Monday, February 29, 2016
Day 102 - Monday, February 29, 2016
Happy Leap Year!!!
Despite all of the progress I have made, I am truly just tired of this whole ordeal and feel like throwing in the towel. Not on my life, but this fight all together. Throwing in the towel on being Mrs. Responsible. And I said "Mrs." because I am married to responsibility without the option of getting a divorce.
I just don't want to try anymore. I don't want to write this blog anymore. I don't want to be angry at Anthony anymore. I don't want to take treatments anymore. I don't want to go to work or the wash house anymore. I don't want to get out of bed and make my own alkaline meals anymore.
I just want to roam free and live. Let my body and this disease take whatever course it may. I'm tired of fighting it. I'm tired of taking all of those herbs and tonics. I'm tired of doing everything on my own. I'm tired of paying all of these bills and being so worn out and empty that I can't find the time or money to enjoy myself with my son. If I am dying, this will be no way to go. I'm tired of getting nervous every time I have to go to the doctor because I am afraid I am going to receive bad news. I'm tired of being hurt, deceived, and misunderstood. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of these mood swings. I'm tired of undercover faggots ruining people's lives. I'm tired of pretending to be happy.I'm tired of being a great person in a cold world. HIV/AIDS isn't that harsh of a disease, This is what I have learned. I am just utterly tired.
Words can't begin to explain how I feel. I think I mask my struggles so well that people are really starting to believe that I am so strong that HIV/AIDS doesn't bother me. I am strong by force, not by choice.
I feel like letting nature take its course with the rest of this disease. I don't even know if I will be able to afford this package next month. Having this disease is not cool. It is very challenging and lonely. It is hard to trust people. People say they will be there for you but as soon as you turn your head, they sneak away, never to be seen again. That is, until THEY NEED SOMETHING AS IF I'M NOT THE ONE WHO IS DYING!
I want to just stop. I'm coming down with a cold from the show on Saturday but I'm too tired to care or be afraid.
I made it through my work day and had to play the shrink/therapist for my co-workers as always. If only they knew how deep my own problems are. They wouldn't be bombarding me with this mess.
Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment and court date against Kevin. Jah, give me strength.