Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Day 103 - Tuesday, March 1, 2016

I gotta find peace of mind...

That's it! I give up. Today will be my last post. I told you I was tired and felt bad vibes. Well, today I reached my breaking point. I don't care about grammar, spelling, or format at this point. I can barely see the screen through the tears falling down my face. So I am going to make this last post as brief and descriptive as I can bare.

First thing first, I took my son to school, came home and took my treatment. I also made another bromide smoothie using sour sop this time. It turned out just as yummy. I mentally prepared myself to follow the Nutritional Guide 100% from this point forward since I just started a new package and it's the first of the month. I wanted the results to be unobstructed this time.

I decided not to go in to work since I have a doctor's appointment and court today. I already know I am going to be too emotional to have to deal with people in the office. So, I laid in bed dreading the day before me when my co-worker selfishly calls me complaining about her teenage daughter again. I played the therapist role as always until she felt better but I didn't answer any more of her calls for the day. I have my own problems to deal with. She kept texting and asking me to try to make it back to the office because she needs to vent. In my mind I was thinking, that's what you have a husband, sister, mother, father, and in-laws for and all of them live in your house or near by. I knew I wasn't going back.

Around eleven o'clock I headed over to the doctor's office. The first thing the medical assistant did when she walked in was make sure a pharmacy was listed in the computer for me. I  immediately knew that was a bad sign. Shortly after, the doctor walked in and jumped right into the results. She told me I needed to start treatment immediately. I am at risk for PCP pneumonia or something like that. As soon as she started talking, I began to zone out. She said my cell count was at 113 and my viral load was 3,783, or something like that.

I went deaf...

Her lips were moving but I heard absolutely nothing from that point on. She was basically telling me that I could die at any moment. My cell count dropped about 30 units and the viral load stayed about the same. Even though the last specialist that I went to told me that those numbers are not reliable because the tests are not identical each time which causes a wide range each time. He said you can run two labs the same day on one person and have two completely different results off by a large amount. Even though I remember him saying that, my optimism was out the window at this point. I came into this thing full of hope, but now I am empty. 

She prescribed some medication that started with a P, but I wasn't paying attention. She said it's a once a day pill that will have me undetectable in 8 weeks. She said she also needs to get me some vaccines but my immune system is too weak right now. She might as well shove that. I will never agree to vaccines. She also prescribed antibiotics and Vitamin D3 because she said I am at risk for infections that could cause cancer at this point. She said she wants me to live but this news is killing me. They took my blood in the lab to run a genotype test. 

While I was at the office my son called me from school on his cell. He said he was in the cafeteria breaking up a fight and a kid punched him in the face and now he has a bump on his face. Wow! Now, I was pissed. My precious child had a black eye or a bruise! Someone is going to have hell to pay.

I left the office and went straight to his school. His teacher came to get me from the office and brought me the library where they were. She kept telling me he is a sweet boy and he did nothing wrong. He was just trying to help. My eyes welled up but I controlled the tears when I saw the lump under my precious child's eye. The school failed to protect him and he failed to protect himself. It turns out he didn't even hit the child back. My son is a national karate champion. I don't understand why he refuses to defend himself. He told me he didn't want to be the bad guy. I got angry as hell and explained to him the difference between being the aggressor and the victim. I had nothing else to say. At this point I was empty and disappointed. I fear that no matter how smart my son is, he'll never be able to stand on his own because he is too nice and naive.

I signed him out of school early and tried to race to the courthouse. There was traffic everywhere. It was enough to make me cry. My stress levels were through the roof. I made it there ten minutes late. My son had to sit out in the hall for almost an hour while I waited for my case to be called. I was calm until Kevin was called into the courtroom. Then, just like the last time, my body began to involuntarily shake with anger. Rage! I hate him. He deserves to be dead. Him and Anthony both.

Long story short, the judge denied my request for a restraining order because he said he couldn't use the testimony of others, even though they wrote letters. He said that was hearsay. This shit is ridiculous. Kevin used a letter last time and was granted all types of perks in court. He had no concrete evidence and lied his ass off. I didn't even get mad. I am getting used to losing. I thanked the judge and walked out. Fuck it.

My son saw me walk in the hall and said, "What happened mommy? It didn't go good, huh? They denied it?" I told him I was too upset to talk about it. Too upset at the lab results, too upset at the fact that he didn't defend himself, to upset at the outcome of the court hearing, and too upset at the fact that I have fucking AIDS!!!

The story of my life, rushing from one responsibility to the next. I had to fight my way through traffic to get my son to basketball practice now.


I can't do this alone...


My Conclusion:

I am so done with this shit. Dr. Sebi's method might work but I am done with it. His way requires a lot of help and I have absolutely no support system. The few people who claim to want to help only offer the type of help they want to give and not the type that I need. Not to mention that they are rarely ever available or interested in helping. Some of them only ask how I'm doing when I have a breakdown and stop answering my phone. I feel like if they really were concerned about how I was doing they would read my blog. I don't spare any details. I wish I never told anyone that I caught this death trap. I regret letting these people know my sensitive and private information. I stand alone. And being alone is almost impossible to follow the Sebi treatment plan.

I'm not doing it anymore. If you guys recall from the beginning of my blog, I stated that I was doing this because even though I have heard a lot of hoopla about DR. Sebi curing AIDS, I couldn't seem to find ONE testimony of such or any proof. So, I wanted to be the first. I believed in Dr. Sebi's work so much that I even decided to post day to day so everyone could know that my healing was not a lie. But I'm going to eat whatever the hell I want and take these damn killer medications that these monsters prescribe. I give up. I'm going to live my life until I die. I'm gong to stop caring so much. I might even quit my job. I need a fucking break for crying out loud! Is that too much to ask?

I'm tired of being good. I don't want to be that good girl anymore. It's miserable. Righteousness is a lonely, unrewarding path. The wicked are winning. Look at Kevin and Anthony for example.

I'm not taking the treatment anymore. I am going to pack them all away back into the box it was shipped in and take this damn one pill a day until I am undetectable starting tonight. Maybe then, I will think about using the products. But at this point, they are not fast enough and are too expensive for me to be playing around. This flimsy hope is breaking me down. Did I forget to mention that I shit myself when I left the doctor's office today? Yep, that's right. I shit myself. I am an emotional person. This is too much for one woman to bear.

I am sorry if I let anyone down, but I am tired and I have absolutely no help. I'm not saying that Dr. Sebi's stuff is a fluke. I'm just saying that it isn't working for me based on the inconsistency of the test results and my lack of patience. But if you have a support team, by all means try it. I am looking forward to being undetectable in 8 weeks. I need a break...


If any one reading this has been cured or knows someone who has been cured, please leave a comment. Names are not necessary. Everyone is entitled to their privacy.

Farewell family...

29 comments:

  1. I know No words are going to be comforting at this time. I truly wish i could just hug you so you could cry and realease some of tour emotions. Girl, a hug with no extras lol i wish we could be true life sister friends. I going to play lottery so we can get a jackpot to help out with the cost. I know sounds far fetched but its been in my spirit to suggest maybe a go fund me or something. Your son is special and seems very in tune with his surroundings, your prince is going be ok as long as you keep fighting. Fuck blog and everyone else, little man cant see you give up and he will know it if you do! Dont fool yourself! He has to know his mom fought back in life ni matter what. If dont have strength for herself think of him and keep pushing. I was excited for test but i sont think we can trust fully. Listen to your body not dr saying your sick. Pneumonia is nothing but fluid /mucus in lungs. So she may think pneumonia since the mucus is leaving your body. The detox could be throwing labs off depending on toxin being released. Maybe colonic would help with this. I have done twice and felt a difference in body. I dont worry about grammar and punctuation too much either. Lol girl be trying to get all these thoughts out. Plus i will let you know i fot up at 4am for my potty run and had to check to see if you posted since it was lab day. Please at least check our post um sure i wont be the only one on sidelines still cheering. Woot woot. Love ya sister friend. Hugs and more hugs. Blessings and positive vibes

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    1. I could really use a hug too. :-(

      Your comment was so heartwarming. We are already sisters. The fact that you can connect with me from wherever you are shows that your spirit is pure. My son is my life. You know exactly what you are talking about.

      You might be right about the results. But if that is true, I'll have to question the last three results which were in favor of the treatment. It's all just very stressful. My body says I am great! I feel immortal, as if I could live forever. My overall health seems to have been highly elevated since the day I received my diagnosis. I feel even healthier than I was when I played basketball in high school. But as soon as she gave me the news I felt like a corpse. I even crapped in my clothes. I swear emotions are everything. I was not ready for all of this. I set my life up a certain way and had things going just the way I wanted it to. And then, BOOM! Life happened...

      Knowing that you got up to check my blog at four in the morning made me smile. That is so sweet. That makes me feel appreciated for my writing.

      Love you too.

      -Queen Selah

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  2. Honey don't worry about me. Im over here crying because you feel defeated enough to quit on life. You have to belive you have a purpose . Your son is so special and divine and so are you. Today is new day QUEEN. Blessings,positive vibes and bunches of hugs

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    1. I'm crying too. The fact that you are crying lets me know that I have been doing a pretty good job at illustrating my life in detail, to the point where others feel it.

      Do you really believe I have a purpose? If so, what do you think that is?

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    2. I think we have many purposes in life. I know personally when i found your blog it was hope for me. I work in Healthcare and see how it is all about making money not really helping and healing people. I have never been one for medicine and started looking into ways to help some digestive issues with different herbs and changing eating habits. I saw such a change in my own life, it makes me want to show others that there is hope other then pills or insulin their whole life. So again for own selfish reasons i thought this queen is going to be all the proof i will need. I thank you for being a push i needed to keep looking for avenue to help community and make a little extra income to help my own family. (Herb store,juice bar ) something in lower income neighborhood other then local carryout. I havent met you or your precious son but he is something special. He needs your guidance to reach his potential. Oh how i want to hug you, i dont need your help.lol i want to ask for some financial assistance or something for you. You need help and wont ask. I just want to see if we can relieve some of your stress. Please dont be offended, i know that you are a strong young lady but we all need help and break sometimes

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    3. H-O-P-E

      Hope!

      My purpose may be to spark hope in others... I can see that. I do enjoy helping selflessly at times as you pointed out. I love to help, but have a very hard time asking for any. I was hoping to help heal people as well, once I cured myself. But that isn't looking so promising right now. I saw many changes in my overall health as well. This one test result just really threw me off though. It hurt me to the core.

      If I was able to cause you to have hope and if I could be an example to prove there is healing outside of conventional medicine, then maybe I should go on. You gave me a lot to think about. Thank you.

      It's funny how help is so hard to come by, but even harder to ask for...

      -Selah

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  3. I am on some sebi groups on facebook can i please ask for some assistance on your behalf. Please let see if we can figure something out. Positive vibes as always sis

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    1. What assistance do you need? I am here to help.

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    2. Lol i just want to hug you and im not even a hugger. But that all my spirit wants to do is hug you and let you cry and realease all that build up anger. I thought of asking for help on your next package or something.

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    3. By all means, you can do as you please on your Facebook group. But can you start by sending me that hug? I could really use one right now. I appreciate you.

      XOXOXOXOXOXO

      Gratefully,

      Selah

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  4. I am so sad that you have decided to stop posting. While your blog is inspiring, it sounds like you do a lot for others instead of yourself which can be draining. Start telling these people "NO." It's okay to do this and start setting boundaries. Your coworker sounds very inconsiderate asking you to come to work so she vent to you. It's okay to tell her "not right now, I'm going through something."if you are able to, I think you need time off. It sounds like throughout this process you have constantly worked and not had time off for more than a day or two. I am not claiming to know your life but based on what you have posted it seems like you got your diagnosis, and kept right on with life without taking some time away to really rest. Please just don't give up,Selah. I am in tears reading your post.Though you may feel those immediately around are not here, there are so many of us that read your blog that are rooting for you.

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    1. You are 100% correct. I do a great deal for others. You readers are all I have on this journey. You all motivate me by commenting and following so closely. Unfortunately, taking time off is not an option at the moment. I owe my son a trampoline for his excellent grades and testing scores in school, so I have to grind hard. And if I continue to take Sebi's treatment packages I have to keep that extra money in the bank. No wiggle room at this moment. And you are very observant. I didn't take any days off when I found out about my diagnosis. I just kept showing up to work and breaking down until I got it under control.

      My readers keep me sane. You all are so supportive and understanding. I will think my decision over and let you know.

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  5. Sista you are on my mind. We will fight with all we have. Don't let nobody still your joy. You didn't get this for no reason you arr strong. Its not from anything you did either sis. There is a conspiracy amongst our people. 360° trust me you are not alone its just people dont want to admit it. I love you my sista and you are going to be ok. Keep on the herbs. Take your break and pic them back up. There is Life in the struggle we all we GOT. ❤

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    1. Thank you for your kind words. Maybe that's what I need to do. Take a much needed break. I'm going to finally read Dr. Sebi's book that I purchased and see if that encourages me to continue. Your words really touched me. Thank you.

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  6. Strange I wrote you a very long note yesterday after reading about your frustration with life as a whole. I guess the powers that be knew you needed to hear me today not yesterday :). You are my friend I have never met. I can relate to your lack of close friendships, feeling as if everyone wants to give you there problems but never take the time to hear about you, the transition to natural hair and using Dr. Sebi methods to better our lives. I read the post today and I just wanted to yell at you, not a mean yell but I love you and you gotta get it together yell. You are a strong and beautiful woman and I know that you are just having a small slump. sometimes when we are feeling down the smallest defeats can set us over the edge. I know that you are here not just to encourage those with and illness but the everyday woman who needs to see an example of herself and know we are not alone and that the world does not hate use that it's just life. Maybe you need a Facebook group or a chat group and we could support and interact with you directly. I do believe you need encouragement and support through this. I have been reading since almost day one and several times I wanted to reached out but didn't want to seem creepy or invasive. I know there are many more like me that if we can't do anything else we can be listening ears and encouraging mouths. Do whatever you need to take care of yourself and the little man, but know that life is not meant to be conquered alone. I hear people say I don't need anyone but we all do, just have to find the right ones. Please stay strong, we are here not only for you but with you!

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    1. Listen, let me first start off by saying it feels really good to be thought of so kindly by a complete stranger, enough to have written me a note because I was feeling down. Thank you. I appreciate you and the space in your thoughts you have loaned out to my well-being.

      You explained my situation perfectly to the core. It's okay to yell at me. Sometimes tough love is necessary. Lol. The part of your comment about just having a little slump causing minor defeats to be magnified was very valid and uplifting. That may very well be the issue.

      Wow! And to be a source of encouragement for the every day woman is an honor as well as a sense of empowerment for myself. Thank you for saying that.

      Lol. You're not creepy or invasive for thinking that. And maybe I will look into creating that Facebook page as you mentioned.

      Continue to stand with me. I appreciate the support.

      Love,

      Queen Selah

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  7. You know what I believe in you. I dont know how Dr Sebi or his kids have a cure and will not help unless you pay they are. NO better than big Pharma. Cures should be free it would be better if yhey provided you how too. Im sad about the fact they dont help more snd money is the root of all evil. You will be alright many are choosen but only a few are worthy... Take care of you allow yourself tome to heal mend and cry. Take your soul to the laundry may. Then pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Sometimes we need to spend time by ourselves to get bsck to ourselves. We walk through life with blinders on in relationships. This was to wake us up. After you win the nattle no body will be able to touch you with a 10ft pole
    God Bless you Beloved.

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    1. You are definitely right about one thing. Dr. Sebi's office could definitely do a better job at providing instructions or directions on how to cure your disease using his products. A lot of them are really making him look bad. I don't think they truly represent what he stands for.

      Lol. I'm tired of going to the laundry mat. My soul is getting dingy and worn out.

      You make me feel triumphant. Victorious! I could only hope that you will be there with me to take my victory lap once I beat this thing.

      I hope this was just a wake up call to take the blinders off. I believe no one will be able to touch me with a 10 ft pole, as you put it, once this is all over.

      Thank you for taking your time out to encourage me.

      Love,

      Queen Selah

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  8. GM are you ok? Sorry for the typos anove i was just upset at the fact people say they can help and wont for a fee.

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    1. I'm not okay yet. But I am getting better. Thank you for asking. I don't pay typos any attention.

      Selah

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  9. They checking for G6 Dificiency to see if you can take sulfa drugs. Try to get as much sun as you can. Abd search foods that have vit. D in them. Also try to build your system up Queen you dont want hep C B A or any of that shit. Make them do a complete STD screen Sista. Also check your Thymus gland. 9 chances out of 10 that is where the problem Lie. I Love you be strong peace and blessings you are not alone. Huggs and kisses xoxoxoxo.

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    1. Thank you. I'll make a mental note to get a healthy dosage of sun each day. How do I build my system up though? My last doctor already did a complete STD screening. If and/or when I am cured, I will post all of my lab results and documentation at the end of my blog. I promise all of my readers that because proof is in documentation.

      Thank you for all of your help.

      XOXOXOXO

      Queen Selah

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  10. Research Coenzyme 10 and ooregano im researching any and all herbs that combat this. For you and I . Im glad you are on good spirits. Xoxo Keep your head UP.....

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    1. Okay, so this is what I found concerning the Coenzyme Q10. Now I see why you suggested it:

      Overview

      Coenzyme Q10 (CoQ10) is a substance that helps convert food into energy. CoQ10 is found in almost every cell in the body, and it is a powerful antioxidant.

      Antioxidants fight damaging particles in the body known as free radicals, which damage cell membranes, tamper with DNA, and even cause cell death. Scientists believe free radicals contribute to the aging process, as well as a number of health problems, including heart disease and cancer. Antioxidants, such as CoQ10, can neutralize free radicals and may reduce or even help prevent some of the damage they cause.

      Some researchers believe that CoQ10 may help with heart-related conditions, because it can improve energy production in cells, prevent blood clot formation, and act as an antioxidant.

      Uses

      Some studies suggest that coenzyme Q10 supplements, either by themselves or in with other drug therapies, may help prevent or treat the following conditions:

      Other

      Preliminary clinical studies also suggest that CoQ10 may:

      Improve immune function in people with HIV or AIDS

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  11. *Coenzyme Q 10
    Xoxoxoxo

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    1. Health Benefits of Oregano:

      Oregano has been gaining popularity as a natural remedy, though its use as a health-boosting herb is centuries old. It contains high amounts of Omega-3s, Iron, Manganese, and antioxidants.

      Its Essential Oil is well known in natural health communities for its antibacterial properties, and it is even being studied by the mainstream medical community for its potential benefits. It is considered to be antibacterial, antiparasitic, antiseptic, antiviral and immune stimulating.

      Like the fresh herb, Oregano Oil has very high amounts of antioxidants. It is often used internally during illness, and externally for skin infections (including yeast) though it should be diluted before use. Due to potency, it is important to check with a qualified specialist or practitioner before using this or any other herb, especially during pregnancy or breastfeeding.

      I’ve used a drop of oregano oil in my daily oil pulling routine to help promote healthy gums.

      According to this article:

      Studies have shown its usefulness against candida albicans, aspergillus mold, staph infections, vaginal infections, pseudomonas and listeria. A study from the US Department of Agriculture showed that the essential oils presented antimicrobial activities against Salmonella and E.coli. Other research holds the same, stating that oregano oil is such a powerful antimicrobial that it can be used to preserve food. Studies from the Department of Food Science at the University of Tennessee and the University of the Algarve found that similar results for oregano’s antibacterial action on pathogenic germs.

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  12. No, don't give up! Fight!

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    1. I'm still fighting Michelle. Thank you.

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  13. So glad you didn't give up. It's so gut-wrenching hearing that you desired help and I couldn't help you. I wish I could have taken your son for a day or 2 so you could sleep. Your body heals itself during sleep and that may be partly why you were so tired.

    FLJ

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