Friday, February 19, 2016

Day 91 - Thursday, February 18, 2016

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Today was another emotional day. I am depressed. I am Wonder Woman. I wonder when this foolishness will be over for good. I had to have another meeting to attend my son's basketball games and practice. The life of a single mother. My dad called and we spoke for a while. He's trying to have a bond with me but I just don't feel it. He's really understanding and supportive about my disease. I feel like he holds no judgment against me for it. However, regardless of how nice he seems, I just can't seem to forgive him for not being there when I was a child...when I needed him. 

That absence shaped a very large portion of my life. That's why I'm working overtime to be there for my son in every area that he needs me. Not just physically present.

Whenever my posts are short that means I am going through something emotional.

Bear is pressing me really hard for something more than a friendship and I'm just not feeling it. That made me cry more to realize that that part of me is dead. The desire for companionship is COMPLETELY DEAD! That used to be the greatest part of me. So, I cry. I cry because I am losing parts of myself due to what Anthony did to me. I now have no doubt that I will be cured. Probably sooner than I initially thought. But even then, I doubt that I will want to have a relationship with anyone. I am scarred.

And he just keeps pressing. Not disrespectfully, but pressing nonetheless. I have trained myself to never overlook anything ever again. So, as he speaks, all I am thinking about is the fact that he is not offering any help with my son's basketball situation that I am having with the coaches and the director of the league. I am paying attention to the fact that he doesn't offer to bring food when he comes by. I pay attention to the fact that he doesn't bring in my garbage cans when he comes over. How can I take him seriously? I'll just be settling or setting myself up to have to train another man again and I AM COMPLETELY DONE WITH THAT! 

So, I cry..........

I cry to myself and cut everyone off who doesn't mean me well. That usually just leaves me with myself.

So, I cry..........

Bear kept trying to come to my house. He called numerous times and I declined the call. I told him I just need some time alone with my thoughts. But he's pressing. I turned my phone off and he popped up to my house at 5:30 in the morning. I ignored all the knocks he did on my front and backdoor. He was completely out of line.

I took my treatment today.

I need help but I don't trust anyone. My soul and spirit is too precious. I will get through this the best way I know how...alone...

I went to sleep listening to this song on repeat while I cried...


6 comments:

  1. You must remain strong Queen. This disease was a life lesson. ( I say was because you will heal yourself ).. Bear seem like a selfish man, keep your distance from him...

    Sue

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    1. I love how close I feel to you guys. Thank you for that. "Was" is the perfect word to use for my situation. I find myself feeling that way as well. Disease was a lesson, no doubt. I will come out on the other side of it as a new woman.

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  2. I like the pix and quotes. They are energizing, positive, and I should say alkalising to the thought process

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    1. Thank you. I didn't think anyone noticed.

      *smiling*

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  3. Girl dont be sad or mad that you know your value. You having the strength to not cave in to their bs speaks volumes. You dont need no negative vibes. If the dude cant even grab the trash can says it all!

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    1. Lol. I know right? I thought I was being a bit too deep on the garbage can thing. I know if I asked, he would have taken them in the yard with no problem. But, I feel like I should not have to. When a person truly cares about you, they'll look for ways to help you or make your life at least a little less stressful.

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