Thursday, January 28, 2016

Day 70 - Thursday, January 28, 2016

"Obstacles are put in your way to see if what you want is really worth fighting for."
-Unknown
I finally called in to work this morning. I couldn't take it anymore. But I didn't tell my boss I have cancer. I'm still holding off on that one. I was just feeling really down about taking all of my meds yet again! I wanted to give up this morning. I am tired. And although I'm not hungry, my body still can't take any foods. That's scary.

I told my boss I wasn't feeling well and that I would be in later. I told him that I had been feeling sick all week. I took my Gifted son to school and fought my way through the rest of my treatment with tears in my eyes. I need someone to come take care of me, but I don't want my brothers to worry. So, I suck it up and keep it to myself. 

I finally made it to work and had a ton of work waiting for me. I dove right into it but I had to go back and forth to my home to use the bathroom as always!!! I'm so tired of this. I want to give up. On my way back to work for the second time, I sat in the parking lot and cried my eyes out. I don't deserve this. It's not fair. I will be so unfairly judged by every new person I meet because of this bullshit ass disease (until I'm cured). It's not fair... 

It's not fair...

I cried until I was empty inside. Then I picked myself up and went into the building. A few minutes later I had to go again. I drove home and cried in my driveway this time. I really have to get active. Ease my mind.

I went back to work to wrap up my assignments and really considered quitting if it wasn't for the fact that I may need to purchase more packages. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and the only way to feel relief is to do something hurtful to someone else. I'm leaving work early and going home to do what I've been doing almost the entire week, sleeping...



Time
Dr. Sebi Product
Dosage
Form
8:00 AM
Banju
2 tbsp in the A.M. & P.M.
Tonic
8:00 AM
Iron Plus
2 tbsp in the A.M. & P.M.
Tonic
8:00 AM
Bio Ferro
3 capsules in the A.M. & P.M.
Capsules
8:00 AM
Bromide Plus
4 capsules daily
Capsules
8:00 AM
Chelation 2
2 capsules in the A.M. & P.M.
Capsules
8:00 AM
Estro
4 capsules daily
Capsules
8:00 AM
Fucus
2 capsules in the A.M. & P.M.
Capsules
8:00 AM
Green Food
4 capsules daily
Capsules
8:00 AM
Lupulo
Add ½ tsp. in one ounce of water, take 3 times daily.
Tonic
8:00 AM
Lymphalin
3 capsules in the A.M. & P.M.
Capsules
8:00 AM
Viento
4 capsules daily
Capsules

Image result for overcoming challenges quotes

I know I'm stronger than this. I'm just tired of fighting. Tired of ALWAYS fighting. After each victory, what do I get? Another damn fight!

Time
Dr. Sebi Product
Dosage
Form
10:00 PM
Banju
2 tbsp in the A.M. & P.M.
Tonic
10:00 PM
Iron Plus
2 tbsp in the A.M. & P.M.
Tonic
10:00 PM
Bio Ferro
3 capsules in the A.M. & P.M.
Capsules
10:00 PM
Lily of the Valley
Pour 1 cup of boiling water to 1/8 tsp of powder, let cool and drink.
Powder
10:00 PM
Chelation 2
2 capsules in the A.M. & P.M.
Capsules
10:00 PM
Fucus
2 capsules in the A.M. & P.M.
Capsules
10:00 PM
Lupulo
Add ½ tsp. in one ounce of water, take 3 times daily.
Tonic
10:00 PM
Lymphalin
3 capsules in the A.M. & P.M.
Capsules

I left work early to pick up my son and did not return to complete my hours. I went straight home. My son asked me if we were going back to the office for work and I said no. He said, "I know mommy. Because you have H.I.V."

Right then and there my heart fell into my ass as I looked at him in disbelief. I created a monster. My son is so smart because I always talk to him on adult levels and whatever I study, I make him study with me, no matter how advanced or complex the subject matter. But I never wanted him to know the NAME of my disease for his own protection. He is such a free-spirited and kindhearted child that he would tell other children at school. Not knowing that they may start picking on him for being the son of an "AIDS-victim." My poor baby wouldn't be able to handle that. He's too nice and it would break his little happy spirit. 

My son has this type of purity to him that is so rare to find. And I don't just say that because he is my son. I say it because it's true. He's naturally loving and caring for EVERYONE. He has this endless joy in his heart that is always radiating onto everyone and everything around him. I thought he was only like that because he was young and that it would have worn off by the time he was four. But he's eight now, and he is still beaming in love. I want him to keep that special gift throughout the rest of his life. The world needs more of that.

So, I asked him what makes him think I have H.I.V? He said because he heard me talking about it on the phone with his uncle. Then he said, "I know you want to go home so you can sleep. It's okay mommy, you need your rest so you can feel better."

I asked him why does he think I want to sleep. His response was, "Because you LOOK sick. I can tell by your face. And those herbs are wearing you down."

I tried not to cry. I said, "I don't look sick. I'm just tired sweetie." I really don't think I look sick. I was just tired and had been crying all day. I told him not to EVER mention the word "H.I.V." to anyone concerning me. And I explained to him why. He said he already knew that and didn't plan on telling anyone anyway. He just wants me to get better.

So, I took him for ice cream before we made it home. Then I showered and climbed into bed while he started on his homework. Emotions make you cry sometimes. I have to figure something out...

I checked my mailbox and found my W2 form. I also received a letter stating that my rent will be raised by $300 starting in March. That was like the finishing punch to the gut for me. I tried to call my brother to vent but he didn't answer. So, I cried and went to sleep. I was able to sleep a little later because my son's basketball practice was cancelled due to the rainy weather.

When I woke up, I saw that I had been invited to another conference call. The topic was Nation Building. I called in and listened for the most part. The majority of my interaction was via text on the message board while the conversation took place. Talking with them really lifted my spirits. I had everyone laughing and loving each other before I hung up. Once the discussion was over, the leader of the group contacted me himself on my personal phone line requesting for me to come to Chicago. He said he needs me and I have a lot to offer the movement. He said my spirit and expertise is what he has been looking for for years. He also threw in the fact that he finds me to be physically attractive, but my mind and the extent of my knowledge is what draws him to me. 

I didn't respond immediately because I was blown away that a man of such high power was interested in me. I just sat there holding the phone with my mouth hanging open trying to take it all in. I guess he assumed I was offended so he tried to clean it up. He said he would like to arrange to have me flown out to Chicago so I can see the facility he is working on and so we can discuss the part I would play in making his vision a reality. Previously, he asked me what my goals and interests were. I told him I would like to own rental properties for financial stability and I would like to become an herbalist healer so I can cure our people as well as hold classes and forums to reach them about herbs and nutrition and how to cure themselves. I told him I was definitely interested in building with him and I would gather more information to let him know if I am interested in such a permanent move.

I went to bed with a smile on my face. I am so desirable on many levels. Why do I keep doubting myself? Too bad I'm dying just when I begin to walk into my true potential. But maybe my son will take over as the healer I want to be. He is just as knowledgable as I am.

6 comments:

  1. Do NOT GIVE UP !!! FIGHT WOMAN

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm tired. So, so, so, so tired. But I made it through the day and updated my post for today.

      Thank you for the encouragement.

      Delete
  2. DO NOT GIVE UP! You have too much to live for. Your son needs you. You CAN and you WILL get through this. FIGHT! You got this!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm fighting. I'm giving it the best I have. The emotions are weighing me down. I'm trying my best. I am just truly an emotional person by nature. I made it through the day and updated my post for the evening.

      Thank you for the encouragement Queen.

      Delete
  3. Dear Queen please remember that sleep is part of the detox. I always say tears are for the new blessings coming just like rain in the spring for the beautiful flowers to bloom. Blessings and Love. Sending hugs

    ReplyDelete
  4. So glad you didn't give up.

    FLJ

    ReplyDelete