Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Day 96 - Tuesday, February 23, 2016

-Lauryn Hill

I am Superwoman!!!

Victory! Victory! Oh, sweet victory! I am back on the food horse. I successfully made it through the day without cheating. I drank two smoothies and snacked on sliced bananas for the first part of my day. In the evening, I made mushroom and chick pea spaghetti with quinoa noodles. I was exhausted, but I challenged myself to eat right for at least one day in order to get the ball back rolling in the right direction again.

I have been extremely tired for the last two days. I have went straight to sleep directly after work. Since I found out I had this disease, I become nervous when I am tired. I don't know if I am just tired because I need rest, or if it's the disease weakening my system. I get scared sometimes. But I slept for hours today and yesterday after work.

My next doctor's appointment is in seven days! Ugh! I am excited and afraid at the same time. I'm excited because I get to monitor my progress or the lack thereof. However, I'm afraid because I don't want to get my hopes up. Despite all of the progress I have received by using Dr. Sebi's products I still get nervous before appointments because I fear the progress may be a hoax or a mistake. This final visit will convince me because I know I didn't eat 100% right after my last blood draw. Don't get me wrong, I believe in Dr. Sebi. It's just that in my life I never seem to be that lucky. I'm always that 1% exception to the rule when there is something negative potentially at bay. I can't wait to get this over with. The suspense is killing me!

This hair thing is kicking my butt! I may be taking on too many changes at once. I'm on this great enlightening journey which involves changing my eating habits, focusing on my heal, healing myself of this allegedly "fatal" disease, becoming more spiritual, loving myself more, getting over heartbreak and heartache, and transitioning from permed to natural hair. It is a lot, but I could handle it much better if I could just get my house and work space more organized. My house looks like my brain right now...scrambled.

I love her!!!!! My idol.

Honestly, sometimes I forget I am sick. I oftentimes have to remind myself that I have an allegedly "life threatening illness." I feel so good all of the time and I look great. So, it's a bit misleading. Not to mention that I usually stay to myself, so I have no reason to constantly think about my condition. I guess that can be viewed as a great thing.

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I was cleaning out apps and other items from my phone in order to free up some memory when I ran across a picture of Anthony and I kissing while out to dinner. The picture was taken in March of 2015. This was around the time that I received my last HIV test result of negative. Anthony had just started working a new construction job that he was very happy about because he was proud to be able to finally make enough to be able to take my son and I out EVERY weekend and assist with the bills. He used to try to match my salary, but that would never happen. I made way more than him even when he got two jobs.

But he didn't understand that I loved him just because of the way he loved me. I loved his effort and drive to provide for me and my son and his constant dedication to protecting us. He was my rock that just needed a little grooming. There were many days that I had to be tough on him, yell at him, and sometimes even kick him out. He lacked guidance and discipline but I felt like I should give it to him instead of giving up on him. I strongly believe that discipline and correction is a part of love.

There were times when we were alone on the beach at night, because that was our favorite spot, or just laying in each other's arms in bed, when he would caress my cheeks with the back of his hands or his lips, and tell me how much he appreciates all that I do for him, and the way I was tough on him. He said girls always give him what he wants and he never has to do anything. He said he never gave a girl money before or helped them with any kind of bill. He said he doesn't date females with children but he fell in love with me and is doing all of the above. Anthony always says that I changed him. He tells his family that I changed him all the time. But I guess I couldn't keep him from messing with a man on a consistent basis. He left him alone for almost a year, based on my research. But I guess something made him go back. I guess the pressure of having a family and accountability became too much for him. I don't want him back. I could never get over what he did and the way he hurt me. But who would have ever thought that he was gay??? Definitely not me.

These are the thoughts that constantly plague me without warning. But, I don't think I am ready to get rid of our pictures. It never ceases to amaze me just how strong and forgiving love can be...

Later that night, I dreamed of us. I dreamed of us just how we used to each other's arms.

That's it! I'm never going to sleep again!!! Lol.

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My new package arrived in the mail today from Dr. Sebi's office. I think I will begin taking it on the weekend or Thursday the earliest. I need to organize my life and home first. Taking these products are a very demanding task. I will take a picture of all of the items that come in the package and post it in one of my upcoming blogs.

Peace and love everyone.

-Queen Selah


  1. Hoping you are doing ok. I worry when you dont post. Blessings and positive vibes

    1. Health-wise, I am doing spectacular! It's just emotions taking me over. Thank you for the nudge. I will post now.