Monday, February 22, 2016

Day 94 - Sunday, February 21, 2016

Reminder: My next doctor's appointment is on March 1st! So stay tuned my loves.

The craziest thing happened today. I was cleaning out my house and trying to throw away old clothes that I can't fit anymore and get my house organized when I found two of Anthony's sweaters hanging up in my closet. I don't what came over me, but when I took one off of the hanger and held it in my hands, I felt him. I felt his presence. I felt that strong overpowering feeling of love that I always felt when we were together. It was radiating through his sweater if that is even possible.

I looked down at the fabric in my hands as warm tears filled up the wells of my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I sobbed and held the sweater to my face, inhaling his scent, as I leaned on the closet door for support. Do I miss him? Do I miss the IDEA if him? Do I miss what we had? Do I miss who I was and how I felt when I was with him? I don't even know. I'm not sure about much lately. All I know is that I was hurt deep down somewhere that I keep trying to cover up and forget about

Then I felt dumb and weak for crying over this asshole. The asshole I loved. The asshole who loved me the best way he knew how. And I violently threw his sweaters in the trash. I remember when I was throwing out all of his other clothes, I held on to those to sleep with. I loved him. But that was at a weaker point in my journey. I can handle letting go now.

Then, I began to clean out my car. I keep a lot of things in my car for some reason. No matter how much I try, I have always had this problem with every car I have had. I guess I live in fear f being homeless or something of that sort, even though I am no where near homeless now. I have two cars (fully paid off), a great career, and a house. So, as I begin to remove items from the trunk, right behind my basketball, I found a white box. The box had Anthony's mother's name on it. Oh my god! I lost my breath for a moment.

This was the ashes of Anthony's dead mother. I asked him if he was going to come get them when I first kicked him out, but he was too ashamed to respond. I told him I was going to throw them out. The only thing that stopped me was my brother. He told me that wasn't right. But my brother is a turn the other cheek type of person and I'm an, "I only have TWO cheeks" type of person. And I've already used both of them in this situation by not killing him. 

I leaned against the gate and looked at the box of ashes in my trunk. She passed away in July of 2006 and was still being stored in the bag and box from the crematorium. No one cared enough about her to buy an urn to place her in. The box was beat up and brown as if someone had spilled coffee on it. When Anthony's step-father died in October of 2015, I believe it was, I encouraged him to get her ashes. No one else was going to get them and they were just going to be thrown out with the rest of his things. He finally listened and I took him to retrieve them.

This was creepy for me but I remained strong because I loved Anthony. He would bring up his mom from time to time when he would get down. So, I thought it would be a good idea for him to keep her. There were times after we brought her home with us that he would lay on the couch in the living room next to her ashes just to have some alone time with her.

Welp, as I said earlier, I only have two cheeks and he has exhausted bot of them. He never came to get her and I owe him no loyalties at this point. She has been riding around in the trunk of my car for months now. I took her out of the house in November. It's time for her to go. So, I dumped her in the trash receptacle and brought the bin to the street for trash collection in the morning. No more loyalty is what I had to keep telling myself to keep from feeling guilty and crying.

No more loyalty...

I took my treatment today, watched Grey's Anatomy, and prepped my hair for the twist out. That's the look I am going for.


  1. Im natural too and I love the look of a good twistout, Im so lazy, my arms just get so tired while doing it, lol. Good luck

    1. Did you transition from permed/relaxed hair to natural? Or were you always natural? Mine didn't come out that well. I think I'm going to try again.

  2. that is fucked up