Sunday, January 10, 2016

Day 52 - Sunday, January 10, 2016

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"Patience is the ability to count down before you blast off."
-Unknown

Woo hoo! I am so excited! Do you know what tomorrow is? Tomorrow is the day I go to the doctor. I can't wait.I already put the print out of the labs I need done in my car so I won't forget it. Now, I just have to make sure I pack my medical insurance card and I will be fine. Tomorrow is the big day and I can't stop smiling. I feel like I'm going to beat this. I'm back on track and I'm ready. I can't wait to come out on the other side of this cured so I can help others.

Well, let's jump right into today's chain of events. I was victorious with my gallon of water again today. I was able to push myself to finish it even though I had a late start. When I drank the last of my gallon last night while taking my treatment I felt pressure behind my eyes. I don't know if that was from the water or the effect of taking the treatment on an empty stomach. Usually when I take it without eating I get that same reaction as if the herbs are working faster. Consuming a gallon of water per day is getting easier as I go. I feel good about my recent achievements. Two days in a row with a gallon of water each, is not bad. There's something about going to the bathroom three and four times an hour that just makes me feel healthier. I am ridding myself of toxins rapidly.

I snacked on cantaloupe and watermelon for breakfast while I watched Grey's Anatomy this morning. I fell asleep while it was on last night. When it was over, I went to Walmart to buy some fresh fruits and vegetables and a lunchbox. I didn't buy any mushrooms this time since I still don't have a working stove.

When I got home I lounged around on the couch a bit trying to enjoy my last day of the weekend before heading back to work. I scrolled through my news feed on Facebook and came across a video of three dancing men. They had long dreads, army boots, and hip hop attire on with baseball caps. They were decent looking men and the dance was pretty good until...they threw their baseball caps, peeled off their jackets and ripped off their tear-away pants to reveal them all in leotards and lingerie. At which point, they continued to dance even harder.

I immediately felt sick to my stomach. I never used to have a problem with homosexuals before this happened to me. I used to feel like that was their choice and they are entitled to do whatever they chose as long as they weren't hurting anyone. Well that has all changed. Every time I see a gay man now I get angry or emotional. It's just like the video with the guys dancing. It's the whole undercover, double-life aspect of it that's killing me. Now, I respect the openly gay men even more for not playing straight or sneaking around with men who are in relationships with women.

After seeing those guys portray tough guys just to strip down to women's lingerie in that video, I was fuming! I really need to start HATING this bastard, Anthony. It's like I don't want him. He changed my life forever. But no matter how hard I try, I just can't bring myself to hate him. It's not in me. But I know I need to try. I think I'm too forgiving at times. One of the guys in the video even resembled Kevin. This is pure madness!

Ever since I have begun this alkaline diet my mind has been extremely clear. My thoughts are razor sharp. Following this electric foods diet decalcifies the pineal gland, freeing up the power of your third eye. I opened up the refrigerator and saw all of the things like buffalo wing sauce, grits, white flour, cheese and all the things that I don't eat. They were his. Anthony's. Those are the items he used to eat. 

It was about time I clean my refrigerator and throw them out. Looking at those items in the fridge cause reality to really sink in. This man that I was with is gay. It's real. No more trying to pretend, in my mind, that it was just a break up and it wasn't that deep. No! It is was that deep. Dude is gay! He deceived me and kept such a horrible secret from me. He's a selfish spawn of Satan and I hate him. I need to comb through my house and throw away any and everything that once belonged to him. It is time to purge myself of that two-faced clown.

So, I cleaned out the refrigerator and began to work on my cupboards. I found I really nice 3-compartment Tupperware container that I purchased from a fundraiser a year ago. I hadn't even opened it. This was great! I decided to use it to pack my lunch for work tomorrow. 

In the largest compartment, I put the salad that I made with kale, cherry tomatoes, walnuts, avocados, onions, bell peppers, olive oil, sea salt and cayenne pepper. In the two smaller compartments I packed fresh mango and watermelon. Lunch is ready! Now, all I have to do in the morning is throw it in my lunch bag and be out the door.

I ate the remaining salad for dinner. It was absolutely delicious.

TREATMENT
Burdock Root (Nature's Way) - 2 capsules t.i.d.
Sarsaparilla (Solaray) - 3 capsules b.i.d.
Dandelion (Herb Pharm) - 1 full dropper t.i.d.
Black Elderberry (Herb Pharm) - 1 full dropper t.i.d.

I am so excited about tomorrow. I can't wait to have my blood drawn. I'm not sure of exactly how long it will take for the results to come back, but if I like the doctor's office, I'm going to schedule my next appointment for lab work before I leave my visit. I am going to ask them to schedule me for February 1st so I can compare results for one month. Then I'll take it from there.

Things are about to get interesting ladies and gentlemen. I can't wait!

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"Patience is not the ability to wait, but how you act while you're waiting."
-Joyce Meyer

14 comments:

  1. Praying for your amaZing healing journey

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    1. Thank you. I truly appreciate all of your support.

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  2. Hi Selah!
    We have somewhat similar beliefs on the subject of gay men. I feel that society is too harsh on homosexual guys. I feel if people leave them (gay men) alone, and not be so judgmental-the down-low brothers will be more comfortable to date guys and not use women as beards. As long as society keeps them in a state of shame-we (the black woman) will be the most hurt. We will be the ones to find out after 5 years that our man/husband/baby daddy is gay or that we have contracted something because of it. This is just my opinion, but I really want to thank you again for sharing your story. Only a very strong person would have the witts to sit down and document this type of journey. You left a scientific instruction manual for others to follow. You are giving people LIFE!!!

    FLJ

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    1. Oh my! Where do I begin with this one? Ugh...

      The whole gay thing. I don't know what I wrote to make you say what you did but my feelings towards homosexuals are not that great. Any time I see or hear something pertaining to homosexuality my stomach does a flip of pain. I feel like too much encouraging of homosexual behavior is a problem. Women cheering men on during their feminine antics. Teaching them how to do hair and makeup. All of these television shows, the whole nine. That is part of the problem. I say problem because if they want to love who they want to love, so be it. But if men is what you really like, why dress like a woman, act like a woman, and try to speak as a woman? Why do "gay" men go for men that try to be women? It is all very disturbing and confusing for me. Some men legitimately like both men and women because "beards" as you call it are NOT necessary. You don't have to use a person as a cover up. You can just be single. I have all sorts of reasons why I think guys go gay. But I also have a bunch of questions. I don't like it. But I don't know enough to hate it either. I think I will do a Q & A post about that later. Maybe some of my gay readers can help answer some questions for me because that is a very touchy topic for me. If I have helped any of my readers maybe they can help me in that area. *sigh*

      The majority of gays are not ashamed. They no longer have reason to be. They are protected by law and promoted in the media. They have finally earned their place in the world. Well, at least in America Once again, I don't hate them. I am just hurt by them. And when I am stronger, I would like to understand them. Ugh! Just when I thought I was over it, here I am, a year later, tearing up again.

      Peace & Love

      -Queen Selah

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  3. Oh no....I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to bring out burried hurting emotions. I have never had a gay man (that I know of), and I can't even imagine how it would feel to go through what you did with someone you wanted to marry. I was just saying "I" feel like guys would not have to be down low if they were comfortable with who they were and not be fearful of negative societal backlash because its the women who are really getting hurt by the betrayal.

    You are super strong and awesome. I am one of your biggest fans.

    FLJ

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    1. Don't worry, I think about this everyday. There's not a day that goes by that I'm not hurting about what I went through. Especially since Anthony still reaches out every now and then to check on my son and I. I don't let him speak to him but he just asks how he's doing and things of that nature. He checks on me as well. I'm still in a very confused and painful place concerning all of this. Especially since I realized that he really did love me and still does. It makes me feel a lot better knowing that I was not a "beard" and he was not using me as a cover up but I am still puzzled by the fact that he was ever with a man. He is still too ashamed to discuss that part with me. Ugh! My chest is pounding just writing about this. About 2 years into our relationship he kept telling me that I changed him. Whenever I would get mad at him he would tell me he's trying his best to adjust because he wasn't used to a lot of the things he was doing with and for me. But he never stopped telling me that I changed him. The truth is, now I understand what he meant. Now I see all the things in his life he put aside for me. Either way it goes, I see my errors as well. Maybe I wasn't the perfect woman/girlfriend that I thought I was because I thought he talked to me about everything. But obviously he did not trust me enough to share his sexual past with me. What it all boils down to is that I have never been loved so thoroughly by anyone in my life. And now that I'm broken, I don't think I will ever allow myself to be. Love hurts too much. Love almost killed me physically and it's still killing me emotionally more than a year later.

      -Queen Selah

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    2. FYI - I think closet homosexuals are weak and cowards. It has nothing to do with society. There's no law against being gay. So why not live out loud? #Weak

      -Queen Selah

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  4. I too am a single mom of an only child. When my ex and I separated (infidelity); I had to get a PT job at a grocery store to give my son and I a cushion. I did not want to work it because I worked this type of job as an undergrad and people treat you like "sheet" but I was not gonna ask anyone for help. Anyways I was working one day and a mixed gay couple was checking out. They were both friendly and carried a nice conversation. Behind them two AA homeboys walked up. I immediately became uncomfortable, and I could feel it with the couple too. The homeboys began making rude loud jokes and being a-holes. The guy paying was shaking when he gave me his money. After they left; the homeboys began trying to engage me in their BS teasing. I wasn't having it. This is when my view changed. I was so pissed. I felt like the black gay guy would start dating women-because of stuff like this. He didn't look like he would ever touch a man in life.

    FLJ

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    1. You know what I failed to mention? Bullies are weak cowards as well! I am definitely against intimidation tactics. That was weak on those guys behalf. They are definitely trying to compensate for lacking in some other area of their life by picking on unconfrontational people. As for the gay man who we assume will start dating women as a result, I hope that does NOT become his reason, because that would be weak as well, in my opinion. There are a lot of things that happen to people, but how you handle it is what builds character. If he truly feels that being gay is what he wants to be, that is what he should be. He owes no explanations.

      That was a great story. Thanks for sharing. I hope other readers come across it in the comments section.

      -Queen Selah

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  5. I am betting your ex does not want that type of backlash. If you have ever expressed stance on gay men as you have on this blog; he might have been afraid to tell you (that does not make it right). I don't doubt that he love you because your personality is awesome. He may have realized that you (like so many of us-myself included) would NEVER be ok with a man that gets down with men.

    FLJ

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    1. I understand where you are coming from with that but I had never spoken on homosexuality with or around him. It was never a topic of interest of mine. Just how we don't sit around saying, "hey, did you see what that heterosexual girl did the other day?" I didn't have reason to speak on gays. Everyone was just existing in the same world trying to live their lives. No one had time to be worrying about anyone else that had nothing to do with them. He was always the one talking about it and asking me if I would study the Catholic religion with him to look into the homosexual orientation of a lot of its people and the origin of homosexuality. I am hurt but I am not hateful. At least I don't think I am. I respect fear. So, if that was the reason he didn't tell me, I respect that also. But once I found out, I wish his love would have caused him to muster up the courage to give me peace by talking to me about it. You get what I'm saying? He's still too ashamed.

      Thank you for the compliment. *smiles*

      But SHOULD we be okay with that type of men? We all should be allowed the right to choose. They want the right to be gay (which they have) so why can't we be allowed the right to honesty?

      Loving this dialogue with you.

      -Queen Selah

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  6. I love our chats too! You are definitely NOT hateful. A hateful person would NEVER create such a detailed blog of their experience, or try to help others the way that you are doing right now. You do seem a little bitter against gay men, and I understand it 100%. I was bitter with a gay guy in college because he told everyone on campus that I thought I was the "sheet" but I wasn't because I had a baby in high school. I wanted to kill him! He wasn't even my friend; he was my friend's friend..lol. Your situation is much deeper than mine was because this was someone you gave your heart to, a man that you allowed to be in your son's life, and was willing to walk down the aisle with. You were blindsided, and would have probably been stuck in a marriage had you not done your investigation.

    I am ok with out gay men; I just don't like men that sleep with men and women at the same time and not tell the woman.

    I feel that what you feel is valid and I feel that you are probably suffering from PTSD; that would be normal for this type of situation. The fact that you are trying to understand your feelings about the topic shows how grande your character is because I think I would be stuck on stupid and bashing like crazy if I had been in your shoes. Your little man is blessed to have you as a mom.

    FLJ

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    1. Lmaooo! You had me dying with the college story. That was too funny. Lol.

      Yeah, my son asks about him or brings him up every week. It's sad sometimes, but I don't show it.

      Stuck in a marriage? No ma'am! I am no fool. I have a very detailed map to the nearest exit. You better ask about me. Lol.

      PTSD....yes, yes. I think that is a very good analysis for what I am going through. Thank you for the validation concerning whether or not I am hateful and thank you even more for the encouragement.

      Looking forward to more great chats with you,

      -Queen Selah

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  7. Hey lady; I'm glad I could make you laugh with that story. It's pretty funny now, but back then....I wanted to choke him.

    No thanks needed; I should be thanking you for inspiring me with your strength, compassion and your dedication to your son.

    I hate that your son asks about him, but in time (maybe) someone will come along who can be what he misses in your ex and be even more for you but I know that is not on your mind right now.

    I enjoy our chats too. We will definitely continue them.

    FLJ

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