Thursday, March 3, 2016

Day 104 - Wednesday, March 2, 2016

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"Successful people make decisions quickly and firmly. Unsuccessful people make decisions slowly, and they change them often."
-Napoleon Hill

I am still undecided as to whether or not I would like to continue with treatment. I haven't taken any of it today. But the outpouring of comments is causing me to reconsider. I was not aware of how many people were actually following my blog for hope, or other purposes. All I know is that I am burned out. 

I spent my day trying to take it easy and relax. I still had to get Champ to karate practice as always. That's one part of my schedule that won't change. Unfortunately, I am still a busy person with or without the treatment. With or without my blog. So, I didn't get a chance to read more than one page of Dr. Sebi's book. However, I was able to place an order for the book that came before that one. Seven Days in USHA Village: A Conversation With Dr. Sebi. I couldn't locate the book anywhere but on Dr. Sebi's website. It was about $14 but came up to $31 with shipping. That's the book which allegedly contains the test results of cured patients. I'm looking forward to reading that one so I have to hurry up and get through this one before that one arrives.

I have not been communicating with anyone other than my readers. I don't want to. I'm silently angry with almost everyone who knows me personally and my situation. I'm angry that they played with me by offering something they couldn't provide. False hope. Am I going to lash out at them? Of course not. I appreciate the little effort they did put in. A lot of people who know me believes that I have it made. They could only wish for a job like mine and their own house. They say I don't need a man. I have everything. The perfect son, two cars, a home, nice body, intelligent, strong, etc. These are their words. 

However, they fail to realize the following. I had to work hard and be rejected several times before getting this job. They fail to realize that I had a very horrible and rough start, growing up in foster care from the age of twelve, when I needed my mother the most, being abandoned by my brother and being raped. They fail to understand that raising my son to be the young man that he is is not a one day process. It is continuous effort and attention on my behalf. Great children aren't born. They are raised and molded. And that is what I do every day. That is where I dedicate my time willingly. I don't go to clubs or parties. I'm with my son because he is my responsibility who did not ask to be here and requires honorable guidance. Having a great child comes with sacrifices of not only finances, but time, comfort, and compromise. A lot of compromising. They fail to realize that I have to pay out of pocket for all of these programs, such as karate and basketball that I place him in. They don't understand that because I want to keep him safe I have to find jobs that fit my schedule to be able to drop off and pick my son up from school so that I don't have to leave him with anyone. You can't trust people these days. They are either perverts or abusive. And anything happening to my young king would grant me a first-class trip to jail. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200. And who do you think is going to bail me out? No one. As a mother lioness, it is my instinct to protect my cub. I give in to instinct, not society. I have two cars because I worked hard to obtain them. I don't spend money on myself. I pay bills and save the rest. And I knew I needed a second car for backup because I can't depend on people for as little as a ride. Either they are too busy, not available, want money, want a coochie coupon, or ask for the most outrageous favors in return. All I have is me. They don't realize that the cost of my home just went up three hundred dollars starting this month. I'll have to pull that money out of my ass. But I don't complain about it because I have my son. I am built to make things happen for my son. So, I have no doubt that the monthly payments will be on time. Now, if it was something which only affected me, I may have to worry. They don't realize that I cut my own yard and rake my own leaves. All they see is a home that they don't have and wish they did. That's not fair. They don't realize that I was homeless for months while I was in college, living in my car with my son who was still on breast milk and only a few months old.They say I have a nice body, but they don't understand that it's part genetics, part physical activity, and part food selection, which is not always easy. Eating right is expensive and not enjoyable at times. I have never smoked or drank a day in my life. Working out is very fun for me but when I am under stress sometimes I can't even pull myself up to do so. When vanity and self-appearance means nothing to you because you are too busy surviving. So being able to say I love myself today is a great feat. To know that 98% of the men who hit on you aren't worth half of your time even with HIV/AIDS. To know that in this new millennium love comes with conditions. There is no longer such a thing as unconditional love. So what is it all worth? They don't realize that with a nice body and good looks comes more problems. Like having to fight or prove yourself in order to be taken seriously. But, I sacrifice for what I want. Yeah, I'm strong. I have no other choice...

Yet, they choose to see what they want to see. They don't see that I wish I had a family. A real family, not just blood relatives. All the things they are trying to get away from. I don't complain much so I guess they think it's easy. Most of my "friends" or "the people I know" live with someone, either their family or a partner and don't have the responsibility of paying bills. Yet they have so much to complain about and say they want what I have. That's silly to me, but I don't judge because I understand we are all in different seats so we have different views. They have the support they don't want, but I wish I had. It's the people who have easy access to you who take you for granted.

They don't know what it's like to NEVER feel safe because your mother physically abused you and always put men first. Because two of your brothers sexually abused you. And because you can never call the cops and be viewed as the victim instead of the culprit. There's no protection. No justice. They don't know what it's like to NEVER have peace because you always have to be a warrior because you are on your own and you're a woman. To oftentimes overreact because the police don't do their job and your child's life is in your hands. They say I am intelligent, but what they fail to realize is that I love to read, watch documentaries and ask questions. And I'm strong because I have no other choice. Every man I have ever been with has been weaker than me or had less than me. The selection of men these days are very slim pickings and that is just the truth. So, how could a man help me if they need my help? I don't need any placeholders. A man should serve a purpose. I am a queen. There's no joke behind that. I gave birth to a prince. I know my worth. They don't understand what it's like to overcome adversity and triumph over obstacle after obstacle to blossom into the beautiful, virtuous queen I am today just to not be able to find a man who is my match and will love me the way I deserve to be. Then to be judged by my family because I never have a good man, in their approval. These are the selfish reasons they blindly don't help. And it's fine because I beg no one.

However, I am reprogramming myself to understand that I am in this alone. I will no longer discuss my health outside of this blog. Writing is my therapy. That is now my personal business. No one else deserves to know these things. Everyone who knows me personally and is aware of my condition has the link to my blog. Therefore, if they want to know, all they have to do is peck their fingers and open their eyes if they truly care. I have to protect my feelings from here on out. From now on, I do not have HIV/AIDS in the real world. From this day forward, I am just Queen Selah, living a normal life amongst society.

After karate practice my son and I went out to a nice restaurant almost an hour away from my house. We go on dates periodically. He thinks it is to make me feel nice but he doesn't even realize that I am teaching him how to treat a woman and his wife when he gets one. We have been going on dates since before he could walk or talk. So it will be second nature for him to be respectful to women when he becomes of age to date. Chivalry will not be dead within my young prince. He is of royalty. Because I have given up on fighting this disease and taking treatment, I decided to treat myself to one of my favorite meals from one of my favorite restaurants, Bahama Breeze. I ordered the Lobster and Shrimp Linguine. Yum! My son ordered a creole shrimp and sausage meal.

The funny thing is, as soon as the food came to the table, I didn't want it anymore. It's like unhealthy food is a turn off now, even though I am no longer bound to my obligation to eat right. It was instinct to turn the food away but I forced myself to eat it anyway since I was paying $20 for that one scrumptious dish. There were huge chunks of lobster and an abundance of succulent shrimp throughout my pasta. Once I got started, I actually enjoyed the food, but my son ended up eating almost half of my food along with his. He was really hungry. But I enjoy seeing him with a manly appetite. He only eats like that when I cook and I haven't cooked a regular meal for him in a while, other than breakfast. He loves my cooking.

So, I pushed the envelope and ordered dessert. A chocolate pineapple upside down cake along with a glass of milk. Yum! I was stuffed, but I forced it and my son ordered vanilla ice cream with whipped cream on top. He really enjoyed our date and offered to drive home if I was tired as he held my hand and led me to the parking lot. Lol. He is too sweet and funny. I was sleepy, but he fell asleep as soon as he got into the car. We made it home at almost eleven o'clock at night.


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To My Readers...

I am under a great deal of stress and uncertainty. I don't know if I should press on with Dr. Sebi's treatment, take the prescribed medications, or just let nature take it's course. I spent most of the day reading your comments. I always read your comments. I may not always respond right away because I may be under a lot of stress or nearing depression. But I always read them and get back to you. Based on the things I have read, it has lead me to open the floor on this post for anyone who could provide me with some information, encouragement, suggestions, or even questions that can help me to decide what to do from here on out.

Should I continue? Why or why not?

Do you have any suggestions that will help?

How has my blog helped or affected you?

Do you have any questions for me? If so, please post them.

Keep in mind that you don't have to state your name if you are not comfortable. You will not be judged. You can comment anonymously. But I would really appreciate your feedback at this point. I have a very difficult, time-sensitive decision to make and I feel like only my readers can understand and provide me with unbiased responses.

What is my purpose???

8 comments:

  1. Hi! It's me the yeller, lol. This has been you most powerful post to date. Again you have proven to me you are so much more than a disease. You a beautiful woman who has triumphed things that most could not fathom. I salute you!
    The question: I selfishly want you to continue to blog. I just get so much comfort in knowing someone like me is out there. I read alot and it seems I see lots of pretty picture perfect lives. It is so refreshing to get open honesty commentary. I am a strong believer in surrounding yourself with postive uplifting people. You do that for me and others via cyberspace. The Dr. Sebi aspect: my take is I don't know what will happen but I personally had a coworker who took traditional medicine and was fine. HIV is no longer a death sentence! I want you to be ok by any means necessary rather it be Dr. Sebi or anything else. This I feel is your calling to connect women. While the journey here has not been pleasant the rewards will be priceless. Like I mentioned before when you are ready you may need find a platform to join the woman together and even turn this into another source of income. There are so many possibilities and you have a fanbase here that will allow you to help yourself, while helping us. Just don't give up. The prince needs you. They world needs you, to hear your story and see your strength. Know that we are with you and your hurt is our hurt. Sorry, I am long winded. Sending love your way.

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    1. Hey Old Yeller!

      Lol. Thank you queen. I had no idea there was anyone out there like myself (aside from the disease) as well. That's a comforting shocker that we will make it, I guess.

      Your selfishness fuels me. And I agree. I, too, can never find a book or novel I can relate to. That's why I have attempted to write my own several times but gave up. Maybe this is a sign.

      What do you mean by "fine"? How is your coworker doing healthwise? Are they just sustaining? I would like to know please. I'm reaching for more than fine, but I will settle with fine for now if I could, I guess.

      Wow! I never thought my blog would do so much. I am humbled. Do you really believe this can help connect women? How? I would love to be able to do such a great thing for women. We don't get enough support. We are just expected to be a strong octopus at all times. What platform do you suggest? Lol. You are something else. I don't know why I giggle every time I read your comments. I feel like you live up the block from me or something. My sister from another mister. Lol

      Welp! There you have it! Now I am laughing out loud with my hands over my mouth. "Fans"??? Lol. The thought of me having fans is hilarious. Wow! I have arrived. Lol. I'm still laughing. If that is true, that is awesome. That makes me feel valuable and appreciated.

      I love long-winded people. It means they have something to say and they have put thought behind it. I appreciate every word you took your time to write.

      Your Sister,

      Queen Selah

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    2. Hello Queen,
      You definitely need to write! I too say I have a few stories to tell, but then discount the value of my input into the world.
      I no longer work with the gentleman but he explained to me he contracted HIV (he is a gay white male) and did not take medicine for 4 years, became an alcoholic, and lost his very good IT job at a large computer company. When working with me he had been taking his medication for the last 2 years and was having no complications. This was 10+ years ago. Also I know the cost of these medicines is high, have you considered Dr. Sebi’s Ex-wife’s products? The bulk rate on her products is amazing.I am not sure how much the packages run, her website is in dire need if updating. I know they have similar items and I have read positive reviews. I have been thinking of using her items to see if there is a difference from the Sebi Items I use. http://www.thefigtreeonline.com/ Also this review http://divinewiz.com/the-fig-tree-those-amazing-herbal-compounds/
      I do believe “normal” woman need resources also. The poor and the rich always seem to be those targeted for help and support. My thought is we are all a few paychecks away from tragedy if the perfect storm comes (long term illness, job loss, etc.). We need to have support groups, systems, and resources to keep us keeping on. We need ways to even make our lives a little easier. Give us reassurance that it’s ok not to be a perfect parent, friend, partner even employee at moments. Let us know that being human is okay. Platforms- I definitely feel a Facebook group or a YouTube channel (you do not need to disclose your face/name you can find a way around this) would prove the number of “fans” you have and from there you would be able to start and website with paid sponsors or even enlist sponsors that have resources or products that we could use. This way you would not have to charge people and it can help you because it is always nice to have a second income when emergencies happen. Also this would help elevate the stress of you doing it all alone with your Cuddle Bug, afford you the luxuries you desire and deserve from time to time. You won’t be rich but you will be helping yourself and others. I know people believe money is the root of all evil but we all need it to survive. There are people/businesses that can benefit from the demographics that follow you. I know there are other platforms, but I am not sure how to keep you privacy using those.
      Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. My crazy life continues to spin on. I believe you have a calling and personally I believe it is bigger than HIV (by no means discrediting your struggle) because once you beat this disease you will still have all of us relating to you going through life as a conquer of more than just this one triumph. I believe that when we know what we need to do and don’t the universe forces us. You are here to serve other as an example of an everyday woman not perfect but making it and together we can find resources and methods to make it a little easier.
      Sending Love your way,
      Yeller (lol)

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    3. Oh my God! Yeller, I missed you so much! Lol.

      Don't you ever run off on me like that again! Oh gosh. Where do I begin... *exhales*

      I guess I'll just keep everything in the same order you wrote in as I respond. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

      1) Thank you for encouraging me to keep writing. I am like you in that area where I sometimes think no one would want to hear what I have to say. It has gotten to the point where I have began to stop taking writing seriously. I don't even check my grammar or punctuation as much as I used to. And you know what they say, if you don't use it, you lose it. So, I encourage you to write whatever it is that you need to express. Even if you have no intentions of sharing it. Some of my best written works were intended to be private and I have ended up bringing them out after years and they were able to bless someone. Put that pen to the paper or your finger tips to the keys.

      I promise, I am still in disbelief that my words have reached so many and has the ability to touch the individuals reading this blog. Still doesn't feel real. I am in the process of living out one of my dreams. Unbelievable...indescribable feeling.

      2)Were you a counselor of some sort when you worked with this man? Could you share a little more detail about the timeline of what took place with him please? Is he okay? I couldn't follow what you wrote. My apologies. He didn't take medication for four years after finding out he had the disease. Then 2 years with you he began taking them? Was he taking the regular prescription drugs or Dr. Sebi's?

      3) I have definitely heard of the Fig Tree briefly a few times. After reading your comment I checked it out. I still haven't looked over it completely. I still have those tabs open in the background as we speak. But I did read more on the reviews page you linked me to. Thank you so much. The Fig Tree is much closer to me and I know from many of Dr. Sebi's videos that he speaks of his wife curing people on her own. So, I will definitely look further into that and post my findings. The wealth of information you took your time out to share with me in just one comment brought me to tears. I appreciate you Yeller.

      4) Wow! That was a very powerful and truthful statement that you made about us, "normal" women, needing help too. You are absolutely correct. So often we get overlooked. Then again, I may be poor and don't even know it. Or even blind to the fact that I am rich. Lol. Either way, I know I also need help sometimes as well. I just get so caught up in the joys of helping others that I seem to neglect myself. I guess most women can relate to that. I guess I just don't fit that "damsel in distress" description.

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    4. 5)What do you suggest we do in order to better support each other? And yes, I have definitely had those not-so-perfect parent moments. Friend, partner, and employee flaws as well. I plead guilty. I am truly honored to be able to shed light on the fact that we are all human and have flaws. Some just hide it better than others.

      6) You seem to be very knowledgeable about a lot of these platforms. How would I use Facebook or YouTube to reach people without disclosing my personal information? Just a question. And how would I be able to help through those platforms? This all sounds very interesting because I am up for it. I am all for helping. What would I post on Facebook and how do sponsorships work? Because I have the option to add sponsors on my blog right now, but I didn't want to take away from the focus of the subject matter and make readers feel pressured or compelled to purchase items from ads or bombarded with pop ups. This is definitely something I will have to look into. I don't want to charge anyone for anything. Dr. Sebi gave his information for free and I want to do the same with mine. Another source of income (not at the expense of my readers) would be a welcomed form of help. As long as my Cuddle Bug is at peace, I am already rich. That is truly all that matters to me. Please explain the dynamics of spnsorship to me when you have a moment. I'll do some research on my end in the meantime.

      7) You are truly helping me to see that calling within myself and I humbly thank you for that. We can all use encouragement at times. You don't know how much of a dream it is of mine to be able to reach out and help people. And it's funny because in all of the years I have had this dream, I never imagined money being a part of it. If there is a way, I would love to help as many people as I can, in as many areas as I can (even outside of HIV) at no cost to them. I want to be transparent and trusted that the words I speak are true and heartfelt. Just the thought of it makes me happy. Stay with me Yeller. I need those positive vibes and guidance. Lol *smiling* One love.

      The Conquering Lion,

      Queen Selah

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  2. Hello! I also rooted for you to come back.
    I want you to stick with it, also for slightly selfish reasons. You represent hope for a lot of people who may have diseases that Western doctors have claimed as incurable. You are now a symbol of holistic health whether you realize it or not. There are lots of people that are beginning to shun Western methods for health and nutrition or even at the stage of questioning it. Dr Sebi is no longer looking like the "outsider" with regards to healing and medicine. I am negative but I am fed up with the Western way. I have had family members die or live in pain with diseases that may have been curable according to Dr. Sebi. So I want to see you win. You win, WE win.

    And after reading your post with your background I want you to win even more for YOU. You have gone thru a hell of a lot and my heart goes out to you. No child should have ever had to endure what you endured. And with you raising your son the way you are he is going to be one awesome young man. Succumbing to not necessarily the disease, but hopelessness and depression can't be the end of your story, Selah.i don't want it to be. I hope YOU don't want it to be, either. You are built a bit differently than the average person, which is not a bad thing. The stuff that you have gone through would have broken down a lot of people. But not you. You are here, thriving at work, successful with your home and being able to raise your son right. Keep fighting. One love,Selah!

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    1. My warmest greetings and thank you for standing with me,

      I must have felt your energy telling me to press on. Your selfishness fuels me. If I have the opportunity, here and now, to ignite hope and bring about inspiration in others for alternative medicine then I shall not take that lightly. I need to seize the moment and make it happen for those who are watching me. I know that not everyone who is reading my blog believes in natural cures. I also know there are just some present to prove Dr. Sebi is a fluke. But if I can just put my mind to it, maybe, just maybe, I can make us all believers.

      Wow! I am at a loss for words. To be a "symbol of holistic" health is an honor not to be taken lightly. I am humbled. Thank you. I would love to bring the victory home for TEAM NATURAL HEALING.

      It says a lot about you to have mentioned my demise being of hopelessness and depression. You are very observant because that is what's really kicking my butt. Worrying. Worrying about how I am going to afford the next package, worrying about making sure my son is happy, well-loved, and receiving enough attention, worrying about my heartache, and all sorts of things that lead me to depression.

      Just the fact that you noticed that made me lift my head up. Thank you.

      Heads High,

      Queen Selah

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  3. This blog entry was so very powerful. Your story should uplift rape victims, survivors of foster care, and molestation. Many people have undergone similar situations, but not all have a platform or the ability to write in such a way to touch others. You not only are strong, but you are thoughtful and very inspirational. Thank you for being you, and allowing me into your world.

    FLJ

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