Monday, February 29, 2016

Day 102 - Monday, February 29, 2016

Happy Leap Year!!!

Image result for quotes about being tired
Despite all of the progress I have made, I am truly just tired of this whole ordeal and feel like throwing in the towel. Not on my life, but this fight all together. Throwing in the towel on being Mrs. Responsible. And I said "Mrs." because I am married to responsibility without the option of getting a divorce.

I just don't want to try anymore. I don't want to write this blog anymore. I don't want to be angry at Anthony anymore. I don't want to take treatments anymore. I don't want to go to work or the wash house anymore. I don't want to get out of bed and make my own alkaline meals anymore. 

I just want to roam free and live. Let my body and this disease take whatever course it may. I'm tired of fighting it. I'm tired of taking all of those herbs and tonics. I'm tired of doing everything on my own. I'm tired of paying all of these bills and being so worn out and empty that I can't find the time or money to enjoy myself with my son. If I am dying, this will be no way to go. I'm tired of getting nervous every time I have to go to the doctor because I am afraid I am going to receive bad news. I'm tired of being hurt, deceived, and misunderstood. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of these mood swings. I'm tired of undercover faggots ruining people's lives. I'm tired of pretending to be happy.I'm tired of being a great person in a cold world. HIV/AIDS isn't that harsh of a disease, This is what I have learned. I am just utterly tired.

Words can't begin to explain how I feel. I think I mask my struggles so well that people are really starting to believe that I am so strong that HIV/AIDS doesn't bother me. I am strong by force, not by choice.



Image result for quotes about being tired I feel like letting nature take its course with the rest of this disease. I don't even know if I will be able to afford this package next month. Having this disease is not cool. It is very challenging and lonely. It is hard to trust people. People say they will be there for you but as soon as you turn your head, they sneak away, never to be seen again. That is, until THEY NEED SOMETHING AS IF I'M NOT THE ONE WHO IS DYING!

I want to just stop. I'm coming down with a cold from the show on Saturday but I'm too tired to care or be afraid.

Image result for quotes about being tired but keep going

I made it through my work day and had to play the shrink/therapist for my co-workers as always. If only they knew how deep my own problems are. They wouldn't be bombarding me with this mess.

Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment and court date against Kevin. Jah, give me strength.

20 comments:

  1. Hugs and more hugs. You cant give up, you have that prince of yours to keep fighting. For my own selfish reasons i would hate not to read your blog. I want to witness your healing and be one of your cheerleaders in battle. Today is the 1 so i cant wait to see your lab results. You got this. Blessings and positive vibes

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    1. Allow me to personally apologize in advance for letting you down with today's post. I know you haven't read it yet because I just posted it. I am sorry.

      -Queen Selah

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  2. Be strong my sista I feel your pain. I AM only a vessel that's trying to heal. You are divine ortherwise you would have feel off long ago. Keep up the good work keep faith. You are not alone many of our brother's and sister's are choosen. But we are headed in the right direction. Im going to keep up with you ❤❤❤��

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    1. Thank you for the love, but I fell off today. Your comment was very deeply rooted and spiritual. I truly appreciate that. People have told me that I caught this disease just so that I could beat it and show the world that the herbs are for the healing of the nation and that you can heal yourself. But I am tired. I do everything on my own. Fighting everyday is beginning not to fit into my schedule.

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  3. You go a day before me for results. We have to be each others Fan's blessed

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    1. Please let me know how yours goes. Mine was horrible! Are you taking meds, Sebi's treatment, both, or none?

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  4. I have read your post since about the 3rd day. I was searching for reviews of Dr. Sebi products and fortunately found you. I have been saying I want to send you some written love because while I do not know the pain of having a possibly lethal medical condition; I do relate to so many other things you are dealing with from not having close friends, transitioning to natural hair, and using/believing in Dr. Sebi products. Today I am writing because I just want you know I am out here believing in you and the process. Please don't give up! We are all out here in cyberspace getting so much motivation and inspiration from you. I know you don't need that pressure, lol. You have a team who is rooting for you and you need to know that. Thanks for sharing your life with us. Stay encouraged, you have already beaten this in your mind so I know your body will follow.

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  5. Love to both of you. Keep fighting. Blesings and positive vibes

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  6. Both boo thats why I know we go be ok. Im undetectable and my rna is negative so im trying to figur out why must i continue on meds. But its money i dont believe in HIV or Aids I feel they have injected us at some point or another. You cant trust them. Who tells a patient that there is nothing u can do? Lets keep working together. ������

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    1. Wow! Congratulations! That is truly inspiring. I need some encouraging at times as well. What is RNA? Sorry, I'm new to this.

      The doctor told me that once I start taking the medication I have to take it EVERY day or else my body will develop an immunity to it because it is a very smart disease. I was thinking, of course it's a smart disease. It is man-made! These people are something else.

      How long have you been undetectable, if you don't mind me asking? I need a reason to continue to fight. Once I get to a certain level to where I have consistently undetectable for over 6 months, I think I will discontinue treatment. It makes no sense to continue to pump your body full of things it doesn't need (doctor's meds). I'm going to take this time to finally read Dr. Sebi's book, "Sojourn to Honduras, Sojourn to Healing." And I just ordered his other one which actually has the proof of documentation of the patients he has healed from AIDS. The book is entitled, "Seven Days in USHA Village: A Conversation with Dr. Sebi." I can't wait to read that one.

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  7. Your gonna be ok and I been undetectable for 7 mos. Viral load less than 20 copies in my blood stream. RNA log is negative. Research RNA log to get a clear picture. I hope to meet you one day so we can beat this shit together. Don't you give up on me. Faith the size of a mustard seed . You have a son to take care of. You need some time off so you can get your mind and thoughts together you are not a monster you are a beautiful Queen Ive never seen you but I know you are for whatever reason.A Survivor honey we got this....

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    1. You are pretty much healed. ��

      What will it take for you to consider yourself cured? Would your viral load have to come back at zero? I have to do research after each time I speak with you. ��

      I assumed undetectable meant zero copies, but I guess not. I will have to look into that. My next question is, if you took a rapid test, would it come back "negative"? Is that considered undetectable?

      -Queen Selah ��

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  8. a lot of benefit from the above article, and hopefully this article can be a reliable source of all other resources. Thank you very much. Obat Tradisional Untuk Limpa Bengkak

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  9. Laugh through the pain. The nbi is a good resource to use. The c4 c8 c38 cells T cells as well. RNA LOG TELLS COPIES AND VIRAL LOAD RESEARCH IT SO U KNOW WHAT TO TELL THEM WHEN U GO BACKBTO THE DR. ALSO I GEEL THE THYMUS GLAND HAS MUCH TO DO WITH IT. THE IMMUNE SYSTEM COLON LYMPH SYSTEM NEEDS TO BE CLEANED OUT.

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    1. I'm going to look into that right now. Thank you.

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  10. This blog is becoming a great source of info, Selah. Whether you realize it or not.

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    1. I guess I didn't realize it. Thank you for pointing that out.

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  11. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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