Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Day 86 - Saturday, February 13, 2016

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Today was not a good day either. I lost my cool at my son's basketball game. The refs were being unfair and allowing a player from the other team to be abusive toward every player on my son's team. This kid had not messed with my son yet but after complaining to the ref and the coaches without any response, I told my son if they hit him to hit them back. And that is exactly what he did. Once my son hit the abusive player everyone ran out onto the court. All of a sudden they were paying attention. The big bully didn't hit back this time. What a surprise? 

The ref, who is also the director of the league, began trying to yell at me for my language. But I shut him down and told him to do his job and speak with me later. He refused to address his staff or the disorderly player. He was honed in on me. Eventually, he told me he was kicking my son out of the league. I lost it! How is that fair that my son gets kicked out with no warning for MY ACTIONS? He said my son did nothing wrong, so why is he being punished? There was no alternative offered. Just kick him right out! Hmm...

He didn't want to talk about it or discuss it on any level. He made his decision. So, I apologized to my son and continued to go off on the staff. By the time I turned around, there was a Spanish parent speaking to the director. I walked over and listened in on the conversation. She was telling him that that kid was terrorizing all of their children the entire game and it's not fair for my son to be kicked out.

Well, he agreed to let my son back in the league but I am not allowed to show up to any of the games or practices. Isn't that funny how as long as a Spanish person says it, it is accepted? Racism at its finest and today just wasn't the day. When we got in the car my son told me thank you for standing up for him. I told him, always...

If a man was present, none of that would have happened. but I left it alone. Regardless of what he said, I will be out there with my son at every practice and every game. My son is an angel and I am his guardian.

I took my treatment today.

I also forgot to mention that one if my exes popped up at my house tonight. Let's call him "Bear" for privacy sake. I call him that because he looks like a little muscular teddy bear. Anyway, so Bear did a drop-in without calling and for some reason I wasn't mad. I have never drank alcohol in my life and I don't really care for being around people when they do. Bear was drinking and went in to my bedroom. He laid on the bed while talking to me. I had never seen him tipsy before so this was new for me. I sat on the side of the bed and talked to him for a while.

Then he asked me to cuddle with him. Anyone who knows me. knows that cuddling is my weakness. Cuddling is better than sex. Cuddling is better than hearing the words, "I love you." Cuddling is to feel safe and protected. Cuddling is intimate and that is why I refused to do it with him. As much as I wanted to lay in the arms of my Bear, I declined. I didn't want to develop feelings. A shoulder to cry on becomes a d**k to ride on. Having an emotional attachment to anyone at this point could turn out to be very detrimental to my progress. I have to be wise and fight the feelings at all times. If I am too afraid to disclose my status to a person then I shouldn't be getting emotionally attached to them. Obviously I don't trust them enough or I don't feel that they love me enough to look past my TEMPORARY ailment.

So, I just continued to sit there while he laid in my bed and I talked him to sleep. Once I heard the Bear snoring, I went to sit on my porch in the beautiful new reclining lawn furniture I had just purchased. I became a little sad, but not too much. This is a lonely disease. The fact that Anthony hurt me so badly by his deceitful double-life, nine times out of ten, once I am cured, I still won't be anxious for a relationship with anyone. So, it's not so much that I am lonely, because I am not, it's more so that I am restricted because I do care about the health and emotionally well-being of others.

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