you received the answers to whatever you were up pondering about. Thank you for your prayers.

      Peace,

      Selah

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  3. I know you don't feel comfortable talking To a therapist, but would you be open to the idea? I understand you feel comfortable speaking with us but is that something you would consider? I went to a therapist once and it helped me look inward to help me get some type of resolve about my feelings and how to emotionally deal with certain issues.

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    1. No, I don't feel that I would be open to seeing a therapist simply because they follow guidelines from textbooks. They are not allowed to share personal experiences of give personal advice. They can't relate to what I'm going through. They usually just ask you a series of questions to help you map out your own feelings. This is something that I find too personal to look someone in the eyes and discuss. I still haven't fully accepted my diagnosis.

      Warm wishes,

      Selah

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    2. Allow me to clarify. I was not satisfied with my answer. It's not that I'm saying "no." I'm just saying that is not something I would personally seek out. I'm not too familiar with how it would affect me. But if the universe lines it up in a way that I am set before a therapist, so be it. I will try not to turn it away. I just prefer to speak with people who don't mind getting personal. Nonetheless, I am wise enough to know that I don't know everything. I'm just merely feeling my way through this disease and the emotions tied into them.

      Thank you,

      Selah

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  4. I am so sorry your brother said that to you. Is your full brother the same brother in your city? Is this the brother who's telling everyone about the diagnosis? He should be more considerate because not many people are immune...and he would feel ridiculous if this happened to him. Anything is possible. Glad you are ok.

    FLJ

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    1. My brother who lives in the same city shares the same mother as me, not father. The one who has the same mother and father lives out of the country.

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