Monday, January 4, 2016

Day 45 - Sunday, January 3, 2016

Image result for gym
"In the gym. I'm not here to talk."

Today, I snacked on the leftover smoothie from yesterday.Those things last me all day sometimes. Late in the afternoon I began to feel sad or stressed. Whatever the emotion was, I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I was having a great day. In fact, I was having a great week. I had been happy all week. 

Then, I received a call from a guy friend of mine who knows about my diagnosis. After he found out, he confessed to me that he's in love with me. How odd? I know right. Well he is not HIV positive himself. He just said this is something he wanted to tell me for a while but I was with Anthony at the time. Anyway, he wanted to see me. But here's the problem. This friend of mine has an on-and-off girlfriend of whom he lives with. With or without this disease, I have never been the type to mess around with anyone's man. No matter how badly she treats him, he always go back. And I understand that. Everyone has their time before they are strong enough to let go or do what it takes to hold on. But that was not my place. Every time he would tell me what's going on I would give him advice on how to make it work. Or I would just be his listening ear so he could vent.

They were currently separated, usually a few days at the most, and he wanted to see me. I hung out with him yesterday, and we had a fun, respectable evening. He's a smart guy. We went to high school together. We always talk about history, nutrition and spirituality together. I enjoyed his company because he remained respectful. But while we were talking on the phone, he saw that I had plans to play basketball with another guy. He told me he was hurt and jealous by that. I think that triggered some emotions inside of me. I became furious with him because I didn't want him to know I was actually hurt by what he said. 

I told him he was selfish because he wants to keep me on hold while he figures out what he wants to do with his girlfriend. He wanted me to be loyal to him and we're not even in a relationship! We are just friends. And although I understand that he has feelings for me and I like him too, I'm not ready for all of that from ANYONE. So, I didn't understand why he was jealous or hurt.  Just because I talk to someone or play basketball with someone doesn't mean I'm trying to be with them. I'm just trying to keep my mind occupied so I don't have to think about just how tragic this situation is. I feel like I'm his little HIV pet that he wants to keep all to himself. I just want to feel normal again.

Once I hung up the phone with him, I became very sad. I shed a few tears and pulled myself back together. I cancelled my basketball plans and went to the gym instead to blow off some steam. I was emotional beyond what he said. There was something more that I couldn't place my finger on. I worked out extra hard in the gym today. I burned a lot of calories (Which I care absolutely NOTHING about!) and released a lot of sweat. I did a few miles on the treadmill as cardio, lifted some weights and worked my abs. I felt so much better.

But when I went into the locker room I was shocked. I looked in the mirror and realized just how much weight I had lost. I was starting to look skinny. I don't want to be skinny. A nice slim size is fine with me. But my tights weren't as tight as they used to be and my legs were really trimming down. I know it's not the virus or depression that's doing it to me. It's eating from the Nutritional Guide that is causing me to drop weight. I know a lot of people follow Dr. Sebi for weight loss purposes but there is much more to it than weight loss. I'm in it for the health benefits, but the weight change was a plus. I just hope I don't get too small. I need to go shopping for clothes soon because I'm becoming too small for most of my wardrobe.

Smoothie for the Day:
Honey Dew Melon
Hemp Seeds
Sour Sop

Bio Ferro
Liquid Tonic
Dr. Sebi
2 tbsp b.i.d.
Black Elderberry
Liquid Extract
Herb Pharm
1 full dropper b.i.d.
Capsule 425mg
1 cap b.i.d.
Liquid Extract
Herb Pharm
1 full dropper b.i.d.
3 caps b.i.d.

I spit up mucus throughout the day. Not much, but a noticeable amount. Releasing mucus from the body is always a good thing for a Sebian.

For dinner, I made oyster mushrooms, plum tomatoes, onions, and spelt dumplings. I snacked on walnuts as well. By the end of the night I realized what was making me emotional. I'm still spiritually tied to Anthony and tomorrow is his birthday. I think my spirit knew. I didn't remember at all.

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