Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Day 48 - Wednesday, January 6, 2016

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"I find it very difficult to relax. I find it increasingly difficult to find outlets for my frustration."
-Judd Nelson
The day isn't even half over yet and I've already just about rubbed all of the skin off of my forehead. I woke up kind of late again this morning, with just enough time to get my son up and dressed for school. Once again, he was not able to eat breakfast because breakfast hours were over. So, I sent him with a bag of sliced apples to hold him over until lunch time.

I went back home to get myself ready for work. Why was I so groggy and tired? It must have been from the cereal I had last night combined with the cooling weather. Who knows? But what I do know is that my nightmares are beginning to come back. For the past few years, I have been having nightmares about a man trying to kill me. In every one of these dreams, I am running for my life, sometimes my son is with me, trying to get away from him without ever being able to see his face. A couple of months ago, I finally saw a face. It was Anthony. I remember one such dream quite vividly. I never know why the man is trying to kill me, but for some reason, the ones that included Anthony's face were clear and almost like reality. Anthony is obsessed with me in the dreams (just like in real life). Maybe that's too deep of a word. Let's say madly in love with me. And he always says that he's nothing without me and he'll go back to being a bad person who doesn't care about anything (also like in real life). 

So, for whatever reason he must have felt that I was going to leave him in these dreams, he was NOT taking it well. We seemed to have been in a semi-country area like upstate Florida or Georgia. There were trees everywhere. He was chasing me and my son down the street. I ran to a police officer and begged him to help me. When the cop stepped in front of him to prevent him from approaching me, Anthony shot him in the head, pushed his body down and continued to pursue me.

Now, I knew he was out of his mind and nothing would stop him. I ran with my son to a nearby house to hide. There were about seven people in the home having a good family time. My son and I laid on a twin size bed in the back room. I felt like we were finally safe. The residents of the home called the police for me and we were just waiting now. These were mutual friends of Anthony and I. Not too long after, we heard knocking at the door. It was Anthony! He was asking to speak to me. They told him to go away. I cringed and pulled my son tighter as I listened from the back room.

He kept telling them that he loved me and needed to speak to me. They refused. He punched a hole through the glass window on the door and let himself in. They tried to stop him and he stabbed one of the individuals in the stomach. I fled out of the back door with my son and began running up the street barefoot. When I neared the front of the house I saw flashing lights pulling up at the same time Anthony caught a glimpse of me from the side of his eye. By now, I knew that police did not mean safety for me. The officer asked Anthony for ID and he slit the cop's throat. I told my son to run into a house that we saw a few blocks up and to ask the residents to call for help. I felt like I was going to die and I didn't want my son to be a victim as well.

My son ran off with tears in his eyes as I continued to run up the street and into the wooded area to hide. But it was too late. Anthony caught up to me. No, I didn't trip like the girls in the movie. He was just fast. By the time I turned around to face him, I woke up right before he killed me.

But the dream I had this morning was not of Anthony's face. It was of a friend I went to high school with. We're not really friends. We just know each other. He was trying to stab me with a knife for some odd reason. Even more odd, I already had a shorter knife in my hand. He was talking to me in an intimidating manner but I wasn't afraid. I felt that I was stronger than him. So, I played scared as I assessed the situation and planned how to overtake him. Then, boom! I grabbed the hand he was holding his knife with and stabbed him with my shorter one several times before waking up.

I don't understand why these dreams are coming back. Or why it's always MEN who are trying to kill me. I'm sure these occurrences have some deeper meaning that I will look into later.

So, that was my morning. I finally made it home to get myself dressed for work and prepare my morning smoothie with burro bananas, papaya, kale, blackberries, sour sop and agave. Unfortunately, my co-worker is really impressed by the results she's seen in me from following this diet and she wants to partake as well. Now she expects me to bring her smoothies in the morning as well. I don't charge her because we've become friends over time, not just coworkers. But I really rather not waste supplies on someone who is just trying to lose weight during work hours and eat whatever she wants when she gets home. If only she knew that I was doing this because I am HIV positive. I tried to make her the most disgusting smoothie I could think of so she would stop asking for them, but she loved it anyway.

The intake specialist from Care Resources called me today because I missed my appointment to sign up fro the Ryan White program last week. Honestly, part of me was done with that place because of their slow service and lack of clarity of expectations. Plus, my insurance finally kicked in. But I remember the lady telling me that Ryan White and my insurance can work together so I won't even have to pay a co-pay. She said Ryan White would cover it. Although that sounds good, I was a bit skeptical. What's the catch?

But I told her she could go ahead and reschedule the appointment since they were HIV specialists. She reminded me to bring in the small rectangular version of my test results, since the other one was not acceptable. She set my appointment for tomorrow at 2pm. I left work early and went down to the Health Department to pick up my results.

This is where the frustration sets in. I went around eleven in the morning but they said I had to have an appointment even if I'm just coming to pick up results. They gave me an appointment for one o'clock. I returned to work and came back to the Health Department at one. The medical assistant who was seeing me began to speak so loudly that I wanted to bash her head in. She had the door open and there patients in another room right across the hall with their door open. Then she asks loudly, "So, did you already know you were HIV positive? Or is this your first time testing positive for HIV?"

Halfway through her second sentence, i began to close the door. I put my hand up to pause her. I politely said, "Could you please try to keep it down a bit and not speak so loudly? There are other patients in the room across the hall and I'm in uniform. I don't want everyone in my business." 

Without missing a beat, she says, "No, I was just asking because just because you tested positive doesn't mean it's HIV. It could be something else." 

I felt deflated. Things like this make me feel like I will never have the chance to be normal again. That's why I hate when people say, "HIV isn't what it used to be. People are living long, healthy lives now." 

I always shake my head and say that I don't want that. Who wants to live a long life like this? It's not about the time. It's about the quality of the life you're left with. Who could be happy once everyone finds out they have HIV and now they are being treated like a leper?! The stigma is real! I immediately became depressed by this lady's lack of professionalism. If a person who works in a health clinic can't even show me respect, what are the chances that anyone else will if they find out.

I just put my hand on my forehead and allowed the blonde to continue to speak. I could tell her ignorance was non-intentional by the look on her face. Immediately after she upset me she asked to take my blood pressure. I was so shocked that it was almost comical at this point. I ended up waiting for 50 minutes because the manager was on a conference call in the office where the results were. The lady that I saw the first time that I came into the office saw me in the waiting room and called me into her office. Her name is Deborah. (That's Anthony's deceased mother's name.) She's very nice. She was telling me about HIV specialists I could see that were not in my area after I told her about what the Medical Assistant just put me through. She also told me the M.A. was Brazilian, as if that's some sort of excuse for her lack of professionalism. Deborah went on to give me more information because although she works there, she is HIV positive as well. 

I became saddened because I didn't want to end up like her. The first time I met her, I kind of had the feeling that she was positive. She wears a lot of makeup and it just makes her skin look a certain way. Corpselike. I don't want to be like that. And besides, I never wear makeup! I wouldn't know where to begin. I don't want to become comfortable with having HIV. I want to beat it and have as close to a normal life as possible HIV-free. But I couldn't wait any longer because I had to go pick up my son from school. 

I was ten minutes late to get him. I stopped off to buy him something to eat and headed back to the Health Department to see if my results were ready yet. But while I was getting him something, I gave in. I didn't really care anymore. I was seeking comfort food. I bought myself a few of those devilish croquettas and spicy chicken to soothe the pain. Mmm... I just hope I can snap into eating 100% by the Nutritional Guide like I used to by the time I get my therapeutic package or go to the doctor's office. I need a little extra push at times. this disease gets you up and down emotionally without notice.

When I got back, Deborah had the information to the specialists waiting for me. She had already called the office and spoke with the office staff. She gave me all the information she had written down. Then she told me about her doctor. She suggested that it was best I find a Primary Care Physician who also specializes in HIV because regular doctors don't know anything about the disease and the copay is higher when you have to go see a specialist. She said her doctor is both.

This got me down, because now I was worrying about whether or not my doctor would be able to provide me with the information I need. She also told me that the Ryan White program is "bullshit". Yep! Just like that. That's how she said it. It's funny how her cursing throughout her speech provided me with a certain level of comfort. Maybe it was because she wan't treating me like a fragile, delicate, HIV case. I took the information she gave me and she told me to fax them my results once I get it so they can schedule an appointment for me. I almost forgot to do that. I am staying at work late right now and writing this portion of my blog. Immediately after writing that last sentence, I went to go fax the information while no one else is in the office.

After I spoke to Deborah, she gave me her card and made my son wait in the hall while she escorted me to the manager's office. The manager gave me my results and was so nice. I guess she saw something in me and told me about one of her close friends who specializes in HIV. She called her friend, got the information for me on how to receive services from her and left me with her number as well. She also told me about a drug that she suggests to be very good. She said it's called Genuivia. I'll keep that in mind, but I'm focusing on Dr. Sebi's methods. I didn't say that to her though. She told her friend on the phone to take very good and special care of me. 

Another part of me sank as I thought about how many more people I would have to inform that I am HIV positive before I could actually start receiving some sort of services or labs. When I left her office, my son told me that all of the nurses and staff were very nice to him while he waited in the hall. That made me smile. I love when people are kind to my cuddle bug. 

When I got in my car I called my doctor immediately and asked them if the do cell counts. The receptionist placed me on a brief hold to go find out. She said, yes, they do the T-Cell Subset test. I asked her what that was. She said it was the lab work they do for patients who are HIV positive. That was good enough for me. I thanked her and hung up the phone. I guess I will be keeping my appointment for the 11th.

I feel like I'm fighting for any little piece of normalcy I can get in my life these days.

Bio Ferro
Liquid Tonic
Dr. Sebi
2 tbsp b.i.d.
Black Elderberry
Liquid Extract
Herb Pharm
1 full dropper t.i.d.
Capsule 425mg
1 cap t.i.d.
Liquid Extract
Herb Pharm
1 full dropper t.i.d.
3 caps b.i.d.

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I need to go shopping soon. none of my clothes fit anymore. I've lost a decent amount of weight. I need to get back into my dresses and heals that I couldn't wear with Anthony because he's shorter than me. But I don't go anywhere anymore, so what's the point? My brother told me I need to travel. I told him after I am cured. I wish I could do it now, but I need to prioritize. I sent to pick up an application to get my son a passport two days ago. I'll pay for that shortly.

Today has undoubtedly turned into "F" it day! I went to the gym after work and couldn't bring myself to work out. I just balled up in a corner and wrote all of my thoughts and feelings on paper. After I was done writing, I paid the registration fee and decided to sign my son up for his first basketball league. I need something to keep his little mind occupied so he won't spend all of his time worrying about me. 

When I left the gym and thought about going home to a house with no working stove or oven, I just said screw it and decided to take my son to go get some pizza. I ordered a pepperoni pizza and an order of wings. The wings were for me of course. My son doesn't like chicken anymore.

I ate the chicken and immediately began to feel sick. I guess my body is totally against chicken at this point. I guess I have to lay that "fowl" bird to rest. I have to give it up. But with the down in the dumps mood I was in, I forced myself to eat it because I spent my money. I threw up on the third wing, wiped my mouth, and kept going. This is one of those hopeless days where I feel like I KNOW THERE IS A CURE but the way my life always ends up, I probably won't be able to get it for one reason or another. 

I ate a few slices of pizza when I got home and told my son to go take a shower. He came out of the bathroom naked and asked me to help him. He never needs help with the shower. So, I went in the bathroom and asked him what's wrong? He said he has only the hot water faucet turned on but the water is coming out cold.

I placed my hand through the running stream of water and he was right. I went to check the kitchen sink and it was the same story. I rested my elbows on the sink and began rubbing the skin off of my forehead again. Now, the hot water isn't working. I'm afraid to ask what's next? I'm glad I didn't work out today after all.

After the day I had I just want to eat myself into a stupor and watch Grey's Anatomy. I haven't been able to get through full episode over the past two nights without falling asleep. Tonight is the night. I need something to help me settle my mind before I lose it.

Before turning on Grey's Anatomy I began to scroll down my news feed on Facebook and came across something very interesting. It was a link concerning meditation. If you don't already know what my name stands for, it means praise and meditation. But I give more light to the meditation realm of it. Selah always seems to show up right when I'm going off into the deep end. The title of the link was, "4 Things That Hinder Third Eye Meditation" by Astral Chakra.

The 4 things were:

  1. Giving Up Too Easy - Take your time and let go of old habits. Nothing happens overnight.
  2. Holding On To Old Habits - There's a block keeping you from seeing all that is around you (spiritually). "Some examples of common intuitive 'blocks' are stuck emotions from the past, a toxic relationship, a harmful chemical laden diet, or a harmful work or home environment."
  3. Taking Too Much Energy - "You intuitively pick up on the energies of others and your environment. You being to feel energies all around you in addition to your own thoughts and emotions. This can get exhausting pretty quickly. When you find yourself in this position, you need to ground yourself. If you are not grounded, you may find yourself subconsciously trying to ground through other activities like eating, engaging in conflict, scrolling through your Facebook news feed, watching TV, or reading. These are not effective ways of grounding."
  4. Getting Lost in the Realms - This basically says not to use meditation as a means of escape. Don't try to live in the meditation world. But use the spirit guides to make this life a beautiful reality.
Now isn't that amazing?! I swear my spiritual senses are heightening and taking me to levels of higher understanding and leading me to the right places at the right time. Number two was definitely on point when it comes to me. With a close second by number 3. I will definitely utilize these tips in my life in the near future.

My mind is so scattered these days. I need to organize my house. I wish I had an office space and a file cabinet. I want a bookshelf with a bunch of interesting books to read and a bean bag to lay in and read them. I need to make a budget so I can manage my money electronically to prevent overspending and encourage wise money management. I just have to push myself to get up and organize my home and rake the leaves in the front yard, and mow the lawn. My environment has a great effect on my emotions.

Bare with me guys. I'll be going to the doctor in a few short days. Then we will really be able to take off on this healing journey and see what's really going on with the powers of Dr. Sebi.

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